The first casualties when computers take over the world: Kids and Receptionists.

Hello everyone!

I don't generally write about my job these days because, well, I work alone, from home, and my co workers are miles away from me. If they annoy me, I simply close down my instant message window and go get another cup of coffee.

Nope, no more Elsie W or Noelle C in my life.  My job's not funny. I never work with insane, stupid people ever again.

Or so I thought.

To explain what I do for work now is complicated, and I think it's a little confidential, so I won't go into detail. Let's just say I set up job interviews for people I've never met.  Which means I talk to a lot of people on the phone every day.  Many of those people are smart, kind, helpful, and good natured.

Any some of them have been cripplingly stupid.

I blame the Internet.

I've asked some teacher friends of mine so I'm not just basing this claim on my own opinion, but man...the Internet is making some of us (and you probably don't think it's you, but it might be) really, really stupid.  When I was a kid, if you wanted to know something about a foreign country, you went to the encyclopedia, you pulled the correct volume, you flipped through the pages until you found the country and you read about that country.

In order to do that, you had to be aware of where the bookshelves were, which books were encyclopedias, which letter of the alphabet you had to find, and how to find something in a book. You also needed to know how to walk to the book shelf and back without disrupting a classroom full of other kids looking up the same information about other countries.

That all required some skill. And that was skill that then translated into a job later as a receptionist or

Can type and file while on the phone

. Can't walk more than fifty feet

 in the shoes she's wearing.

Knows who's going to get fired next week,

who's pregnant and not admitting it, and who likes whiskey 

in their morning coffee.

Will be cooking a four course dinner for herself and her husband

when she gets home.

office manager or what have you, because you knew how to look things up, gather information, read, walk, and alphabetize.

Which meant if you were looking for a job when I was a kid, you could call an office, get the woman (I'm not being sexist, the person who answered the phones 90% of the time when I was a kid was a woman.) at the front desk, ask her if they were hiring, and she could tell you what positions were open, what hours were available, how to apply, what their phone number and address were, and who to talk to about an interview.

Things have changed.

Whereas you'd be a shoo in for a receptionist job if you could talk on the phone and make coffee, now you need (I'm not kidding, I do this for a living, remember) a college degree, you need to know how to operate all the Windows systems including Excel, you need to have book keeping experience, be bilingual, be able to process payments of all types over the phone, and be able to lift 60 pounds at any given moment. You also must be able to sit for long periods of time, be on your feet 8 hours a day, and be certified in CPR.

Has an MBA, runs marathons, builds websites for fun.

Has no idea what the company actually does. Doesn't know 

the names of more than seven other employees.  Uses her oven

for storage. 

You know what you do not need to be a receptionist?

Any sort of working knowledge about the employment needs of the company. You only need to know these words, "It's on the Internet."

How do you need all that knowledge and still not need to know whether or not you're hiring?  How do you need to be that educated...and still know nothing?

Well, I know, you're going to tell me that companies now have HR departments.  That's fine.  I get it.  So when I get the receptionist who graduated from Berkley with a PHD in ordering coffee from Starbucks but has no idea what the office address is (I seriously had that conversation with a receptionist the other day.  I asked her what her street address was, she had no idea what I was asking.) that's when I ask for the HR person or the Personnel department.

And you'd think I was asking that receptionist for her social security number.

This was an actual conversation I had the other day:

Receptionist: ABC Company

Me: I'd like to speak with someone in your human resources department.

Her:  Why?

Me:  I'm calling to ask some questions about an open position.

Her: Have you looked on our website to see if we are hiring?

Me:  Yes, and it says you are, so I would like to ask some questions regarding the position.

Her: You have to apply for it online before you can talk to anyone in HR.

Me:  I'm just trying to find out if the job is still open.

Her:  You have to apply online to find that out.

At this point I realize I'm not getting anywhere with her.  So I bid her a good day. I hang up. I dial the office number again, this time instead of pressing 0 for the operator I press 4 to report an absence to HR. Sure, not the most honest way to do things, but hey, I have to do what I do.

I had a boss that made me keep a sign on my desk that 

said, "Director of First Impressions."

I put it on Elsie W's desk...and watched the fun.

And this is the following:

Her:  A B C company.

me:  (It's the same receptionist.)  HR please.

Her:  Why?

Me: I pressed 4 to speak to HR.

Her:  You didn't press 4. You got me.

Me: Believe me, I pressed 4.

Her: Well you got me.

Me:  But I'd like HR. please.

Her:  You can't talk to anyone in HR.

Me:  Why not?

Her:  You have to press four to get them.

Me:  (I'm biting the inside of my mouth to keep from screaming.)  I. Did. Press. Four.

Her: Oh, you know what?  They're all at a conference today. No one from HR is in the office at all.

Me:  So how would I report an absence?  (because now I'm curious about the workings of the company.

Her:  The same way you would normally, you press four and leave a message.

Me:  I. Did. Press. Four. But. I. Got. You.

Her:  (Loooong pause.)  Oh, wait.

Me: What?

Her:  I picked up the wrong line!  Ooopsy doodle. Can you, like, just hang up and dial again and press four?  I don't remember how to transfer you from this line to HR.  I won't pick up again.


I'm shocked to report that the company isn't actively hiring a new receptionist.  They were, some months ago, and I looked at the job requirements. Sure enough, if "oopsy" got this job, it means she has a Bachelor's degree or higher in business, 5-7 years of reception and book keeping experience and can type 90 words per minute.

Pity she doesn't know how to transfer a call to HR.

The people who answer the phone for the company used to know everything about the company.  It was part of the gig. It's what made you a good receptionist.  When I worked as one, I knew who was in the office, who was on vacation, who was sick at home in bed (and who was lying about being sick).  I knew who would take random calls and who would not.  And I certainly knew if we were hiring.  Sure, I have a Bachelor's degree, but it's not in business, and everything else I learned by keeping my eyes and ears open.  I had to learn things before the Internet came along.


The Internet made us all stupid.

Now the Internet does everything for us.  Literally.  Kids don't have to look up anything in an encyclopedia. They don't even have to look it up online.  They just ask Siri or Alexa or whichever of the computerized brains we're allowing to do our work for us.


Think I'm kidding? Okay, it's back to school time...your kids are going to have reports and whatnot they have to do.  When they come up to you and say, "I have a report on Lewis and Clark," try telling them this:

"Well let's go to the library and do some research in the encyclopedias."

Let me know if you get some version of this look:

And then, for fun, wait until the night before that report is due...and shut down the wifi in your house.  Yeah, you might have to give up an evening of Netflix, but hey, it's worth it to watch their little faces melt and their little brains explode when they can't ask Alexa to do their homework for them.