Laundry List Friday (Sort of) 5 things everyone should know. Everyone. No exceptions.

Good afternoon!!

Sorry, I'm running a day late.  I did an interview yesterday at SOS Aloha, (You should check it out...someone MIGHT win a free copy of Lies in Chance!)

Anyway, this week I talked to my mother...and the phrase "That's just walking around information" came up.  I realized in talking to her that I'm not alone in working closely with someone who is woefully unaware of basic information to get them through their day.  Forget college education and what they teach in schools, these are five things everyone over the age of 12 should just know.  Not sure I'm right?  Try sitting next to someone who doesn't have basic walking around knowledge and NOT yelling at them  "HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS?"

(Also, while I did not set out to write yet another column on LCW...this one sort of turned out that way.)

5)  How to locate your country, state  (or province) county and city on a globe or map.

Geography seems to be something so many people lack.  I had a friend once who said she didn't know how to get anywhere except to the places on her "little goat path."   And this isn't about world travel or knowing where a foreign county is...this is about me, pointing to Wisconsin on a globe and saying, that's Waukesha County, and I live there."  (You'd be shocked at how many people can't do that.  And then again, maybe you wouldn't be.)

4)  John, Paul, George, and Ringo

Anyone over the age of 12 and under the age of 82 should have at least a rudimentary knowledge of who the Beatles are/were.  I'll admit, I'm not a gigantic fan, but I know most of their songs  (who doesn't?  Oh, wait, people for whom this blog is written.) and I cannot miss the influence that they have, even today, in music across the world.

3)  E  Means empty.

Basic rules of car maintenance.  It should come as no surprise to you all that LCW has run out of gas and had to borrow money from co workers no less than three times  (That I know of) since I started working with her.  E means empty.  You shouldn't drive on a flat tire.  Get the oil changed every 3000 miles.  When smoke starts coming out from under the hood  STOP THE CAR!

2)  The "Tour De France" is in France.  And yes, it is a sport.

Granted, not everyone in the world is a cycling fan.  However, if you say "Tour De France" to pretty much anyone, wouldn't you think everyone would know it's in France?

You would be wrong.

I'm not going to point fingers, but I had a very depressing conversation with a French Canadian gent and LCW.  The topic of sports came up.  The gent and I spoke about hockey, football, soccer, baseball.  I then asked if he was following the Tour.  He didn't know what I meant.  I then said, "The Tour De France."  He was, again, unsure about what I meant.  LCW, trying to be helpful said, "Is that a sport thing?"  I said yes, it was cycling.  Both of them looked confused, and the gent asked  "Is it in France?"  And LCW piped up, "France, the country?"

(Yes, there is a dent in the top of my desk...why do you ask?)

1)  20% of 100 is 20.

I realize I'm not good at math.  I'm okay when it comes to adding and multiplying and dividing.  I have issues with subtraction and geometry, and don't get me started on higher math.  I barely eked through high school algebra with a lot of tutoring and prayer.  That said, I think anyone and everyone, especially those armed with a calculator, should be able to figure out 20% of any number without asking their co worker.  Hubby says I should just give LCW a different answer each time she asks.

To prove my point, I asked both my children a neighbor, a friend, another co worker, and a complete stranger if they were able to figure out 20% of any number.  While I got 6 different ways of doing it, every one of them had a way to go about it.

So my friends, these are five simple things that everyone over the age of 12 should know.  If you find someone who doesn't know this five things....make them a T-shirt that warns those around them. These are dangerous people and should be marked as such.

Now, on to other topics.  I have decided, after much encouragement, to put to publication my workplace stories.  No, they won't all be about LCW, but she will be featured.  Bossman, NBM, they will all be there. 

What I'm looking for is a title.  I'm terrible at titles.  So, feel free to make a suggestion here...or friend me on my Face Book page.

Top five suggestions will be put to a vote in next week's Laundry List blog.

Laundry List Friday: 5 hours closer to my mental breakdown.

Good morning!

So yesterday was Thursday and, after the stressful week we'd had here at Dunder Mifflin, I was sort of hoping for a quiet day sans crazy.

