This is not good for my rage.

Good morning!

My kids will tell you that I'm an angry driver.  When they were young they'd have to explain to their friends

that no, I'm not yelling at anyone in the car, I'm yelling at other drivers.

It's not that I think I'm the best driver on the road.  I don't.  It's just that I feel there are a few things every driver should be doing and when they aren't, then they are MORONS!  

The list is simple:

1)  Use your directionals when you're making a lane change or a turn.
2)  Drive at a steady speed.  If you're a slow driver, that's okay. Then drive slowly.  Don't drive slowly and then speed up when you realize everyone is passing you and you feel like a dork.  
3)  If you're not willing to drive ten MPH over the speed limit, for the LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, STAY OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!
4)  If you insist on putting on your makeup, talking on your phone, or texting, that's fine.  I'm not going to tell you how to live.  But if I'm late to work, or can't make a turn, or get in a crash because you can't get your crap together BEFORE you get in the car and therefore you are overcompensating by DRIVING MORE SLOWLY AND TAKING UP THE ENTIRE ROAD, then yes, I'm going to yell at you out of my car window.

Well, this past week, on several different driving occasions, I realized there's one more thing I have to add to the list.  And it's so stupid, I can't believe people are actually doing this on the road, but this week it's happened often enough that I have to put it on the list.

THE LIGHT IS GREEN:  WHY ARE YOU BRAKING FOR A GREEN LIGHT?

Admittedly, since my car accident two years ago, I'm a far more cautious driver than I was and no one prior to the accident would have labeled me a maniac.  I tend to err on the side of caution at lights.  I try not to push faster at a yellow, I tend to stop.  But, come on, GREEN MEANS GO.

This past week, on no less than four separate moments, while behind four different cars at four different intersections I witnessed this.  People are braking, slowing down, and coming to a near stop at GREEN LIGHTS.

This is not good for my rage.

Who are these people?  Isn't like cluttered enough?  Don't we have enough stop lights and signs and idiot drivers who think they're driving extra careful because they're distracted or impaired and we wind up getting behind them and can't get around them because, since they can't be bothered to follow ALL the rules, they think they're making up for it by following a few rules EXTRA WELL.  (Hey, soccer mom on the phone while reading your kids' report cards...you AREN'T FOOLING ANYONE!)

Where was I? Oh yes:  Aren't there enough reasons to have to slow down or stop while driving, does a GREEN LIGHT actually have to be one of them?  Is there there we are as a society?  We stop for green lights and merrily drive through red ones?  I know we wanted to be a color blind society...I just didn't realize it was going to apply to traffic lights.

So, as a public service announcement, let me say this:  

Green means GO.

Red means STOP.

Yellow does NOT mean "punch it faster."

But mostly:  GREEN DOES NOT MEAN STOP!

Five for Friday: I should have a bull horn in my car...

Good evening!

I've never made the claim that I am an awesome driver.  I'm a decent driver who believes that there's a minimum code of conduct we all need to follow so that everyone can get from point A to point B in a safe, smooth, timely, non-road-rage-inducing manner.  Today I realized that the only way that is going to happen is if I get a bull horn and keep it in my car...and here are five very valid reasons why:

5)  Go ahead, assume we know what maneuver you're going to make without using your directionals.

One of my biggest pet peeves while driving has to be people who move around the road making turns and lane changes without bothering to use their directionals.  Oh sure, most of us know exactly what the people around us are going to do, usually just by looking at the car/driver.  (Oh, an old lady in the far right lane, and she can't see over her steering wheel...yeah, she's going to make a left turn across four lanes of traffic right about....NOW!)

If I had a bullhorn in my car, I could inform those who are not communicating nicely with other drivers when they are being morons.  I could say things like:  "NICE USE OF DIRECTIONALS DINGBAT" and the person I'm directing it to would actually hear me, and perhaps learn something from it.

4)  Forget the signs, listen to me about speed limits.
We all pretty much agree, don't we, that you just don't go insane and speed in residential areas.  I mean, there are kids and pets running around, and so I think we all agree that residential streets are not for the high speeds.


That's what the interstate is for.

Don't you hate it when you're going along with traffic on a Friday night and everyone seems to be on the same page speed wise except for two people:  The guy next to you and the guy behind you.  The guy next to you is going your exact speed in spite of the fact that ten minutes ago he was loping along at 5 under the posted limit and everyone was passing him.  Then you get behind him, and pulled around him and now he won't let you pass him.

Which is why the guy behind you, who is going a wildly inappropriately high speed, has crawled up your tailpipe and won't back off.

