Five for Friday! (On Wednesday) NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION TIME!

 

Well here we are:  the week between Christmas and New Year's.  A lot of people's work and school schedules are messed up, there's American football on TV pretty much every day, and we're all a little confused as to what day it is.

It's also that time of year when we all sit down and take stock of our lives and make resolutions to quit smoking, lose weight, eat better, blah blah blah.

2022 Was quite the year of upheaval here at the house, and much of 2023 is going to be spent dealing with the fallout. Things do look brighter, which is positive, but it's going to be a lot of work. Keeping that in mind, I've cobbled together my New Year's Resolutions for 2023.  (someone's going to have to remind me to give myself a report card next year!)

5) Stop using my Visa after February 1, 2023.

Part of the big upheaval is that I lost my fairly lucrative work at home job back in May.  Spending three months on Unemployment did not come close to covering the bills. Which meant we had to dip into the credit cards and the kitchen fund in a major way. Then I got a job, a full time job, that still wasn't making as much as my previous job, and oh yeah, I hated it. I felt caged. Then I found an awesome job.  Perfect in every way. Well, except it's currently super part time.  It'll be full time sometime after February 1, but this meant that much of Christmas went on my credit. A little frustrating, since we were in a really good place credit card wise back in May.  So, in 2023,I'm not going to promise I'm going to get my card paid off, but I'm resolved not to use it.

4) Time at the computer means working or writing. Not shopping.

Yeah, this is going to go a long way to helping the credit card situation.  As you know I'm an office girl by day and an author in my off time. (Thanks to my great new job, I'm an author by day as well.)  The biggest temptation when one is facing a computer screen is to, instead of working or writing, shop.  This was especially true in the last several months because, you know, Christmas.  So now, for 2023, the online shopping is, well, not done forever, let's be real, but it'll be cut down significantly.

3) Get back on the program!

This is not a weight loss thing, although it might sound like it. As many of you know, Hubby and I did Noom for about 18 months starting back in 2020.  I lost 37 pounds. For the last year I've been stalled and I've allowed 6 of those pound back on me.  I blame the job upheaval, but it's a lot of stuff that's gone on, I've gotten off the program, and returned to some of my bad old habits. So, for 2023, it's not about losing weight, it's about going back to what I learned a year ago, and being smarter about the food I put in my pie hole.

2) Take a class.

I've talked about a number of things I've wanted to do over the years, but I haven't mostly because it involves going back to school.  And who wants to go back to school, and having that cut into my TV time?  I live ten minutes from one of the best technical colleges in the country.  I don't know what class I'm going to take, but I'm taking something.  Watch out!

1) Replace guilt with self-care.

Friends, I'm old, I'm fragile, and I'm wracked with guilt about so many things I can't even count them.  This is the year I try and let go of some of that guilt and just...be better.  Be less fearful. Be more loving.  You get the picture. Oh, and also, maybe fall down less.  Because falling down is not good for someone of my advanced years.

So there we are: My resolutions for the near year.  Will I keep them?  Will I remember them past the end of today?  Let's plow through 2023 and find out!  In the meantime:

5 for Friday (on Monday): the only cleaning that matter for Holiday gatherings.

 

Good morning and Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

So, Hanukkah has begun and Christmas Eve is this coming Saturday.  And, even if you don't celebrate one of these two holidays, chances are better than even you're having some kind of late December celebration that involves extended family coming over for food and judgement.

Well, kids, listen to your good friend, Sarah, because I'm going to give you five tips to make you holiday prep much easier!  Hit these five points and your holiday will be fine.  (Hint:  No one cares about dusty floorboards or spots on the floor.)

Cleaning for the holidays is so overblown. I used to get myself in complete knots over making sure every nook, cranny, and corner was spotless.  Now, I'm older, wiser, and I have boiled down housekeeping prep to a list of 5 things you MUST do and the rest can be ignored.  Oh, and better yet, all five of these points are located in one room.  That's right. I'm not going to tell you to clean your oven or your microwave or even vacuum your carpets.  None of that matters.  (My sister-in-law once told me to clean my microwave during a Thanksgiving dinner because she was convinced my mother-in-law would think I was a slob. I cleaned the microwave, but other than sis in law, no one else looked in my microwave during that dinner. Also, at that point in my marriage, my mom-in-law thought I was a slob anyway. LOL)

I'm still a slob.  I live with two guys and four cats and honestly, 90% of the time I don't want outsiders in the house.  Those that show up are either people who are there all the time, like Skippy's girlfriend, Gigi, or like my mom, show sometimes shows up unexpectedly to  use my bathroom.  Well, you get what you get.  It's not always pretty.

But the holidays are a time for people from far flung regions (and branches of the family tree) to show up at the house and one must make an effort.  

Thusly and therefore, I give you my five points for holiday prep. Do these five things and nothing else matters.  