I sort of forgot that LCW's day off was Friday.  Not Thursday.

So today, I'm going to relate to you as best as I can, the five hours yesterday that nearly pushed me over the edge.

5)  11AM-noon

LCW arrives late and in a foul mood.  Not sure why, although with the new Girl quitting after two days, I thinking LCW realized she may have said a bit too much negative about NBM and that affected New Girl's attitude and thusly new Girl quit.  then I realize this is LCW we're talking about and therefore that sort of self realization is not within her grasp.

Not when she asks me this question...again.  "How do you figure out what 20% off a price is?"

I should explain, the biggest part of her job is to call customers who have had a quote done to see if they'd like to revisit that  quote.  She offers them 20% off their original quote, a thing that makes the sales guys insane because some of these people had quotes done as long as 5 years ago.  But what makes me crazy is that when a prospective client says, "Well, what will that cost me then?"  she has to put them on hold and ask me to figure out what 20% off is. 

I've explained the magic of my calculator versus hers.  I've explained the very complicated formula I use to figure it out.  Keep in mind, my friends, that I barely passed high school math. 

But that's not the killer.  I explained what the new price would be and she returned to the client and gave them the price.  They must have asked a detailed question...one can only guess...and then LCW said something that made me want to howl.

"I'm sorry, i don't know anything about the sales department or what they do.  You'll have to ask the salesman that when he gives you the new quote.  I have nothing to do with sales, I just set the appointments."

Her title is....INSIDE SALES REP.    But don't ask her any questions about sales.

4)  Noon-1

LCW has been complaining for a couple days that her back hurts because she has to sit so much and because she has to be on the phone.  Now, I have to question this because every day for the past two weeks I've booked as many appointments as she has...and i still find time to stretch a bit and walk about the building.  just sayin'.  But she was especially whiny today about the fact that at all of her last phone jobs she had a headset.  I said she should ask NBM for one.  She said she'd done that and that he pooh poohed her request.

So she returned to the phones.  Not, as I thought, to call a client and you know, do her job....no, instead she called her counterpart at another branch to find out if that woman had a headset.

She did.

Knowing full well that NBM has the ears of a bat, I again suggested that she ask him for a headset.  Five minutes later, he was on his way to the store to buy her a headset.

I should ask for a raise.

He returned half an hour later and set a box containing a headset on her desk.  And then he went back to his office.  "Do you need help hooking that up?" he asked.

"Oh no," she cackled.  "Sarah and I have it handled.

Really?  When did this become my project?

But, watching her unload the wires and connections, I realized that I had to step in.  I had to.  She was doing bad things with that stupid head set.  So I ask her to let me take a look.  She removes herself from her desk, goes to my desk and proceeds to...no, not really do her job...she proceeds to eat the last of the candy in my candy dish.  (If you're keeping score, that's two BIG bags of Hershey's kisses she's plowed through in 9 work days.  I initially thought having the candy dish on my desk was a nice touch for customers coming in to the office.  I had no idea I would be singlehandedly feeding my co worker.)

3)  1Pm -2PM

It took me an hour to hook up the headset.  Not because it took me that long but because LCW  is a little like a 4 year old.  She cannot keep her hands OFF things.  (And once there is no candy at my desk, there's really no point to sitting there.)  So, after an hour, and given the fact that, once again, my lunch hour will come in the last two hours of my work day, I finally am ready to have her test the headset.  We work out all the steps needed to make it work and, so you are all clear about this, here is what she is supposed to do when the phone rings.

a) take the hand receiver off the cradle and set it on the desk
b) push the headset button on her headset control device.
c) talk.

"I shouldn't have to pick up the hand receiver," says she. 

"Yes, you have to do that," says I.

"Why?"

"Because that's how it works."

AT this point NBM, tired of hearing the children's theater that is this past hour, walks out and asks if we need any help.  I tell him no, that I have it all hooked up and that it's ready to go.

"But I shouldn't have to pick up the hand receiver" says LCW.

"Yes, you are," says I.

"How do you know?"