If I had a bull horn in my car, I could scold both these menaces to polite road society simply by saying, "IF YOU ARE GOING FASTER THAN I AM YOU ARE A MORON AND IF YOU CAN'T DRIVE A STEADY SPEED ON THE INTERSTATE GET OFF AT THE NEXT EXIT AND TAKE SURFACE ROAD UNTIL YOU FIGURE Out HOW TO DRIVE WITH OTHERS."

3) Uncontrolled intersections...and people learning to drive stick shift.  I'm not saying I had an issue...not really...

Okay, so back in college, I had to go pick up some food for a friend who injured her leg.  I didn't have a car, but she did and she said I could drive it.  One tiny little problem...it was a stick shift.  I'd driven a stick shift exactly no times in my life to that point.  Never fear, I told another friend of mine, I can just cruise through the uncontrolled intersections, you just hang out the window and yell that we're coming.  It'll be fine.

It was, and I'm sure my friend Amber recognizes herself as the lucky one who got to hang out the window and yell, "SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO STOP!  JUST LET US GO THROUGH!"

But if I had a bull horn in that circumstance, I wouldn't need Amber.  I could have just done it myself.

Now I know how to drive a stick shift, but given winter weather and the endless ways local budgets are spending plowing and salting money on other things and then get all surprised when winter shows up and they have no salt for the roads and no money to pay the plow guys, those intersections are pretty dicey.  I think having a bullhorn in my car to warn people when I can't stop would be a good thing.

2)  Some people at the ATM can't take a hint.

The average ATM  (Tyme machine) transaction takes 12 key punches and one insertion of your card.  And a full transaction takes about two minutes.  I know.  I timed it tonight on my way home.  Why did I time it?  Because the woman in front of me inserted her card 7 TIMES, pushed the buttons more times than I can count, and took away...yes, you guessed it...no cash!  however, she was able to hold up the Friday night rush to the cash machine very nicely for ten minutes.  If I had a bull horn, I'd be able to yell, "WOMAN, YOU HAVE NO MONEY.  TAKE THE HINT AND LET THE REST OF US GET OUR CASH AND ENJOY OUR FRIDAY NIGHT!"

1)  I need to communicate with my fellow drivers in a verbal way...especially the woman getting on I94 EB this morning at 7:01 AM.

We all have those moments when we wish we could hold up a sign and communicate with the driver we just passed.  Maybe we cut them off and want to apologize.  Maybe we want them to know their coat is dragging outside the door.  Or maybe, like this morning, we'd like to warn them that their snow brush is still on the trunk of their car and it will probably fly off on the interstate and kill someone behind them.  I really hope that woman could read my frantic sign language as she wheeled away from me.  A 30 inch snow brush is a weapon at 55 miles per hour.  Also, it's very funny to see someone driving around with a snow brush on top of their trunk.  But if I had a bull horn, I could have just said, "WOMAN, you left your snow brush on top of your trunk and you're going to kill someone!"

So there you go.  Have a great weekend all...I'm off for dinner with Hubby...and then who knows, maybe we'll go bullhorn shopping!

I suppose it would work for pedestrians, too, but that's another blog.

Elsie W: Dangerous at any speed.

Good evening my friends!

For those of you who follow me on Facebook...and seriously, why AREN'T you friending me on Facebook...you have been waiting since about noon for this blog.

Aren't you kicking yourselves now that I made that silly resolution to hit Gold's 2-3 times per week?

Okay, as promised, here is what happened at Dunder Mifflin, today.

Let me set the scene:

NBM is meeting with The Big Boss  (forever now known as TBB) in Florida.  Which means PM is in charge.  Well, PM already has a full time job being, you know, PM.  He has little or no time to babysit the ladies in the office.  Unfortunately for him, the minute NBM leaves the office, he, PM, is next in line for Elsie's whining.

I'm getting off topic.

Knowing that NBM isn't in house, and therefore not watching the time clock  (We don't have a time clock) Elsie generally takes the opportunity to be...let's say...MORE LATE than normal.  So when she wasn't in the parking lot at her usual 10:59AM, I was not concerned.  I was more interested in the mini van full of old people that pulled in.

Elsie refuses to be late for work.

But just as I was ready to get up and open the door for the old lady just dismounting from her lovely mini van, a rocket of a red Buick shot through the parking lot...I'm not kidding you...at about 40 MPH.

The parking lot is about 100ft long at best.  I had to admire Elsie's braking skills getting that beast of a vehicle to stop before plowing into the dumpster corral.  I was also very thankful she didn't flatten the old lady who was dismounting ever so lady like from her mini van.

And then another mini van came into our parking lot.

Friends, we don't get many visitors here at Dunder Mifflin.  While it is a showroom, it's not easy to find and most of our customers have no idea we even have an office.  So for two carloads of potential shoppers to arrive at the same time Elsie was doing her best drag race impersonation...well, that was some unfortunate timing.

