My family will never let me live this down.

Good morning all!

I realize I'm behind in blogging of late. What can I say?  I'm old, I'm tired, and I'm not finding a lot of humor lately.  Well, that's not true.  I have been enjoying stories from Skippy and Peaches and Hubby about their work lives, which have become, on all three fronts, dramatic at an almost Shakespearean level.  Peaches mumbled something earlier this week about how, if she had a blog, she would regale her readers with the tale of why she went to the doctor's office covered in a floury paste.  (New employee at the bakery was a bit TOO enthusiastic about mixing water and flour in the giant floor mixer. Put that puppy on HIGH and watched as what essentially amounted to wallpaper paste flung itself everywhere.)

She did say, "Hey, if you don't have a topic and if Dad manages to not do anything stupid this week, you can use the story."

Hubby was not amused by that.  But I was. Hence, I shared the story.

However, I was the one who did something so magnificently stupid, it's doubtful anyone in the family will let me forget it.

But I share anyway, because I live to entertain.

So it's been brought to my attention that I startle easily.  Actually...it's become a giant running joke in the house that I startle whenever someone walks into a room.  A big part of this is because I spend much of the day alone in my house. I work from home and, while Skippy and Hubby are generally off at work or out running errands, and Peaches has her own place, I'm on my own with the cats.  So it seems like every time someone walks around the corner, I sort of jump a little.

It's gotten to the point where it's become a game. Peaches will come over to play with the cats or pick up something or do laundry. Even if I'm expecting her, she'll walk into the room and I'll startle.  Hubby made my heart skip a beat last week when he walked downstairs into the basement where I was folding laundry.  (To be fair, ever since seeing "Night of the Living Dead" I've been a little iffy in basements.)

Skippy actively tries to scare me, the little snot.

And every time I startle, or say, "Oh geez! You scared me!" these people, the people who are supposed to LOVE ME, mock me. Or they tell me, "Hey, I cleared my throat, I jingled my keys."

Well I'm a writer. Half the time I'm thinking about plot lines. The other half I'm either singing 80's tunes in my head or thinking about what movie to watch next.

So yes, it's become quite the joke...let's scare mom. Hahahahahahahahaha.

Snotwads.

But here's the thing, and this is why I'm pretty sure I'm never going to hear the end of it.

Today I managed to scare myself.

I've been working a lot in the basement on my own. Since Peaches moved out, we've got a bit more space down there and I'm moving stuff around (and getting rid of a lot of nonsense) so we have room for a home gym. (We have all the pieces for a really killer gym. I'm serious.  All we have to do is actually set it all up and use it. Want to work out?  Come on over!  We have everything but a pool.  Unless you want to take a dip in our non functioning sump pump.)

So I was down there clearing off a shelf so that I could store a tiny playhouse vanity table my mother has decided can no longer live at her house. It's a tiny little thing that's nearly 100 years old. Everyone in my family has played with it. Mom refinished it and let Peaches and my nieces play with it at her house, but now my parents are decluttering and so it comes to stay with me.  

My plan was to put it on a top shelf, lying on its back in such a way that the three fold out mirrors were protected but the thing didn't take up floor space.  To do so, I carried the vanity downstairs, set it on the floor and then grabbed an old sheet to cover it.  While approaching the vanity I saw someone's legs and feet in the basement. I knew I was completely alone, but my view to the stairs and much of the space was obstructed. All I could see was feet...

I. Freaked. Out.

I jumped and in that moment, I prepared for death...because I was certain someone was in the basement with me and it wasn't a family member.

Aaaaaand that's when I realized something:  I was looking at a reflection of my own feet and legs in the tiny three paneled mirrors of the vanity.

Now, I should also note that while I was typing this blog, Hubby came home from a work trip. I went to get a glass of water, not realizing he was home, and startled big time when I saw him. He CLAIMS he yelled, "O-la!" when he walked in, but I'm here to tell you, our house is not that big.  I heard nothing!

My family is going to startle or mock me right to death.

Could "Change of Life" mean standing in line is now entertaining?

It is a well known fact that I hate waiting in line.  It is also a well known fact that I always seem to wait in line behind someone who is making a gigantic deal out of nothing and holding up the line with complete nonsense, which then triggers my rage button.

I'm pretty sure this menopause thing...which I'll call chang-o from now on (for Change of Life) has changed my attitude about standing in line behind dumb dumbs. Listen to two stories from the last few days and see what you think:

Story #1.

I got in line at my local Meijer grocery store  (I tend to go there because it's way less crowded than Woodman's and generally has enough live cashiers to deal with the people in the store.)  There was no one ahead of me, but the cashier was scanning items.  I though maybe she was training or checking prices or something. She finished scanning the items ahead of mine. Mine were loaded on the belt.  I was, in terms of grocery check out, at the point of no return.

That's when she looked at me and said, "It's going to be a while."

Oh crap.

While I appreciated her honesty, no one likes to hear that, especially when they have frozen zucchini noodles on the belt.  (That's another blog.)

But still, I was curious.  What situation had I walked into?

"He's getting cash and she's getting a cake," the cashier said as if reading my thoughts.

Now I was really curious. Who would plan their lives so poorly that they have to get cash and one more item after they've put their stuff on the belt?  And who would possibly expect the world to stop long enough for them to get those things?

I got my answer a moment later when the oldest man in the world walked up to the cashier.

