Farting after 50.

Scarlett O'Hara and I have a lot in common.

1) Our mothers raised us to be ladies.

2)  Most of that training didn't take in either of us.

3)  We'd very much like to be thought of as great ladies, even if we don't act like it.

4) We both drink coffee.  (Which really has nothing to do with the point I'm making in this blog, but any similarity I can muster between myself and Scarlett is a good one.)

 How on earth do we get from Scarlett O'Hara to the title subject of farting?

Well, here it is:

 Try as we might to be ladies, Scarlett and I ultimately fail at one thing; containing our bodily noises, such as belching, hiccupping, and yes, farting.

If you recall the movie  (because everyone has SEEN "Gone with the Wind," RIGHT?) you'll recall two instances in the film where Scarlett releases bodily air. The first is right before the party at 12 Oaks when she belches and says, "I just don't know how I'll get through the day without belching."  The second is after her second husband's funeral when she's drowning her sorrows in brandy and she hiccups.


I feel her pain.

My husband and I have been together since we were 18.    I'd been taught it was very unladylike, nay, it was socially horrifying, to allow the body to make any sort of noise other than speech.  Coughing and sneezing were allowed but only very rarely. Everything else MUST BE SUPPRESSED in the interest of manners.

What this meant was that all the time we were dating, and for the better part of our marriage, I did not belch or fart in Hubby's presence. In fact, the whole time we were dating, I didn't use the bathroom on a date.  I waited until I got home. Or, if we were visiting his mother, I would only go when I said I was showering, then, under cover of the running water, I would allow myself some relief.


Sure, this lead to some real discomfort on my part, but I WAS A LADY.


I should also mention that I didn't EAT like I do now in front of my husband. I ate like a little bird. Small everything. Small fries, small order of whatever, small diet coke.  I have that in common with Scarlett, too.  She didn't get to eat a proper meal (thanks to the manners of the day and, you know, the WAR) in front of a man until her honeymoon with husband #3.

As I think about it, I feel a bigger kinship with Ms. Scarlett about all these silly social mores we have to follow (or we did...I have no idea how dating and courtship and all that works now. My kids mock me all the time.)  I mean, Scarlett was sixteen when she was widowed for the first time. And society said she COULDN'T dance?  Oh yeah, I was raised in a "no dancing society" too!  AND MUCH LIKE Ren from "Footloose," Neither Scarlett nor I could stop our dancing feet!

 Oh, wait. I'm not talking about dancing. I'm talking about farting.

 Well here's my point: Now that I'm fifty plus, I've decided it's time to be real. I mean, once you've given birth in front of your husband believe me, all the mystery and about 90% of the romance is shot.  (Young mothers to be take note:  you will poop on the delivery table.  You will.  It will happen.  Maybe not with the first kid, but it will. And you will feel horrible about it. And your husband will never look at you the same.  And THIS is why you SHOULD NOT videotape a live birth.  It's not beautiful, it's not magical, it's blood and screaming and POOP.  I can't get anyone to watch my wedding video and I looked like a FREAKING FAIRY PRINCESS IN THAT!)

Wait, back to farting. Anyway, now that I'm beyond the half century mark, I'm just letting the air leave my body anyway it sees fit. Belching?  Sure, hiccups, why not?  Farting...oh good lord, someone open a window and let me be free!

 Many nights hubby and I sit side by side on our leather furniture and fart and belch. And here's what's funny about leather furniture. It does NOT absorb sound. Nope, it amplifies it. So we're sitting there watching "NCIS" (because that's what people in their 50's do) and it's like the tuba section of a college marching band in our living room.  Sometimes we say, "Oh, excuse me." But, after all these years together, really, we perfectly comfortable with each other's noises.

That does NOT mean we share a toothbrush.  I'll harmonize with him while we break wind together, but I'm not sharing a tooth brush. That's just...gross.

But other that not sharing a toothbrush...we're solid. So, kids, take it from Sarah and Scarlett:  The secret to a happy marriage is being able to let gas and air leave your body however it wishes to.

Yeah, because Rhett and Scarlett stayed together forever, right?  She ate, belched, they farted together and they lived happily ever after...right?

They didn't?

Oh...hm...maybe I need to rethink this...