I hold up the directions and point to the steps to answering the phone.  "Because I can read."

And then I go to lunch...for an hour.

2)  2:45-3:45

You may have noted that I didn't get an hour for lunch.  Well that's because I made the mistake of coming back from my lunch time walk a few minutes early.  That's when I see PM, another coworker, sitting at LCW's desk...testing the phone.

In the 45 minutes I was away from the desk, LCW had managed to foul all the settings on the headset receiver, and convince PM that I didn't know what I was talking about.

PM, who hadn't read the directions  (because LCW was holding them in her hand and sitting in another office) looked befuddled.  In muted tones I explained to him the steps to answering the phone with the headset.    He in turn explained it to her.

"But I shouldn't have to pick up the hand receiver.  I never had to at any of my other phone jobs."

(I've often wondered about her other jobs...she keeps saying she's had jobs before.  I have my doubts.)

At my wits' end...I take the directions from her, unfold them, and point to the step that says, "TAKE HAND RECEIVER OFF CRADLE AND SET IT ON THE DESK."

PM leaves for the day.

1)  3:45-5:15

Since my day is done at 5, I send LCW on her lunch break.  Although...what she was breaking from, I have no idea.

I'm not going to bore you with the mini drama involving her car, except to say that the oil light came on in her car...(along with all the other lights in the dash.  It happens when you start the vehicle).  She admitted she hadn't had an oil change in some time, but that she'd "poured some oil in a week ago."  NBM, on his way out the door to go home, was of no help.  I called Hubby, who said the car was safe enough, he was sure, to drive to the nearest gas station  (two blocks away) to get more oil.

Instead, she conned the guys who work in the other half of our building to give her not only a quart of oil, but 5 gallons of gas.  Then she checked in to make sure she was still  "on lunch."  (She had 15 minutes left on her hour...) 

So half an hour later...(Not only are her math skills lacking, her concept of time as it applies to her is way out of whack.)  she comes back, still chomping on a burger and griping about how she had to eat it without tasting it.  (Hey, try not getting lunch until you've been in the office 7 hours because the person you work with is a nitwit.)

No, I'm not going to bore you with all that because the number one moment that has pushed me closer to that mental breakdown I so completely deserve is this:

Yesterday was payday...which means we got paychecks...which means, say it with me class:

I had to explain her paycheck to her.  Again.

See, NBM has been having her come in an hour early to "help" me.  (Not necessary.  I get more done without having to deal with her.  I think we all know that.)  But because that hour is overtime...she makes $21 an HOUR on those ours.  (Way more than what I make, BTW)

She was CONVINCED, however, that she'd only been paid for one hour of overtime at the rate of $8.75. 

So after I explained that, I also told her the good news:  They'd taken out deductions for health care this check, and not doubled up deductions on our next check as we expected.

Except...they forgot to take out her medical deductions.

Why, I have no idea, but, as I was waiting for Hubby to pick me up, I was faced with yet another round of wailing and the mantra "I'm all alone in the world...I can't live on this."

(You're getting free oil and gas from strangers...stop whining!)

So I told her to email the woman in charge of benefits.

"Well, how am I supposed to email her?"

Oh yes, I forgot...she's unable to read and respond to emails.

So I gave her the woman's phone number.  Which she called.  At 5 Pm...and the woman works in the Eastern Time Zone.

"What time is is there?"

Why I should expect a person who doesn't get the concept of 20% to understand time zones, well, I'm the idiot.

SO I tell her to leave a message, which she does.  And then...

She calls PM AT HOME.  Why she called him can only be traced back to the day when she filled out the paperwork under his very patient eye.  HE spent 3 hours one day helping her fill out forms.  So of course, he's the one to blame for a corporate mistake that happened a time zone away.

As I was leaving, she hung up from shouting at PM, and informed me of two things.

a) her headset wasn't working at all
b) I clearly was wrong about her having to pick up the hand receiver.

Weighted down with the realization that her co-worker's idiocy
will kill her one day, Sarah gives up.

Is it any wonder then, that when Hubby offered to stop at the store and pick up some Vernor's to mix with a touch of Irish Whiskey I was more than HAPPY to say yes?

