"House Hunters" or Bra Shopping? Same Thing!

WARNING:  

This blog contains a frank discussion about bras and what we put in them.  You have been warned.

Wow, this month has just flown by!  I can't even blame writing this time around because it's marketing season and I'm out and about doing events instead of writing.

Oh, wait, so I have been busy!

Anyway, I was sitting down, taking a moment for myself (okay, I was lying on the couch, four hours into what would turn out to be an eight hour TV marathon of nonsense) when an episode of "House Hunters" came on.

This is the show where a couple or a family decide to move from their home to another place in the US.  (Or, you can watch my favorite alternate in the series, "House Hunters International").  At the start of the show, the home buyers sit down with a real estate agent and tell them what they want. That conversation sounds something like this:

Home buyer one:  I'd like four bedrooms, a remodeled basement so I can work on my interpretive dance, an in ground pool, out in the country but close to neighbors.

Home buyer Two:  I want to live in the city, two bedrooms, old world charm, a fully remodeled kitchen, a four car garage so I can park all my toys in there. Also, and this is a deal breaker, I must have an extra deep soaking tub in the master en suite bathroom.

Home Buyer one:  We don't need a soaking tub. I don't even care if there's a bathroom at all, as long as we are way, way out away from everyone except neighbors who live close, but not too close.

Real estate agent:  And what is your maximum price point for this?

Both homes buyers together:  $300. We absolutely refuse to pay more than that to purchase a home.

Oh yeah! And in that sexiest of all colors...beige!

Yeah, so that's a bit like my recent attempt to buy a bra.  I looked into the depths of my lingerie drawer and was underwhelmed.  To call what I own "lingerie" is...optimistic.  Face it, I'm in my 50's, I'm fluffy, the clothes I wear that people see are all about coverage and comfort. Do you think the stuff you don't see is going to somehow be glamorous?

I've talked about bra shopping before.  It's just the worst.  And yes, I've gone and gotten measured.  (Here's a hint to minimize the humiliation of that:  Go to Lane Bryant on Black Friday at about 2 in the morning.  No one is in the store and you'll get all the help you need.)  The problem is, much like everything else in a woman's fashion world, one company's size is not the same as another. And sizes can, and will vary from style to and style color to color within a company. Sort of like jeans shopping, only more naked and therefore more awful.

But how is bra shopping like "House Hunters?" you ask.  I'll tell you.

I go into a store or go online thinking:  I want a bra. I want a bra in my size with a racer back. (Because apparently women who are my size also have shoulders that are six feet wide. I do not...therefore my straps fall down unless it's an X-wing back.) I want an under wire. (To keep the glands pointing in the same direction.) I want a front closure. (Because getting into a X-wing back without a front closure involves acrobatic moves of which I am no longer capable.)  I want it lightly padded or lined with a smooth front. (I don't like "poke through" and I don't like showing off a lacy pattern through my "Be Nice to the Author or She Will Kill You in Her Next Novel" shirt.  Sort of takes away the fierceness.)

Now, if you've been in a retail clothing store lately, you know that the bra section is like a wide forest of tightly packed bras of all sizes (except mine...general retail simply doesn't carry a bra beyond a size 42 in any cup. Now, if I were a 36 but needed a triple D, well I can find fifty of those in all colors.  But I'm round all the way around...not just up front.  I'm balanced, not top heavy.) and styles.  You'd think that somewhere in there I'd find one that would work.

And you'd be wrong.

Here's a basic (very basic) chart of different styles of bra:

Go ahead, study it. I'll wait.

Women understand this, but for my male readers, let me note that this is, as I mentioned, a BASIC chart.  This does not take into account the many variations of style and structure. This is the home brewed Taster's Choice coffee of bra selections.

I've given up on retail shopping.  Victoria's Secret laughed at me when I asked then for a 46C.  They don't make anything that big. I laughed at Lane Bryant when they asked for $70 for a bra.  "These are not magical boobs," I said, "They don't do tricks. They don't need anything quite that fancy."  (Yeah, I'm a huge hit at Lane Bryant.)

So I hit the online stores, and by that I mean Amazon.  I type in all my requirements:  Racer back, 43C lined, under wire, front closure.  Under $50.  

You'd be amazed at what comes up. Hundreds and hundreds of bras.

And none of it is what I want. 

So, much like the people on "House Hunters" I have to ponder what I really, really need in a bra.  Am I willing to take the racer back without a front closure?  Can I go without under wires?  (The older I get, the more often I answer that question NO NO NO!)

Ultimately, something has to give and it's generally my patience.  Unlike "House Hunters" I don't limit my search to three places and there's no real estate agent to call and "WORK HER MAGIC" on the price when I decide I'm willing to pay an extra 50% over my stated budget because I just have to have stainless steel appliances...oh, wait, I mean...stainless steel under wire.

I envy those folks on "House Hunters" I really do. At least they solve their search in 22 minutes.  For me, finding a bra that fits what I'm looking for is taking forever!

Oh, and in case you'd like to get in on the fun (of "House Hunters" not my bra shopping.) check out this game:

Enjoy!

Try not to think of my...girl glands...the next time you watch the show.  (I know I've ruined it for at least three guys...)