When I am an old woman I shall wear a swimsuit on the treadmill.

Good morning!

My grandmother has always loved purple.  So, since I can remember, she's incorporated purple into her wardrobe.  When the book "When I am an Old Woman I shall wear Purple," came out we immediately thought of her.  I still do, so many years later.

I bring this up because when most of us think of old ladies, we think of old ladies who were purple hats or sweatshirts with birds on them, or things like that.

And when we think of what people should wear to the gym, we think of sweat pants and shorts and t-shirts and jog bras.

Weird transitional thought?  Bear with me.

Yesterday I went to Gold's  after what I like to think of as a bit of a break.  Okay, it was about six weeks and basically I was too blah and busy to go, and I forgot to pack shoes one time and then I didn't have a water bottle and it was hot...and whatever!

So yesterday I got there and was feeling pretty good.  The scale informed me I'd lost about 3 pounds in 6 six weeks.  Given what I have eaten and haven't exercised in that amount of time, I was pretty happy to see a negative number instead of a massive gain.

I then headed to Cardio Cinema where it's dark and no one judges you.  Until now.  I was getting a pretty good sweat going on a treadmill when an older lady walked past me.  Granted it was dark, but it was really hard to miss what she was wearing. 

For the pool, yes.  For the treadmill
NO!

She was wearing a one piece swim suit, complete with ballerina type frilly skirt.  I am not making this up.  She strode past me in her one piece swim suit. 

Now I'm one to put the best construction on everything at first.  So I figured she was coming in to have a word with someone and then she was headed to the pool.

Nope.  She got on a recumbent bike and started pedaling.  Hard. 

Wipe down the seat
with disinfectant please!

Not since Jennifer Lopez wore that basically naked green dress to the Grammies have I thought, "Oh Sweetie, put down a paper
liner on your seat before you sit down."

Until yesterday. 

I looked at that old lady on that bike wearing that one piece swimsuit with the frilly skirt and her old lady work out shoes...and I said, "EWWWWW!"

And then I made very sure I didn't get on the same bike she'd been on.

As I was leaving Gold's, I saw her continue her work out.  (Again, it's really hard to miss a fat old lady...oh didn't mention she was a fluffy girl, about my size?  Yeah, she was very fluffy...in a swimsuit working out like everything is normal.)  She was on a treadmill, sweating away with the 20 somethings.  Now granted, she probably had more material in her one piece suit with the frilly skirt than the 20 somethings had in their spandex shorts and fitted yoga tops.  BUT, with the 20 somethings, there was ZERO chance of fanny cheek slipping out of those shorts.   Getting a wide view of wrinkly old lady fanny was a VERY REAL POSSIBILITY.

If you must work out
in a swim suit, this would
be okay...

 I guess my point of this is two fold:  First, it is clear that not everyone has been listening to my summer fashion suggestions.  (Yes, I'm also talking to the mom who thought it was okay to go to the grocery store in her swim suit.  Yes, the shorts were okay, the no, no one should have to stand next to you in line and wonder if the stress you're putting your swim top straps under will finally destroy those little straps and we will all get a great view of your...well let's just call them saggy glands, shall we?)  Second...work out clothes are work out clothes.  And swimsuits are NOT work out clothes.  If you forgot shorts and a shirt and all you have is a swimsuit, that is God's way of telling you it's a POOL DAY.

Meanwhile, I'm too traumatized to work out today.  I need to lie down.

Happy Independence Day to all my American friends!  God Bless America!

(And stay away from the liquor if you're going to set off fireworks.)

You see, Mr. Scott? In the water I'm a very skinny lady. (except in the hot tub)

Good afternoon!

I love water.   I love being in the water.  For as much as I grouse about swim suits, I love, love, LOVE being in the water.

It's worth it because my hair looks AWESOME!

So it's no surprise that I love the pools at Gold's Gym.  I reward myself each week with one day of "water work out" that doesn't count any water aerobics class I might get into.  Nope, my water work out day, generally Thursday, is my favorite day because I get to swim and float and jog in the water on my own.  Generally I'm alone, so it's peaceful, and it's the one place I feel thin.  Sort of like Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.  (The good one starring Gene Hackman and Shelley Winters, not any of the terrible remakes.)

If you recall, Shelley Winters plays Mrs. Rosen, a heft lady who saves the day with an heroic swim at a key point in the movie.  When she suggests that she do the swim and not any of the fitter folks in the group, she's met with ridicule.  But she's able to convince them all, and she saves them all.  (okay, I hope I didn't spoil it for you....but come on.  That movie is almost 40 years old.  If you haven't seen it, that's not my problem.  Go rent it right now.  You'll love it.)

Well, that's how I feel in the pool at Gold's.  My knees don't hurt, my hands hurt less, I'm graceful, even my hair is flowing and beautiful which is a real trick considering how short it is.

And then, after a good 30-45 minutes of solid work and self esteem building in the pool...I crush everything with a five minute dip in the hot tub.

I can see you're skeptical about this.  How can such a water lover feel fat in the hot tub?

Let's review the make up of  my swim attire, shall we?

I wear one of two swim suits.  A lady like top and skirt ensemble that flows like graceful magic in the water of the pool....and floats like dead fish on the surface of the hot tub water.

I also wear a one piece thing with a very sturdy top and a soft, thinner material on the bottom.  Oh, and it has pockets.  Now, in the pool this suit behaves pretty well.  The pockets tend to invert giving me a very weird looking bump on my hips, but everything stays pretty much in place.  Until I hit the hot tub where the legs of the suit and the pockets all fill up with air and actually make it hard for me to sit down.  If I try to force the air of my shorts....well, what do YOU think that looks like?

Yep, I've cleared the hot tub at Gold's more than once because those in there with me think I'm suffering from a hellacious case of gas.  No one wants to be around that, so, in an effort not to offend, I simply force myself down on the bench and allow myself to look....huge.  Really, really, REALLY huge.

I try not to let it get to me of course.  I've made jokes about my swim suits over the years.  Someday, I'd like to think I'll be thin enough that I can wear something that doesn't involve a skirt or shorts, but I know that fat is not the only reason I where suits like that, so it's very likely I'll always be the fat, gassy woman in the hot tub.

I can live with that...because I know the next time I get in the pool, I'll be thin and graceful again, and that IS a feeling I cherish, even if only for a few minutes a week.