.Hey! George Lucas! Think you're done with the Star Wars movies? Think you can just sit back and let Disney cranky out Mandelorian episodes with that entirely too cute Baby Yoda while you're collecting mounds of cash?
Yeah...wait until you hear my movie pitch.
One of the more difficult things people of my age must start to think about is taking away the keys from our parents. Losing the car keys is one of those last nails on the coffin of independence for the elderly, and many do not let go without a really unpleasant fight, or before they cause some kind of accident someplace because "there wasn't a stop light there in 1954." (Actual quote from my grandfather several years before he passed away.)
Well, middle agers who are sandwiched between their yoyo-ing kids and their aging adults, TAKE HEART!
Or be afraid.
I'm here to tell you, the elderly are rising and taking back their freedom and taking the streets from us. And they do not give two dusty farts who they roll over in the process.
Personally, I blame AARP. These people have been told from age 55 on up that they are strong and independent and active seniors in the best of their lives. And then we come along and ruin their active fun. Except now, some dingleberry went ahead and invented a couple things that, much like Mountain Dew, wasn't MEANT to be a weapon for the elderly, and yet here we are.
First of all, the rolling scooter.
The motorized rolling scooter has been around for some time and has been used by both the disabled and the elderly alike. In fact, there are ads making these mechanical chairs look downright romantic and fun. (A Rally, anyone?) One step up from a golf cart, long the mode of travel for those in enclosed retirement villages (where they were free to run over each other and posed no threat to the outside world) these rolling carts, first meant to be an aid for those who had trouble shopping, or who were starring in "My 600 pound Life," have now become the hottest of hot rods for the active octogenarian.
At first I thought it was just this one rude guy at the Farmer's Market. He wheels around the market like it's his own personal Daytona 500. He weighs about 325, smokes a cigarello, which he has no problem blowing in your face if he deigns to stop at your booth, and, yes this is the best part, he is always only half dressed. And not the half you'd like dressed.
That's right, this whirling dirvish comes dressed to the 9's...(if 9's is a term used for those partially dressed and not all covered)..which his shirt only pulled down halfway and his shorts only pulled up halfway. Fortunately for us, (and for impressionable children) he drives quickly, is covered in a cloud of smoke, and has a fully backed seat so the world can't view his...line of demarcation, straight on. The side view is, believe me, enough.
But, here's the thing. He's not so much the problem. Nope...there are those who uses these carts as actual on the road vehicles. I saw this while attempting to make a left hand turn the other day...here comes this guy in a scooter than has a ROOF and he's purring along at 6MPG, IN THE ROAD. And he looked at me...our eyes locked...and he smiled a little smile as I sat there and waited, waited, waited for him to cross the intersection. And he SLOWED DOWN and the light turned red and there we both are, in the intersection, and now the other drivers have to wait for this codger to get his supercharged upgraded wheelchair out of our way. And I swear to you...I swear...that old man smiled...and he flipped me the bird.
It was as if he were saying, "Take away my license? I'll take away a large chunk of your life."
Unfortunately, scooters in all their various versions aren't the only weapon these new non-drivers have. Nope, ladies and gents, I give you....the E-BIKE.
Now, I've read about e-bikes, pedal bikes with tiny little motors on them (wait...don't we have something like that already...mopeds? Motorcycles?) but I read about them in VELO magazine, a professional cyclist publication. (Yes, I read Velo. Just because I don't exercise doesn't mean I can't read about other people exercising.) I DID NOT read about this in AARP. ( I did read about Simon Cowel's accident on one of these, which makes what I'm witnessing that much more befuddling.)
E-Bikes are supposed to be good for serious cyclists to help them manage high mountain climbs and extra long rides, like more than 100 miles or whatever. However, that is NOT how I'm seeing them used. Nope, all I see are the elderly tooling around on these things, two wide, in the road, taking up space ("bike lane? I spit on your bike lane!") and slowing us all down.
And guess who's riding around the farmer's market, ignoring the rules about riding bikes in the market, and making people get out of the way? Yep...the old people on E-Bikes.
I should also note...one gent on one of these bikes stopped at our booth. His motor looked like it had been torn apart and rewired. We'd tried to make polite chit chat with him...but the fact that he'd tinkered with something electronic (my parents can't figure out how to make their Netflix turn on) and he was SHIRTLESS AND STINKY (because...that's the cycling life?) was too distracting. Also, I mentioned that he should be careful, because, you know, Simon Cowell fell off of one those and broke his back...and that old man...that 80+ year old shirtless, stinky rule breaking man, swore at me and rode off, nearly knocking down two pregnant women and a dog wearing a t-shirt. And I know, like I know my own name, that he was laughing an evil laugh as he rode off.
So we've got these motorized scooters and these e-bikes, all loaded with ancient ones, all running roughshod through our streets and farmers markets.
What's next? I can see it now: some enterprising retired mechanic opening a black market shop where he motorizes bikes and those giant trikes by the light of the moon.
And then you know what follows? GANGS!
And that brings me, Mr. Lucas, to your next Star Wars movie: Star Wars XXX (Or whatever number they're on. I don't pay attention) Rise of the Octogenarians!