Laundry List Friday: 5 skills I'm putting on my next resume.

Good evening all!

So I've now completed my third week with the new job.  Got my first paycheck, which, I am delighted to say, did not reflect any sort of oddities given the fact that we were bought and sold a week ago.

I was going to write a list entitled "There's something about Sherri"  all about the woman I work with, but today something struck me that was far more funny...I am clearly NOT putting my best, most usable skills on my resume.  Who knew?  So, the next time I send out my resume, you can bet it's going to include the following vital, if somewhat specialized skills.

5 Skills I bring to any business.

5)  I can read and translate a paycheck.  (I can also open one without shredding it.)

Those of you who follow me on Facebook  (and if you're not, why aren't you?  I AM HILARIOUS!)  have been hearing about the woman who sits next to me...I call her LCW  (Lady CoWorker).   This poor woman, while being very sweet, is also easily befuddled and therefore unintentionally hilarious.  Yesterday, I got my very first paycheck.  (Also, my very last since the business that hired me was sold and bought and therefore I now work for yet another new company.)  I was pretty jazzed as I read through hourly pay, overtime pay, deductions, totals, all that good stuff.

Meanwhile...at the desk next to mine:

"WHAT?  This isn't right!  This. Is. Not. RIGHT!"

"What's not right?"  (Why do I get involved.)

"My deductions.  Who can live on this if this is how much they're deducting?"  (Truly a question we all ask.)

I didn't get very involved past that for about five minutes.   Then LCW stopped NBM  (this only causes more hilarity.  Read on...) 

LCW:  I need to talk to you about my paycheck.  (She waves the tatters of the check, which is one of those that's held together by perforations and you're supposed to fold along the lines and THEN tear the ends off.  She sort of forgot to fold on the lines.)

NBM:  What did you do to your paycheck?

LCW:  Nothing.  I mean, I couldn't open it, so I just tore at it.

NBM:  I hope you haven't voided it by tearing it almost in half.

LCW:  WHAT???????  You can do that????????????

(I should interject here that NBM, I believe, LOVES to needle LCW.  LOVES it.  Sort of like a 9 year old boy poking at a dead animal. For him, it's fun, it's easy, and it provides amusement in an otherwise blechy day.  I'm just guessing, given how often he does it.)

"NBM:  Yep, you can.  So what's wrong with your paycheck, other than the fact that it's torn?

LCW:  It's not right.

The phone rings, and NBM is out of the conversation.  I don't like watching the wounded, so I roll my chair over to her desk. 

"What is the problem?"

LCW:  It's not right.  They took $1200 in taxes out of my check.

(Let me just say, if they took $1200 out of one paycheck, I'm thinking I'm being WAY underpaid!)

"Let me just look at it."  I look at it and realize instantly what the issue is.  "The $1200 is your gross pay to date.  The amount of taxes taken out is right here."  I point to the column. 

LCW: It's too much taken out. How am I supposed to live on this if they're going to take that much out in taxes?

"I ask myself that all the time.  But see, these are the hours you worked. This is your hourly wage.  You multiply this by this and you get this number here."

LCW:  I don't know. I don't think you're right.

(I guess I should have known I was in trouble.  She asked me the other day to figure out, with the calculator on my desk, what 20% of 1000 was.  Hers kept tellling her 200, but she just knew that wasn't right.)

"It's right.  The total on your check is the total after they take out taxes.  That's the amount of money you have."

She was quiet then...but that didn't end the issue.  later in the day she called the home office....in Montreal...and got very upset when they were closed. 

4)  I can type without the rubber fingers for protection.

In the move, many of the office supplies got jumbled.   LCW was sorting through a box of things yesterday and handed me one of those rubber fingers covers, the type you use to avoid paper cuts when you have to thumb through a lot of paper.  I asked her what it was for...she said, "You'll need that since you do so much typing."

3)  I am able to hold a conversation with someone and put stamps on outgoing mail at the same time.

