The wedding was perfect...we are not...#3

Hello everyone!

THE DAY OF THE WEDDING!

Saturday dawned bright and clear...probably.  I haven't a clue because I was recovering from my attack of the half brat the night before.  We didn't even attempt to make it to the free breakfast at the hotel.  Instead, we all met at the Ihop attached to the hotel.  (Four steps from the "free breakfast."  Yeah, I'd close up shop early if I had to compete with Ihop.)   We all had a lovely late, late breakfast and decided that we had some time to shop before the wedding.  This was a NEED for me because after seeing myself in pictures in a dress, I realized that 1)  the terrain was far too rocky and grassy for me to manage ALL DAY in the high heels and 2)  I wasn't quite confident enough to appear in public in a loose fitting dress again...not just yet.

Hubby mentioned he'd spotted a mall on the way to the airport and the kids and we decided to GO TO THE MALL.  (Grandma stayed at the hotel and read a book.)  

As we got out of the car for what seemed like the 11000th time, Hubby confessed that he wasn't all that sure that this mall was...a real mall.

I wasn't quite sure what he meant until we got into the mall and I realized that it felt familiar.    It felt like...that casino in "Vegas Vacation" where they played Rock Paper Scissors.

There was not a single normal store in the entire mall.  About 50% of the mall was made up of empty stores whose windows were filled with stuff from other stores and directions where to find the stores in this mall.

There were several sports memorobilia stores.  Some looked legit, some looked like a woman got all the sports stuff in the divorce.  There were a couple costume shops, two furniture stores, a good health "Experience,"  and my favorite, "Christian Karate."

I was looking for shoes.

I was not succeeding.

Until we saw a Dillard's!  It was a department store, but it was the closeout store, so the racks were a mess and the shoes were mismatched and everything was 65% off!

MY KIND OF PLACE!

I found a skirt and a pair of shoes that were comfortable and looked okay on me.  The kids were bored because it wasn't a normal mall.

We got back to the hotel with enough time to fix our toe nails, shower, and get into our wedding duds.

Two hours later we attempted to collect everyone, load them in the car and get to the wedding venue in time for PEaches and Grandma to get dressed for the wedding.  (THe rest of us had to already be dressed.)

It's at this point in the story that I have to go back a couple days to the night we left.  Parker's mom dropped him off at our house.  Parker had a duffle back and a wedding outfit covered in plastic hanging on a hanger.  Flash forward 24 hours to our arrival in Asheville when the kids were unloading their stuff I said, "Isn't that Parker's bag of wedding clothes?"

Hubby said, "No, it's mine."

Parker and Peaches said, "Parker didn't have a bag with wedding clothes.  It's all in his duffle."

And we're back.  We're back to the moment when I get to the kids room and Peaches says to me, "Parker's still in the bathroom...he can't find his wedding clothes."

I, alone, knew exactly where those clothes were.  They were hanging up in my house.  In Wisconsin.

Now this was going to be a casual sort of wedding, but Parker's B outfit was a shirt and shorts that he'd worn all day the previous day.  It wasn't going to be THAT casual.

Thank goodness for Walmart!  We loaded everyone into the car, drove to the venue where Hubby dropped off Peaches, Grandma, and me and then he and Parker drove to Walmart to find the boy some suitable clothes.

With everyone I knew busy, I got to regail complete strangers with the story of our wedding trip thus far.  The two groomsmen's wives I was chatting with weren't really that impressed with much until I talked about the shoes I got. 

"Oh, what brand are they?"

Now, friends, I couldn't care less about brand names.  I look for clothes that 1) fit  2) don't make me look like a hippopotamic landmass and 3)  are comfortable.

I never look at labels.

I pulled off the sensible shoe I was wearing and said, "It's says Antonio Melani."

Had I said, "Jesus Christ Himself designed these shoes," those women could not have been more impressed.

They went on for several minutes about how awesome the shoes were.  Frankly, I thought they were sort of ugly, but they were almost comfortable, so I was happy.

hubby arrived with Parker all dressed in his new Walmart clothes just in time for the wedding.  The wedding was PERFECT!  The ring bearer was Carolina, The couple's basset Hound.  It was a fifteen minute ceremony followed by hours of fantastic food and beverages.

Oh wait...beverages.

One more thing I have to tell you, because it wouldn't be a story unless there was one more trip to Walmart involved.

As the reception was starting, the Bride's mother, Hubby's sis, approached us and said, "People want bottled water and we aren't serving bottled water."

Frankly, I was delighted with the raspberry lemonade...who would want bottled water when Wine, beer, lemonade and TEA were plentiful?

Apparently a lot of people.

So Hubby and I put Parker in charge of taking pictures  (I know...it was a huge leap of faith.)  and we went back to Walmart to get a few cases of bottled water.  While we were getting ready to leave, one of the servers managed to get stung by a bee.  So, hey, as long as we're going to Walmart, we'll pick up some Benadryl

She asked if she could repay us.  I told her to keep the fried green tomatoes coming right to me.

So there it is my friends...a three volume travel log.  Feels like you were there, doesn't it?

I have to share some of the pictures with you:

The groom and the ring bearer.

The happy couple.

My two beautiful nieces.

The bridesmaids and the couple.

Parker and PEaches...and Parker's Walmart Wedding outfit.

The Wedding was perfect...we are not...#2

Good evening!

So after the drama of the previous night, we looked forward to Rehearsal dinner Day.