5)  Clean the toilet, sink, and mirrors. (Duh)

The toilet is the number 1, number 1 thing that has to be cleaned.  Scrub it, let bleach sit in it to white out the stains, and then drop in one of those blue blocks that makes the water blue. (Makes it smell nice and further hides any stains you might have on an older toilet, plus it looks like you made an effort.) Make sure there's no hair on the seat lid or on the floor around the toilet. 

While cleaning the bathroom sinks and mirrors might seem pointless, much the way cleaning the entry floor is because after the first person uses it it's no longer clean, at least run over the sinks and mirrors with some glass cleaner.  Takes forty seconds.

You don't need to do the shower or tub unless you're having overnight guests. Just pull the shower curtain/shower door closed. Anyone who snoops behind there to see if it's dirty should be ashamed.  If you do have overnight guests, here's a quick tip:  fill the tub 1/2 full with water. Pour half a gallon on bleach in there. Let sit for a couple hours.  Clean tub. For shower walls spray down with foaming spray and let that roll down the walls before you rinse.  Clean walls.  Spray bleach spray on any grout or calk that looks dingy, then rinse.  Done.

That should take you all of 15 minutes per bathroom, not counting sit time for the bleach tub.

4) Bathroom floors

Unlike the entry floors and the kitchen floor, you can't completely skip the bathroom floors.  But, you also don't have to go nuts cleaning. If you must mop, I can't stop you, but I've found that a million bathroom floor problems can be covered by a bathroom rug.  While you're cleaning the toilet, run a bleach wipe on the floor immediately around the toilet. Otherwise, a freshly washed or brand new bathroom rug or two will take care of the floor.  DO NOT use a fuzzy cover on the toilet.  While a fluffy rug is inviting, a fluffy toilet seat is asking for trouble.

3) Declutter

Normally, I'm all about covering housekeeping shortcomings with twinkle lights and shiny things.  But NOT in the bathroom.  Fancy soaps, kitschy things, and family pictures need to be GONE.  (Wall hangings are fine.)  In the bathroom, an empty surface is a clean surface.  DO NOT COVER THE TOIULET SEAT WITH ANYTHING FLUFFY.  Clear out the baskets you might use for hair tools, makeup, all of it. Box it all up and put it in a closet.  You want a spare decluttered room. Clear off the shelves, clean out the drawers.

2) Make the bathroom user friendly.

Now that you've decluttered, it's time to prep the bathroom for guests.  This is why you've cleared off the shelves and cleaned out the drawers.  

First:  A PLUNGER must be near the toilet, in plain view. Do not hide the plunger.  Do not put the plunger in a closet.  Put it next to the toilet.  Trust me on this one.

Second: extra hand towels go on the shelf.  A wet hand towel is gross.  Set out a folded stack of hand towels so no one has to use wet ones.  Also, set a basket someplace and mark it "wet towels."

Third: Bleach wipes on the shelf.  You don't know what kind of toilet emergency your guests might have and they want to keep it that way.  Have a large container of bleach wipes out in the open.

Fourth: Feminine Punctuation protection in a drawer.  I don't care if your party is nothing but guys and elderly women. Have a package of pads and tampons in the drawer closest to the toilet.  These things don't spoil, but your party will if some woman has an unexpected punctuation and has to go asking people for help.

Fifth: TWO extra rolls of TP ON A SHELF.  Much like the bleach spray and the plunger, you don't want people unable to find extra TP when they need it.  Yes, you have adorable TP covers or a lovely basket or a discrete shelf.  Screw that.  Put the TP on the shelf by the bleach wipes and the extra towels.

1) If it smells clean it IS clean.

I worked for a cleaning company for 12 years, so I know what I'm talking about.  Keep the bathroom smelling clean.  Have a small, clean scented candle (not floral or baking, something fresh like clean linen or spring air or something like that) burning throughout the length of the party.  Also have a full can of air freshener out in a obvious place.  You may want to check periodically and spray the room just as a precaution.  

Oh, one other thing to ponder:  Sound proofing.  Smells and messes aren't the only thing people want to hide in the bathroom.  Bathroom sounds need to be muffled as best as possible.  A vent fan is a good start, but for the holidays, especially if you have a bathroom close to the kitchen or other room where everyone will be, you may want more sound buffering.

I recommend putting a radio or MP 3 player or something other music thing and have holiday tunes playing for the whole party.  Believe me, this will ease a lot of embarrassment!

There you go.  The rest of your house won't matter if you take care of the bathroom. Also, make sure you have, you know, food and drink.  But a successful holiday party is NOT going to hinge on how clean your microwave is.  People will remember feeling comfortable in your house, especially in your bathroom.

5 for Friday: I was going to write something nice...but then I went to the grocery store.

 

Happy Holidays and welcome to December 15.  That's right. You have 9 legitimate shopping days (and one day to pick up stuff at Kwik Trip) for Christmas.  If you're ordering from anywhere other than Amazon, don't bother, it won't get here in time.  Wrap a picture of it and put that under the tree. If you're ordering from Amazon, you MIGHT get it in time...but you should probably pay for the super-premium shipping just to be safe.