He had a wad of cash in his hand. The cashier told him the total.  "That's without the cake," she added.

"Is that with the cake?"  He asked.

"No. She hasn't brought the cake yet."

"So where's the cake?"

The cashier blinks, her brain realizing she has to adjust to now speak to an older man who is very deaf.  "SHE HASN'T BROUGHT IT HERE YET!"

But the man isn't listening. he's got his back turned to her.  He's getting his coin purse out of his back pocket. Now, the cashier and I believe he's getting exact change, since he had to go get cash.

Nope.

He pulled out a credit card and handed it to her. He stuffed his cash back into the coin purse.

the cashier ran the card and handed it back to him. At this moment the wife rolls up. And by "Rolls up" I mean she's in one of those scooter things stores provide.  In her front basket she's got a "cake."  It's actually a fluff dessert, the type that's layered whip topping/pie filling/whip topping. There might be cake in there...but I doubt it. Very pretty, very tempting.  Believe me, I've wanted to eat one for years.

Now, The Oldest Man is four steps away from the bagging area.  Roller Girl hands the cake to the cashier, who scans it and says, "That's six dollars even."

Oldest Man shuffles back, and takes the cake.

Roller Girl has not been paying attention to this transaction.  She's been adjusting her blouse or something.  When she finally looked up, she asked, "Did he get the cake?"

"Yes," Says cashier, "He has the cake."

Whereupon Roller Girl starts to wheel away from the cashier.  It takes a moment for the cashier to realize that Roller Girl thinks Oldest Man paid for the cake and she's about to leave without paying.

"No, no!"  yells cashier.  "He HAS the cake. You still have to PAY for the cake."

Roller Girl stops her ride, sighs heavily, and then backs up....beep....beep...beep.  SHE pulls out six dollars in cash.  Cashier takes it and then Roller Girl rolls away.

Cashier just shook her head and thanked me for waiting. I thanked her for the great theater.

That's when I realized standing in line was not automatically pushing my rage button.

Which brings me to story #2.

After church on Sunday we stopped at Kohls.  The good one, in Muskego. The two stores in Waukesha are terrible.  Besides, we've been going to church in Muskego...so it really works out.  (For me.)

On this trip, all I had to do was return an Amazon item that Peaches bought and didn't like.  Hubby dropped me at the door because we didn't intend to shop and he didn't care to stand in line with me.

 There was one person in line ahead of me.  SCORE!  I figured this transaction should take me three minutes, tops.

The person ahead of me went to Kathy, one of two women working the returns counter.  Meanwhile, I got Ashely.  As I set my item on the counter the phone rang. Ashley stared at it as if it were a foreign sound to her. (She was younger...it might have been.)  After it ran four or five times (something that does push my rage buttons immediately...answer the phone!)  she picked it up.  She mumbled a bit for a moment then put the phone to her chest and said, "Kathy....Kathy....Kathy...."

Kathy finally looked up and Ashely asked, "Is there a bigger store than this around here?"

The woman behind me said, "There's nothing in Muskego other than this store."

Kathy said, "No there aren't any big box stores in Muskego other than us."

All three of us looked at each other, sharing the one thought, "What a weird question to call about."

Ashley returned to the phone and mumbled some more.  Then she put the phone to her chest again.  "Kathy....Kathy....Kathy...."

Kathy finally looked up again.  Ashley said, "This woman wants to know if there's a bigger Kohls around here.  I'm not from around here, I don't know.  Maybe like Wau keh sha?"

Yeah, Ashley not's from around here.  She didn't pronounce Wau KEE sha correctly.  So why is she answering the phone?

That's when the growing line of women behind me started shouting out locations of other kohls. The first thing we all did was say, "Don't go to Waukesha, those stores are terrible!"

Ashley listened to the cacophony of store locations and then stared at me like a deer in the headlights.

"124th and North Ave in Brookfield," I said with great authority.  That's the biggest store I know.  Also, that's a store that's already got their holiday decorations up even as we speak.  They're like the anchor store for the area.

Ashely, however, not being from around here, mumbles, "Ummmm, so 124th and north Brookfield ave?"

Because that's what I said.

Apparently the woman ( oh yeah, it's a woman, no doubt) on the phone wasn't happy with that answer because she kept Ashley on the phone for another two minutes before Ashely put the phone to her chest and said, "Kathy....Kathy....Kathy.....which Kohls has a bigger shoe selection than we do?"

It was hubby who pointed out, when I related the store to him later, that the caller was probably standing in this store's shoe department at that moment.

Further proof that this was a woman.

"You have the best shoe selection of any of the kohls' I've been in," I tell Ashley because, let's face it, the customer Kathy is trying to help is getting pretty annoyed.

Ashley relays this message and after another two minutes, she hangs up. She thanks me for waiting and then reaches for the Amazon returns scanner. Which apparently is not working....

"Kathy....Kathy...Kathy...."

It took a solid fifteen minutes to return the item. Normally this would have sent me into a hot flash inducing  rant.  But nope, I related the story to Hubby with mirth.

So I ask you...does this mean that the Chang-O has not only changed my feminine punctuation, but also my rage issues?  Will waiting in line be fun now?  I mean....I used to want to punch people and howl.

Now, I don't.

At leas not the last two times.  Let's see what happens the next time I'm at the pharmacy....