NBM does not think so...as evidenced by his shout from his office today that all the sales guys "GET AWAY FROM SARAH'S DESK."  I asked if we should just erect barbed wire around my area, since this wasn't the first time he's thwarted my attempts to get to know my co workers.     He said it might be a good idea...except he wasn't sure of something, which brings me to #2.

2)  I know what the word THWARTED means.

Say it with me, my friends, "How do these people not fall down more?"  We are #1 in the company, led by man who does not know what the word "thwarted" means when used in a sentence.

Once again, Sarah's work environment has thwarted her desire to stay employed.

And finally....

1)  I know how to change a roll of toilet paper.

I thought this was something only my children refused to learn...but now I realize that it is a necessary skill in the workplace because CLEARLY no one else who uses the ladies' room...(and yes, many of the guys use the ladies' room...unless LCW has decided to leave the seat up.)  is able to do it.

So there it is my friends...the top five things I'm going to put on my resume based on the skill set I have that's so clearly lacking at my current workplace.

And we are number one in the company.

God help us all.

Laundry List Friday (On Saturday) 5 reasons I didn't write this yesterday.

Good evening!

Well my friends, I do apologize for being a day late.  I guess, now that I'm thinking about it, I sort of planned to be late with this list, mostly because the new job I have doesn't exactly allow me to...you know...play on the Internet all that much.  So, I actually came up with this on my way to Madison last night, where I had my monthly meeting of Mad City Romance.  Normally, I attend with my friend and critique partner, Marie, but Marie had a very bad treadmill accident...the kind I really would like to have her write about because, as injured as she is...the story is really funny!

However, on my way to her house, I realized that I had a lovely reason for not writing a laundry list...you know, beyond the usual excuses I offer.  So, without further ado, here's this week's list:

Five reasons I didn't write my Laundry List yesterday:

5)  I didn't really have a topic.

Face it, No one who is funny is funny on cue, and I sometimes struggle with lists of five.  So, giving myself an extra day not only gave me a topic, it gave me a starting point.

4)  I spent Thursday cleaning up my home office.

STAY OUT OF SARAH'S OFFICE!

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

Short of actually parking Dementors in front of my office door, I haven't yet found a way to keep the family from dumping their assorted piles of crap on my desk.  One could argue that technically it's not just my office, that it's the family computer and that I am being selfish.  One would then have to wonder why there's so much Rick Springfield stuff in the "family office."  ( we all know that if I had a patronis,   this  shot of Rick would be it!)  So I had to spend part of what little writing time I do have in a day actually slogging through piles of paper and receipts and that sort of thing, just to unbury the keyboard.

3)  I'm still trying to download my son's senior pictures.

I'm not a complete idiot, but I am finding that I can't open the files Skippy's friend...we'll call her Amy...sent me containing the pictures she took for him senior yearbook.  I am trying very hard to not have to ask her again to simplify things for me....like maybe just print them out and mail them to me.  Then I will have reached the level of my mother, who call me the other night, weeping because she couldn't find my newest novel on Smashwords.  Frankly, I'd like to think I'm a little better than that...but we all know that's not the case!

2)  I've just stumbled upon the most blog worthy person on the planet, but I'm not sure how to mention him/her here without insulting him/her so I've been spending a lot of time just taking notes.

A blogging gem like my new friend comes along once in a lifetime.  If I told you the stories, you would howl, but I really don't want to insult this person because, well, I want to keep this person around and on my good side!  Stay tuned!

1)  I got fired yesterday...and rehired.

It's not just a show...it's my life.

At a mandatory meeting yesterday we were all informed that we'd been bought out and subsequently terminated from our "old" company.  Which means my first check from this circus of a zoo of a job will be my last, but it also means I've been hired by a new circus.  And, in the continuing proof that I've suddenly stumbled into Dunder Mifflin world, the sales guys told me that this branch was bought because it's the most profitable branch in the company and NBM, as completely socially inept as he seems, is blessed to be running the best branch ever, and will therefore never be fired....

More disturbing to me is that since I was forced to come in an hour early and was not allowed to leave an hour early, I should get an hour of over time...except that this extra hour was on the NEW company's time and therefore NOT overtime.