But wait, this is where it gets good.  (And yes...city names have been changed to protect me.)

Yes, this is the face we show to
potential customers who
dare to enter our parking lot.

As the old lady from the blue mini van enters the showroom and I greet her pleasantly, I see, out of the corner of my eye, Elsie bounding out of her car, stomping to the gold mini van, and start to screech at the driver.

We here at Dunder Mifflin typically do NOT screech at our customers.

While I extolled the glories of our product to the lovely old lady, PM strolled out to watch the daily arrival of Elsie.  (PM enjoys race driving, like most of us, for the crashes.  I think he and the install guys have a wager on when...not if...Elsie will actually destroy the concrete dumpster corral.)

Elsie then stomps into the showroom, has a quiet word with PM, and stomps back out.  I'm trying to focus on the old lady, but find it impossible when


TWO POLICE SQUADS PULL INTO THE PARKING LOT.

Oh yes.  Whatever it is that Elsie done did, she done brought the heat to Dunder Mifflin.

Fortunately for me, the old lady didn't need a lot of detail.  She made an appointment for an estimate and went back to her mini van, where she sat, waiting for the cop car to move so she could back out.

That left PM and me free to enjoy the drama unfolding.  Now we didn't have sound, but from what we saw, Elsie and the driver of the gold mini van made statements to the cops.  One cop and the gold mini van left...followed by a very relieved blue mini van.

Elsie stayed outside for another fifteen minutes, waving her arms and getting all up in the duo of police officers' faces.  PM shared this with me.

Apparently, the driver of the gold van thought Elsie was driving erratically...and followed her from her home to the office (25 miles)  all the while having 911 on the phone.  He followed her to the office where the squads met up with them.

This lead me to the question:  Just how bad of a driver is she?  Someone was willing not only to call for help, but to follow her, on a weekday, through traffic for 25 miles.

PM snapped some pics and sent them to NBM's phone.  Not sure it will do much other than give NBM and TBB some entertainment...but we'll see.

Well, Elsie is still sort of mad at me for the conversation we had the night before.  (She said NBM was a cheap...you fill in the blank.  I said just because she didn't get a raise after 6 months of working in the place, that didn't mean he was cheap.  Meant he was smart.  There, I said it.)  So it took her until I was nine minutes from leaving to tell me her side of the story.

"This idiot followed me all the way from my house to work.  I pulled off into a parking lot and he tried to park me in, but I quick drove around him and drove here as fast as I could."

Images of Elsie doing her best "Dukes of Hazzard" driving sprang to my brain.

"He told the police I ran two red lights.  I only went through one as it was changing."

Yeah...and you only get 60 minutes for lunch.  Your internal sense of timing might not be the defense you want to stand on.

"He said he drives these streets with kids and doesn't want someone like me being a menace."

Well said Gold Mini Van!

"He said he had pictures of me swerving in and out of traffic."

Hmmmm, I'm hoping Gold Mini van had a co pilot.

"The cops said he was very convincing."

The cops probably saw you attempt to run over that old lady in the parking lot.

"They asked me if I was late for work."

You're ALWAYS LATE FOR WORK.

"I said, 'well, I never want to be late for work, so if I see I'm getting close, then sure, I drive a little faster and go around slower drivers."

Hey, any of you lawyers in the greater Milwaukee area?  You may want to NOT send any letters to this woman.  Her defense isn't exactly air tight.  Oh, and she's a nit wit.

"They said if I had been in West town while I was driving they would have giving me a ticket, but since I was in East town, they couldn't."

I thought grocery divider sticks were the source of power in the universe.
I was wrong.  It's road paint.  No police officer can cross it.
Not even to protect and serve those of us on the wrong side who
are terrified to step foot in our own parking lots.

So since she was going north on the street, she was in East town...and therefore the West town cops couldn't help out the defenseless drivers in her path?  That was the difference?  The four inch wide paint strip between the north and south bound lanes?  I'm a huge fan of the police.  Love their work.  But you're telling me there was nothing they could do?  She was standing in West Town when they finally caught up to her.  She had a lot...and an office...full of witnesses.  We could have gotten her off the road!  Think of the CHILDREN AND OLD PEOPLE AND GEESE we could save if this woman wasn't wielding that deadly weapon of a Buick!

Yeah, she's a maniac driver, and I'd shoot out her tires...but dadgumit...she's
on the Northbound side of the road!

So there you have it, my friends.  And Gold Mini van, where ever you are, if you truly have that video, I'm begging you to PLEASE send it to me!  I will make you a STAR!  (Or I'll at least post it here and you'll get a mention in the second Elsie Book.)