Man, just when I was getting comfortable!

Holding out for a (Anti) Hero.

Good morning everyone!

So last night Hubby and I were binge-watching a Showtime TV series on Netflix and I realized something fairly disturbing about our favorite series:  The heroes are actually the villains.

Going all the way back to my childhood I've loved a good hero.  It started with Randy Mantooth, TV's "Johnny Gage" on "Emergency!"  Now, Johnny was hardly perfect...and had 1970's television been a touch more graphic it's doubtful my parents would have allowed me to watch a show featuring a fireman who had a bed in the back of his personal vehicle.  That said, Johnny Gage was my first love, and my first hero.

Over the years I've come to realize I have a type:  Tall, dark, and heroic with just a touch of bad boy.  Tom Selleck, Mark Harmon, Scott Bakula were all my dreamboats through the 80's and into the 90's (and oh yes, I'm all over Mark Harmon and Scott Bakula on their NCIS shows on Tuesday...it's the highlight of my week).  All of this culminated with the ultimate hero (with just a touch of bad boy) David James Elliott as Harmon Rabb on JAG.

With the exception of NCIS, however, I I realize that the "hero ideal" is sort of...non existent in TV today.  Instead, we've replaced the slightly bad boy HERO with a completely decent BAD GUY.

Not sure what I'm talking about? Okay, let's look at just a couple of the biggest TV shows in the last decade:

Don Draper.  Tall, dark, handsome, rich.  Completely amoral.  Smoker-drinker-womanizer-complete jackwagon at work.  Oh, and let's not forget the whole stolen identity thing.

Walter White:  Family man. Endearing father.  Faithful husband.  Dedicated High school teacher.  Meth kingpin and murderer.

Dexter Morgan:  Mild mannered blood expert.  Family guy.  Devoted brother.  Crime fighter.  Serial killer.

Marty Byrde:  Husband, father, all around good guy played by the ultimate all around good guy, Jason Bateman.  Oh, but Marty is a mob money launderer who also, if memory serves, stole a strip club.









These are the TV shows I can't put down. These are the heroes, if you can call them that, that I'm cheering for.  Yes, I wanted Walter White to make the "good meth" and I'm cheering for Dexter to slaughter people because he only kills the really deserving.  And I want Marty to succeed in laundering all the money he's hidden in the walls of the resort he also sort of stole.  And as for Don Draper, well, yes, he must drink all the Scotch and sleep with all the women so he can be brilliant and save the ad campaign.  

Sing it, Bonnie.

What has happened to our heroes?  When did we decide evil criminals were the guys we were going to cheer for?  Does the right motivation truly cover a multitude of sins?  It must, because I fill my TV time with hours up hours of just this kind of material.  

It can't just be about the lead being good looking.  I mean...let's face it, Bob Odenkirk is many things, but good looking he is not. Yet, when I sit down to watch "Better Call Saul" or "Breaking Bad" I'm truly cheering for this sleezeball lawyer to win at all costs.  (The same goes for Brian Cranston of "Breaking Bad".)  The key is that they are compelling and sincere, even at their worst. 

It doesn't hurt the antihero movement if the guy in question is good looking. I mean, Jon Hamm (Mad Men), yes please!  (Although if my husband started acting like Don Draper, I'd show him the door.  So I guess money and ridiculous good looks do count.  I'm not proud that I'm admitting that.  But I know I'm not alone.)


Where are the good guys?  Where is the balance to all of the dark-souled evil we see in so many male characters now?  Where is the 

Oh, wait...maybe we just don't want them....

Are we simply getting what we deserve?  Have we gravitated toward the "bad boy" side of heroes so far that we've lost the "hero" and just gotten the "bad boy?"



I would love to see another pure hero type all around good guy back on TV.  A nice guy who is just out to "put right what once went wrong."  You know, someone I could sort of fall in love with without feeling dirty.

(This one's currently fighting crime in New Orleans on Tuesday nights.)






Maybe I'll mount some kind of protest, you know, demand that TV bring back a true "knight in shining armor" kind of guy.  Demand that we walk away from hot criminal and celebrate the "good guys" who are truly "good."


Wait, what's that?

TABOO season 2 is coming out soon?  

Never mind...