Which brings me to the question...since I've really only worked for this company for TWO DAYS do I really have to give two weeks' notice if I want to bail?  This might be that window we're always told God opens.  Maybe I should think about not showing up on Monday...oh, but I can't miss the complete fall out when my new blogging inspiration gets the news.  (And why didn't he/she have to attend the mandatory meeting?  Hmmmmmmm?  I have my guesses on that one.)

There you have it my friends.  It's not a good list of excuses, but it's mine and I'm standing by it!

Laundry list Friday: the 5 things in a woman's "survival" kit

Good morning!

So my first week at the new job is in the books.  I got a promotion, a raise, a new office, a whole bucket of interesting office politics, the front seat to what might be a great office war next week, and the knowledge that once the woman I'm replacing leaves, I'll be the only one in the building with the skills to perform certain tasks, all of which are tied to everyone's income.

SCORE FOR ME!

However, that's not why I'm here today.  Today I want to talk about five things that every woman has.  Maybe she's not even aware of it...the men around her a most definitely not, so this might be instructional for them.  So men, read on!

5 things every woman has, let's call it the "Survival" kit.

5)  Candy/painkillers

Every woman...young, old, rich, poor, does not matter.  Race, religion, orientation, it does not matter.  Every female in the world has ready access to candy, generally chocolate, and painkillers of some kind.

I keep a ready stash of no less than two kinds of Tylenol/Advil sort of knock offs, and I generally have a bottle of Midol...because you never, ever know when someone is going to need that specialized pill. 

As for candy, when my brother presented his new born daughter to me, I held her and said, "I am your aunt Sarah.  I will always have candy in my purse."  And I do.  I, like many women, carry it not so much for my benefit, but for those around me.  You never know when a chocolate craving, bad breath, or a long church sermon are going to strike, so it's good to have something on hand.

The secret, of course, is to NOT get the candy mixed up with the painkillers.  That's why purses have separate pockets.

4)  The ability to carry everyone's crap because we have a purse.

When we were first dating, my husband was perfectly capable of carrying his own crap.  When we got engaged, he started asking me to put his sunglasses in my purse.  When the kids were little, I had the diaper bag.  Once a woman has carried a diaper bag, there's no going back to a tiny purse.  There just isn't.  We were at a really fancy party once...once...and I bought a purse just large enough for my phone, some cash, and my "emergency pad" (see #3)  and hubby hands me his wallet and asks me to carry it.  I don't know why men are unable to handle carrying a wallet.  Seriously, you talk about having everything you need in that wallet...you mock us for dragging a suitcase everywhere.  And yet, ladies, show of hands...how often has your man asked you to carry his wallet in your purse?

Yes, we are all Marry Poppins.

Yes, I'll be right along...just as soon as Mr. Banks collects his wallet, sunglasses, calendar, laptop, cellphone, and lunch from my bag.

Gents, do you know why we will always drag a purse?  It's not for our stuff...IT'S FOR YOUR STUFF!

3)  "Emergency Pads"

While this is self explanatory, to the women, I have to give a basic biology lesson to the men:  Women only really need feminine stuff 5-6 days a month.  However, we typically carry a small stash with us for two reasons

a) the female cycle is a delicate thing and the slightest stress can throw it out of whack, and either speed up the cycle or slow it, making predicting the arrival of the blessed punctuation somewhat an inexact science.

b) of the 6 billion people in the world more than half are women, and more than half of those are women of the punctuation years.  And of those, I've been in the bathroom stall next to at least 5% over the years who have begged me, a complete stranger, for a pad.  The only question I ever have is "Over or under the stall wall dear?  Where shall I toss it?"

When Peaches was 10, thanks to our friends on the TV who ALWAYS must advertise during children's programming, I made sure Peaches had her own emergency stash.  On the first day of 5th grade, one of her friends needed that stash.  While Peaches wouldn't need it for a couple months, she was quite pleased to be able to help.

2)  That thing we can't part with...no matter how...gross.

