Good afternoon all!
Two blogs in two days? What is going on?
My life. The weirdness in my life. I live it, take note of it, and report back to you. That's how this works. And this time, this blog has been certified FUNNY by Hubby and Serena (not her real name, but she knows who she is because I told her this story over bad whiskey sours earlier this week.)
So, I was at the grocery store on Monday, the Meijer store in my town. I like the Meijer store. I used to like Woodman's, and then I found Meijer, which is cleaner, less crowded, and tends to have enough cashiers on to handle the check out duties. Also, the produce department doesn't smell funny.
At Meijer they have door greeters. Like Walmart, but less...no, wait. These greeters are just as funky as the ones at Walmart. There's one woman who sounds like she's on a looped tape: "Welcome to Meijer...haha...have a great day..haha." Every ten seconds.
There's the guy who pushes his cane in a shopping cart. Think about that for a minute. HE. PUSHES. HIS. CANE. IN. A. SHOPPING. CART.
And then there's Santa Guy. Santa Guy is exactly what he sounds like: A guy working at Meijer who looks like Santa...at least from the neck up.
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| What? Santa can't have an off season job? |
Anyway, back to my story.
So I'm shopping and I find a couple pins that would work for my mom's art. She does this really cool thing with old jewelry and picture frames. If I see jewelry on clearance I'll pick pieces up for her. Such was the case on Monday. I found two small star pins, about the size of the top of my thumbs. 80 cents each. I tossed them in with the rest of my groceries and went through the checkout line.
I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I don't spend a lot of time staring at how the cashier is loading my shopping bags. I'm busy typing in my ID number so I can get all the coupons and bonus savings and what not, and then I watch the screen to make sure all that gets to my total. By the time the bags are in my cart again, I barely have a clear picture of everything I bought.
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| My cart after grocery shopping. No, not feeding an army...just four people... |
In order to leave the store, I have to walk past Greeter Santa Guy. I wave at him and say, "You too!" when he says, "Thanks for Shopping at Meijer." (Because that's what you do, right Brian Regan?)
As I walk between the two security posts the red lights flash and the beepers go off. I do that thing where you look around to see who tried to shoplift something...and I realize it's me.
So now Santa Guy is walking closer to me. I pull my cart back to him, no small task, and I say, "I'm not sure what set off the alarms, but I did buy a couple pins so maybe that?"
Santa guy: That might do it. They can't remove the security tag on jewelry.
Me: Well here's my receipt (I pull it out of my pocket).
Santa Guy: (scanning) Yes, I see it. You paid for two pins.
Me: 80 cents each.
Santa Guy: Yes.
Me: Great. Have a nice day.
Santa Guy: We have to find those pins.
Me: What?
Santa Guy: We have to find the pins, in your groceries.
Me: I haven't a clue where she put two pins in the ten bags in this cart.
Santa Guy starts digging around in my cart. So I start digging two. At this point, finally, a SECURITY lady huffs up to us.
Santa Guy: She set off the alarm, she bought two pins.
Me: 80 cents each.
Security Lady: That'll do it.
AND SHE WALKS AWAY.
Now, I've told him what I got. He knows I paid for them. And the security lady doesn't see to care. So why am I standing in front of an open door at Meijer on a hot day, digging through all of my groceries, (WHICH INCLUDE SOME FEMININE PUNCTUATION ITEMS) with Santa Guy?
But, dig we must, apparently, so dig we did. While other shoppers passed us, staring at me like I'm a criminal, Santa Guy and I opened and pawed through every single bag until finally...just under the Feminine Punctuation products (or course) we found the pins.
That should have been the end of it. And had it been, there probably would have been no blog. But this is where it all goes really sideways in my brain.
(I should note I typically do not think of the way the older generations talk as condescending. Language is an evolving thing...people typically are not when it comes to their habits. If they did evolve, then the phrase "should've went" would be dead. But it's not.)
Anyway, Santa Guy picks up the pins and points out the black security tag on the back of each one. "That's what set off the alarms," he says.
Now, he's still holding the bag with the items and he's still holding my receipt.
Santa Guy: I want you to watch what I'm doing now.
Me: Okay. (Waiting for a magic trick or some coupons or something for my trouble)
Santa Guy: I'm taking the receipt and I'm putting it in this bag with the pins so that you don't have the trouble you just had.
Me: (Wait, you mean I might get stopped again by you if I walk three feet to my left and try to leave the store in the next ten seconds? Really?)Santa Guy: And now I want you to see what I'm doing.. Are you watching?
Me: (Starting to chew on the inside of my mouth) Yes...
Santa Guy: I'm tying the handles of the bag together so the receipt won't blow out of the bag and you won't lose it.
O-M-G I just got MANSPLAINED BY SANTA.
I soooooooooo wanted to punch Santa Guy right in the face. And I'm so not a violent person...not really. Sure, I'm going to probably kill him in an upcoming novel, but that' not violence, it's literature. Or it will be in a 100 years when they teach my novels in college classes.
Instead of punching Santa and getting put on the naughty list, I turned out to make my escape. If course... I set off the alarm again, since NO ONE at Meijer is apparently able to remove the security tags from jewelry.
But hey, Santa Guy smiled at me the way you would smile a cute puppy who has just chewed on your worst enemies' shoe. And he said, in the tenderest of condescending voices, "You're fine now, you can go along."
Oh, and as for that security tag no one could remove? While I was telling hubby this story, I held one of the pins in my hand and tugged lightly on the tag to prove it could not be removed. It fell off in my hands.
Happy weekend everyone!
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