Now for those of you who have never been in a wedding in the US, the Rehearsal Dinner is the meal that follows the Rehearsal which is theorhetically the run through of the wedding so that no one, like the groomsmen, the bridesmaids, the minister, the groom, whatever, screws up the Bride's big day.

Rehearsal  Dinner Day, for most of us, Hubby, Parker, and I, was planned to be a quiet day of sightseeing followed by a dinner at the venue.   We had no idea where the venue was because 1)  Neither of us had actually looked at the invitation since February and 2)  Peaches, the bridesmaid had never actually seen the invitation.

So, first order of business...free breakfast at the hotel.

Why do hotels offer free breakfast, and then close it up by 10 AM?  That's like making check out time 11 Am, it's just wrong.  It doesn't take into account what most people use hotel rooms for...messing around until late at night and then sleeping in.

So we were about the last people to show up for the free hotel breakfast.  That meant we had a choice of toast...and toast.

No worries, the coffee was adequate.  We planned on doing some shopping and sightseeing and what not.

And then Peaches announced she was getting picked up by the maid of honor to pick out the flowers for hte wedding.  Oh, and we had to be at the rehearsal because we were driving Grandma, so we all had to be at the venue by 4.

After you get five people of different generations moving in the same direction at once you realize you have about 90 minutes to sight see before you have to get the five people moving in another direction.

Side note:  The maid of honor couldn't give us the name or address of the wedding venue either.  I'm just sayin'.

We got to the venue...five minutes late due to the fact that apparently when it rains in North Carolina all traffic on the highway STOPS moving, and it was lovely.  IT was some sort of resort house/palace where everything smelled amazing.

The rehearsal took about twenty minutes, which was good since the Bride's mother, Hubbby's sister  (A master chef in her own right) forgot she'd left the beans to cook on the stove.  The rehearsal ended when she yelled, "THE BEANS" and ran back into the house. 

The meal that Sis in law and her husband put together was pure Wisconsin, with some flair.  We had corn on the cob, watermelon, brats, beer, wine...more beer, more wine.  The flair was a great green bean and bacon dish and crab rolls...yum!

One of the bridal party...we called her an assortment of names based on the clothes she wore, imbibed a tiny bit too much. How do I know?  When she was looking for the wine opener to uncork yet another tankard of wine for herself, she referred to Parker, a fifteen year old boy, as her "Sexy little monkey."

Meanwhile, Sis in law made fried cheese curds.  For those of you not familiar, well, clearly you haven't read my book "Dream in Color"  So now you must go to Amazon and buy it...right now...I'll wait...

Anyway, deep fried cheese curds are simply the best food you're ever going to eat.  Ever.  Period.

It is as this point I should remind you that I'm one of those women who doesn't eat food so much as wind up wearing what she's had for dinner.  Soup, salad dressing, sandwich toppings, meatloaf, whatever, if I'm aiming for my mouth, a portion of it can, and will, fall onto that handy shelf 18 inches below my chin.  I'm telling you this because hubby, in a fit of romantic passion, fed me a deep fried cheese curd, and about half of it wound up on that shelf.

Except I was wearing a dress.

I don't wear dresses.  I don't like how dresses tend to accent the super gut I'm building on myself.  But I figured I'd wear a dress.  So the cheese curd went down the neckline of the dress...through the gap between my new and therefore still stiff bra and my cleavage, past my waist, which was unencumbered by a belt or waistband since I was wearing a dress, past my knees and onto the floor.

Sort of like an elevator ride through hell and onto the ground.

There is no way you can emerge from something like that gracefully.

So I didn't.  I continued having a conversation with my neice, and I kicked the cheesecurd away from me...I think it went under the fridge.  I have no way of knowing.

After the cheese curd debacle, I decided to eat a brat.  Rather, I decided to eat half a brat.  Given how I've pretty much fallen off the vegetarian wagon Hubby and PEaches ride, I've indulged in chicken, fish, and the occassioinal hot dog.  But I haven't had Wisconsin's claim to culinary fame, the brat.   I only ate half a brat.

We had a lovely time, but by 8 Pm it was time to go. We had a couple things to get before the wedding  (most important was a pair of shoes for me.  Oddly enough, when the Bride told Peaches to wear flats to the outdoor wedding, I didn't think that applied to me, in my dress.  After navagating the grounds all evening, I realized...style be darned, I was going to be crippled by the end of the wedding if I didn't get some flats.)

So we went to the place where everything is possible:  Walmart.

As we got out of the car to go to Walmart, Parker said, "I think I forgot my phone...at the venue."

Let's remember this for the next chapter, shall we?

So Hubby and mother in law agreed to run back to the venue while the children and I got some snacks  (wine)  and looked for shoes.

Ten minutes into our shopping spree...I realized that my system hadn't quite gotten used to meat yet.

Especially not the spicy grilled goodness of a bratwurst.

I was at the back of the Walmart, and it was a SUPERWALMART, but thank goodness I know my way around the super walmarts.  Of course, I was still in my dress...and high heels, so I was basically doing a weird sort of butt clench hobble limp run to the bathroom before my entire digestive system ruptured.

I made it in time...and thank goodness I was wearing a dress!  (No fussy zippers or buttons to get in the way.)  Of course, I'm pretty sure my picture is now up on a wall in that restroom with a note that says something like, "If you see this woman in this restroom...run!"

Something about firing an entire day's worth of food right out of you...it pretty much wears you out. hubby returned to the Walmart with Parker's camera and we drove the 30 minutes to the hotel, where I hit the hay and was asleep within minutes.

Sooo...what's left?

Well, my friends, what's left is the wedding day!