For the next seven days, I can't mock Elsie W.

Good evening!

Most of you remember how I have chronicled and will soon be publishing an account of my time working with the infamous Elsie W.  Well, one of the things I mocked was the fact that this woman showed up to work not once, but TWICE with her pants on inside out and backwards and countless times with her top inappropriately buttoned or the like.

Well, I have to abstain from mocking her for this very thing for the next seven days.

Why?

Because today I went to church with my sweater on inside out.

Yep, my favorite argyle button up cardigan, I wore it inside out and did not realize it until the bell rang and I was sitting in the pew looking all prayerful and it occurred to me that my buttons seemed to be on the inside of my sweater.  Horrified, I leaned over and said to my husband, "Do I have a tag on the outside of my collar?"

His response was to internally laugh so hard, he shook the pew...and got the young mother behind us laughing.

Peaches merely said, "Gold stars, Mom."

It is common courtesy in our church that if you must leave during the service you do so during a hymn so that it's less distracting.  We're Lutheran...we sing hymns every six minutes.  BUT, on this day...on THIS DAY of inside out sweater shame...the first hymn was not sung until 30 minutes into the service.  Which means the young mother behind us was nicely amused for 30 minutes.

At the opening chords of the hymn I dashed out to make a quick change.

Later, the younger mother told me she wished I hadn't changed.  She wanted to turn her top inside out in support of my fashion statement.

One should note she's a bit smaller than I am.  If I wore her sweater size, I wouldn't mind my tag sticking out either.

My Sunday School kids noted the sweater, which they told me in class later in the morning.  "Why didn't you say something?"  I asked them.

"You were sitting too far away!"  They all said.

I get it.  If I, as a middle school kid, had randomly shouted to a teacher than her clothes were on inside out,  my mother would have broken a wooden spoon over me at home.  So I'm sure, even though we're in an age where kids thing wooden spoons are for nothing more sinister than mixing liquid Jell-o, they still fear talking out loud in church.

So there it is.  For the next seven days I have to not think about how silly Elsie W was for wearing her pants inside out.

To paraphrase Jesus, "Let she whose sweater is not inside out cast the first snarky comment."

Yes, Noelle C is the reason for corporate warfare.

Good afternoon!

So this week we at Stuff Installed has a bit of a wild week.  We have seven installers, and therefore PM schedules seven installation jobs each day.  That's called filling your schedule, and it's a great thing, and it's a big reason why Stuff, Installed is the most profitable branch in the entire corporation.  (I'm not lying about that.  There's actually a big wall hanging in our showroom saying that very thing.  Basically, for all the high jinks, we rule.)

On Wednesday, however, one of our guys was out for the rest of the week with an eye injury and another guy, well, let's just say he decided installing stuff for Stuff Installed wasn't his thing.  He's been on the job two months.  And he just walked out.  So now we had seven jobs on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday and only five installers, six if you counted PM who was willing to do an installation.  But installations take all day...so we had three jobs this week we either had to reschedule or cover.

We are the only branch of Stuff Installed in Wisconsin, but there are at least two branches in Chicago, 90 minutes south of us.  So Lumbergh put in a call to the Northern branch and asked if they could spare an installer.

"Nope, sorry," came the reply.  "All my extra guys are going to the south branch all week."

Now, Lumbergh is a sneaky sort of fellow and he's figured out how to access other branches' schedules from our very own computer.  Actually, we all can do that because the ISRs  (the job Noelle C does) are required to cover for other branches from time to time, so we have to have access to other branches' schedules. 

Lumbergh checked the installation schedule for both the north branch and the south branch.  Between the two branches, both of whom had 10 installers, they had three jobs going in in those three days.  One job per day.

So....liar liar pants on fire!

We managed to serve our customers this week, and serve them well without the help of other branches.  Lumbergh won't get over this slight any time soon, but at least it gives him something to bark about other than why our sales guys aren't selling enough to make him happy.

But that's not why I'm telling you this.  I'm telling you this because when Noelle C found out about this lack of help on the part of the northern branch, she had a completely different, and of course delusional, take on why the other branch refused to help us.

"It's because I came back here."

Oh yes, the ancient history of Noelle C and Stuff Installed.  A couple years ago, right before I came on, she quit because she couldn't get along with the other office women.  I'm not making this up.  She thinks she was a victim of bullying, but after working with the woman for a year, I am convinced she quit because the other women wouldn't eat her vile soup and told her to keep her top on.  And she didn't like that.

Anyway, so she quit.  And then she came back when Elsie W was fired and called down the wrath of God on Lumbergh's head.  And now, dear Noelle C is convinced that the reason the Chicago branch wouldn't help us this week is because 18 months ago they "were going to" ask her to work for them and she refused and then she came back to this branch and now they've heard about it and they're refusing to help us.

Are you following me so far?

It's not that the Chicago branch offered her a job.  Much like when she says she was a model for Cosmo, I have my doubts about this.  "They were going to offer me a job, but I told them I didn't want to move."

So, a preemptive job turn down?

So yes, the whole reason there's been some hard feelings between our branch and the Chicago branches has nothing to do with the fact that we are far more profitable, that we did more installs in a week than they did in a month, or that our installers make more than double what their guys do.  It has nothing to do with the fact that we're a privately owned franchise and they are corporately run.  It has nothing to do with the fact that we have a 91% customer approval rating, and they are struggling to keep the doors open.

Nope, it's all because Noelle C turned down a job they hadn't offered her.

And now the weekend is over and I get to go back to work tomorrow and start living this wonderful dream again.

I wonder what she'll put in her soup this week to make it stink?