The difference between a Meijer employee and a heart attack? Not much.

Good afternoon everyone and Happy Holidays!

When I was little I lived in Michigan, home to a wonderful store called Meijer's Thrifty Acres.  I loved going to that store back in the pre-Walmart-big-box-everything-all-the-time days of shopping.  My parents would take us there to wander acres and acres (So it seemed to me in my seven year old brain) of food, clothing, and house goods.  That store was so wonderful, they even had a play area in the very center of the store where kids could romp while their parents shopped. Of course, my parents never actually let us play in there, but you know, it was nice to walk by and see other kids having fun.

Flash forward more than 40 years and Meijer is spreading out all over, even to the wilderness of Wisconsin!  

I'll admit, as much as I love Woodman's for my groceries, Meijer is way less cramped, it's cleaner, the produce is better, and, while the selection isn't as broad or as funky, I do know if I go there and remember that I need socks or motor oil, I'm going to find it.  

(Unfortunately, there's no play area.)

Anyway around here it's almost Christmas which means the stores have ramped up the volume to way beyond 11.  I, of course, have done about 80% of my holiday shopping online, much like everyone else, but there are some things you just can't buy online.  Like hard liquor.

So a couple Saturdays ago, Hubby and I went to our local Meijer to pick up the week's groceries and a couple really cute candy canes stuffed with tiny bottles of vodka.  (Normally they have candy in them...but this was vodka and it was cute and I was getting it for the adult kids, and DON'T JUDGE ME!)

Our first stop, once inside the magical place that is Meijer, was the meat department.  All I wanted was a small pack of skinless, boneless, chicken thighs.  They sell skinless, boneless breasts all day long, in all sizes of packages and all cuts of chicken breast.  (Tenders?  Whole breast?  Loin?  Nuggets?  Stir fry?)  BUT, what about those of us who don't LIKE white meat? 

Nope, no, you must buy the family pack of chicken thighs. Find room in your freezer for 20 pounds because that's the smallest package you're getting!

I gave up the search, remembering that I probably had some thighs buried in my freezer from the last time I bought them.  Hubby, on the other hand, either didn't realize I had given up or he was so focused on winning the prize for me he didn't notice me wander off to look at bakery items.  (Sooooo yummy...)

Anyway, as I walked away I noticed a short, slight fellow in a white lab coat walking up to hubby. Well, "Up to" isn't quite the right word, since Hubby was face first in a meat cooler and this guy was walking up on Hubby's blind side.

The next thing I heard was Hubby's startled exclamation as Lab Coat Guy turned out to actually be Meat Department Guy, and, while attempting to be helpful, he basically scared Hubby out a year of his life.

That's sort of funny.  No, wait, it's hilarious!  See, normally I'm the one who startles at stuff.  It took me a while to get used to having Peaches back in the house and she's so quiet compared to the guys, that every time she came up the steps or around a corner she startled me.  It's become a joke...in fact, NOW she tries to find ways to scare me in my own house. And the guys laugh and laugh.

So yeah, I laughed a little at the fact that little Lab Coat Meat Guy startled Hubby.

But as as you know, if this is where the story ended, there would not be a blog.

Nope, the last thing on my list was the vodka candy cane.    Now the liquor department at Meijer is a little different. It's not a separate store, like many grocery places have.  It's a separate section, but no doors that close.  You walk through an arch and you're in. The rule is, you can pay for wine and beer anywhere in the store, but spirits must be payed for between the arches of the liquor department.

So I head over the the arch and I'm around two steps from entering the magical kingdom of booze when a short, elfish looking dude jumps out of nowhere and yells "CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?"

I'm not exaggerating here.  Hubby was three rows away in another department and he heard the guy yelling and knew he was yelling at me and knew I was FREAKING OUT.

Here's what's really funny.  As I was regaining my wits I noted that in order to leap around a corner as he did, Liquor ELF  had to have pushed a man in a motorized scooter OUT OF THE WAY.  

That's right.  In order to give me a heart attack, Liquor ELF had to displace a disabled shopped.

AND THEN, Liquor ELF followed me up and down the rows of bottles as if I were going to stick something in my purse and run away.  I stopped at the rack of vodka candy canes...and that's when he yelled again (and scared me...again)

"YOU NEED TO PAY FOR THOSE HERE!"

I don't like being stalked when I'm shopping. I don't like being shouted at. I don't like being told the rules that I already know when I haven't even done anything but touch something on a rack.

Oh, and I really don't like going into heart failure twice in five minutes.

So no, I did NOT buy the vodka candy canes. Sorry kids.