I have the same comb I've used since I was in 7th grade.  It's big.  It's yellow.  I used to carry it in my back pocket.  I've lost it four times, once it actually was thrown away, picked out of the trash, and put in a lost and found at an office building where I was the cleaner.  It's more than 30 years old, and it's the only comb I will use.

My mother does laundry in the same denim shorts she's worn since high school.

My grandmother wouldn't part with a favorite bra, even when it meant holding it together with safety pins.

We all have that one thing, be it something small, like a comb, or something larger, like a favorite coat or a coffee mug, that no matter how old or out of date it is, we keep it, and we use it all the time.

While this is not necessarily just a female thing to keep that one thing, I think it's very female to keep it in our daily lives year after year.  We draw strength from the stability of that one small thing.

1)  Period pants.

I realize I reference the monthly cycle a lot.  But honestly, this is about women, and the one thing that is so genuinely, completely female is the punctuation.

And to that end, every single woman on this planet has a pair of period pants.  How do I know?  Because all of us have had that "leakage moment" and all of us had had to tie a jacket around our waist at one point or another and we swore, and we hid in the locker room and tried to shut out the taunts and jeers from the evil trolls who pointed and laughed, that we would NEVER EVER wear white pants again.

Now, some of us still have white...or light pants...in their arsenal of clothing.  But every single one of us has that pair of pants that is almost always black, is soft, very comfy, perhaps loose even.  Lots of pockets to discreetly stash emergency pads so that a quick trip to the ladies room isn't even more obvious because we have to drag along a back pack or a purse.

Is she or isn't she?  Maybe, be very nice to her...just in case.  She might give you candy...or a Midol.

Sort of makes you think:  Maybe it's not so much a fashion thing that all women seem to wear these days is black pants.

Laundry List Friday: Five things I will and won't miss about working nights

Good afternoon!

As many of you know, my run as a third shifter is quickly coming to an end.  To honor this past month, I wanted to give you the five things I will (and won't) miss about working during the witching hour and beyond.

5)  Time to make the donuts.

Who says you can't make use of an art degree these days?

There's something satisfying about filling an entire bakery case with donuts you've thawed and frosted all on your own.  Hundreds of donuts...all lovingly hand decorated by you.

Then again...hundreds of donuts, not a won you're allowed to eat, and let's not forget...I fail at getting the sprinkles actually ON the donuts.  I get more on the floor.  This should not befuddle me.  I have little or no artistic talent, and my aim, for those of you who haven't seen me play basketball, isn't good.

4)  Scent of a woman.

Night time brings on different scents.  People coming home from work smell like the work they do.  I've met a lot of delicious smelling restaurant workers over the past month.  Is it weird to sniff someone as you're taking their money for their coffee, donuts, and gas?

Then again...in spite of the fact that I'm endlessly washing dishes and washing my hands I will NOT miss coming home and smelling like I've spent all night shoveling coal in the engines of the Titanic.   


3)  Feed the world.

I'm a nurturer.  Ask my kids' friends...I have fed half of Waukesha's children at least once in the past 18 years.  I love making food...albeit quick food that doesn't take any actual culinary talent to make...for people.

Andrew Zimmern never braved this weird food!

Then again...when I'm making burgers and burritos at 3 AM for stoners who simply WILL NOT GO HOME, I get a little irritated.  Yes, I hate throwing food away, but seriously...must you buy all six of the pizza slices I made before I even get them set in the hot spot?  Can't I get a bit of  a break?  SERIOUSLY?  WHO IS BUYING BURGERS FROM A GAS STATION AT 4 in the MORNING?

2)  Regulars.

I love coming across the odd person.  The quirky, the unusual, the unglamorous all fascinate me, and this job was full of that.  (Oh, and I am almost fluent in "Cigarette" now.   Yay me!)

Let's just say, this job was TOO full of quirky.  To quote Jack Nicholson from "As Good as it Gets" ...one of my favorite movie quotes:  Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here. (And you'll most likely find it in aisle three next to the newspapers and motor oil.)

1)  Co-workers.

I really liked the people I shared the night with.  I didn't have much in common with them, other than the need to make some money, but I liked those two...let's call them Matt and Gina.  You couldn't find two more different people, yet they got along great and accepted me into their little, odd, family.

And oddly enough, I have nothing negative to say about anyone else. 

So, after Sunday night I have a few days to recuperate, get a cortisone shot in my hands, and get back on a normal schedule.  Then, my new career begins.

I'm hoping it lasts longer than 30 days.

Laundry List Friday: 5 Reasons I envy my cats

Good morning!

I gotta be honest, this working 3rd shift is really cutting into my humor time.  And I would be writing something HILARIOUS about my current gainful employment...but other than very nearly shutting down the entire store without meaning to, there isn't much that's funny...yet. 

Meanwhile, Hubby continues to THINK he's not bloggable.  But last night we took a step in refinancing the house and he let down his guard.  More on that another day!

Today, however, is a Laundry List Friday and it's all about my kittens.  I have three.  I didn't want any.  I thought I wanted a dog.  And now I have three kittens who are growing up quickly, and I realize I envy them a lot!

Top:  Belle (Bellatrix LeStrange) the youngest.  Right, Jasper, the oldest.  Left, TacOcaT, the oddest, but we love him!

5) It doesn't matter what I call you, you simply do not take offense.  Nor do you care.  So it's good.

Peaches is constantly yelling at me for calling the cats by my own special nicknames.  Belle, I address as "Stupid."  Jasper is "Buddy."  TacOcaT is "Dog."  (Seriously, if you saw these cats in action, you'd understand.  Belle runs into walls...a lot.  And Taco is the blind one.   TacOcaT, named by Skippy because he had to be odd, is really an awesome cat, but he's more dog than anything.  He always meets us at the door.  He licks our hands endlessly.  He's most vocal, begs for food all the time, and I think I can teach him to fetch.)

Cats don't come when they're called by name, but if I need a cat convention, I simply pick up the laser pointer and click it a couple times.  All three are right there.

4)  They simply do not have any hang ups.

I stress every day about various things, especially those involving bodily functions.  Believe it or not in my real life I'm very shy about things like using the bathrooms in public.  My friend Marie will tell you I will "hold it" all day rather than use a porta potty.  Cats, however, could not care less about privacy, or smell.  Where I'm turning on fans and running water to cover certain noises, and then lighting candles and what not to cover smells, my cats could not care one whit about any of that!

3)  They don't wonder where their next meal is coming from.  They know.  Oh, and they aren't big on things like variety or flavor.

We keep the cat food in a cabinet in the kitchen.  And each cat, Taco, generally, will park it next to that cabinet when the food dish seems a touch low.  Doesn't matter that we feed them the same brown crunchy stuff every day.  They don't care as long as the food dish is full.  (Which gives me an idea for a list "5 reasons Cats are easier to deal with than Teens.")

2)  If it's 1 AM an you can't sleep they WILL cuddle with you.  It's not like they have work or school in the morning.

My three cats are not what you'd call cuddly.  Belle's other nickname is "feral," because she tends to run rather than get a pet from a human.  Even Taco, the most cuddly of the three because he is, after all, mostly a dog, picks and chooses his cuddle times.  But late at night, if you are sitting on the couch, trying to sort things out, one or all of them will sit on you.  Sort of like those death cats you read about, but nicer.  Jasper is especially great for that.  He waits outside my bedroom door every night because, if I'm home, we all know I'm wandering around at 1 AM.

1)  Eat when you want to, sleep when you're tired, someone else cleans up after you, and no one expects you to do anything ever.

Seriously...how do I get this gig?  They are living the perfect life, and I so completely envy them!  Granted, this sort of describe what I imagine life in the old folks' home is going to be like...only they're young!

Now, just for fun, I had to share this little snap with you all!



Skippy and Peaches...about 11 years ago.  I miss those days!



Finally friends...don't forget...I have a NEW BOOK available!  Kindle owners, click here.

Nook owners click here.

Sony ereader owners, and those of you who do not own a reader, but do own a computer, click here.

It's the story that's been with me for nearly 30 years.  Enjoy!