Your best hope at this point is to shop old school. Get in your car and drive someplace. (If you haven't seen the latest "5 Below" ad for their store, that's what I imagine people doing right now.)  

Me?  Oh, I started shopping in June. I have a chart that I keep for exactly what got everyone last year, what I got them this year. I make sure people have the same number of gifts under the tree, befitting their relationship to me.  Skippy and Peaches have the same number as Hubby.  Children's partners have the same number as each other. Nieces and nephews have the same number of gifts as each other.  I even have a box of "just in case" gifts wrapped and ready to go in case someone I'm not aware of shows up on my doorstep Christmas morning.

Don't be jealous.  I haven't baked a thing. I've got premade cookie dough out on the counter waiting for me to do something, anything with it. I doubt I'll do anything.  I've already informed Hubby there will be no homemade Kringle this year.  Also, I'm thinking Christmas Eve dinner is going to be Pizza.  Frozen Pizza. Christmas cards are probably going to be Epiphany Cards, which we'll then push to Easter and then decide nothing's really gone on that much that people need a card from us. 

So yeah.  I'm still the same old mess you all know and love.

Now today I was going to write a nice 5 for Friday about 5 holiday songs you don't have on your holiday playlist, but you should.  It was going to be a very nice little blog that was going to put you all in the right mood to get you to Christmas morning.

And then I went to the grocery store.  My dad is sick so I offered to pick up a few things for my mom, so they won't have to go out in the snowy slushy mess that's happening in our weather right now.

And now we have a different 5 for Friday.  It's FIVE THINGS THAT PISSED ME OFF AT THE GROCERY STORE THIS MORNING!

Ready?

5)  DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE JOBS OR SCHOOL?

Seriously. 9:30 on a Friday morning. Even allowing for the senior citizens (isn't Wednesday supposed to be the day we let the oldsters out to shop?  What are they doing blocking my way on a Friday?) and the shopper people shopping for people who don't want to shop, there were a TON of job aged people dragging school aged children.

Yes, when my kids were small I took them and the kids I babysat to the store. Sure I did.  It was an outing.  I taught the kids how to make a shopping list, how to navigate the aisles in a store, and when to use a coupon and when it doesn't pay.  (Not that any of those kids remember those lessons, but whatever.) That said, NOW if I'm in the supermarket on a weekday morning it's because 1) I'm in the middle of a cooking/baking project and realized I need one weird ingredient and I need it NOW or 2) I'm picking up a few things and I have a busy day so I need to MOVE.

And yet, I'm trapped behind a family of FIVE kids and every single one of them is shouting about some sugary snack or whatever and the parents, who clearly would rather be at their jobs, are ignoring the children and arguing with each other about which can of yams is a better value.  (Here's a hint: NO ONE IS GOING TO LIKE THE CANNED YAMS. Stop buying them. The stores will stop trying to sell them and then they can use that shelf space for something better, like cookies.)

4) Could we PLEASE go back to stocking at night?

Oh, my lord.  I know that Covid changed the landscape of retail grocery stores forever.  I realize we'll probably never have our pick of 24-hour supermarkets to shop at ever again.  But...for the love of all that's holy, could we PLEASE at least have the stockers go back to working when the store is closed?

When stores were opened 24 hours a day, I was okay with having to weave around flatbeds of boxed goods at 11 at night.  There weren't a lot of other shoppers to contend with, so it was okay.  But now, now I'm fighting traffic with shoppers AND stockers. It's like the opening five minutes of "Office Space" where the office employees are stuck in traffic.  

Oh, and here's a rule:  If it's something I need...either a giant pile of boxes will be in front of it, or a couple grannies in those motorized carts will be double parked in front of it.  

3)  If I hear that joke one more time...

We've all been there:  We're rolling down the big aisle of the grocery store and some jackwagon pops out from a crossing aisle and you very nearly crash and one of you says, "Oh they should put traffic lights up here." Ha ha.

To quote a wise saying from my youth, "Gag me with a spoon."

Repeating that stupid joke does not clear you of stupid cart driving.  If you're crossing the main aisle, slow the bleep down and look!  Don't just shove your 300-pound cart (with your fourth grader riding on the rack underneath, even though the signs on the cart say, "Don't put a child in the bottom rack.") out into traffic and then act all shocked when someone nearly sideswipes you. Hey, if your fourth grader loses his fingers in an accident like that, you're probably not going to find the joke funny. Or maybe you're a terrible parent (which one could surmise, given you're letting the kid ride under the cart) and you still think the joke is funny.  

My point is, WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING.  And if you're a slower shopper, MOVE OVER for those of us who have an organized list and know what we're doing. 

Also, if you're comparison shopping, and that's fine, how about if you DON'T angle park your cart so it takes up the entire aisle.  I'm not in the store to make chitchat.  Asking you to please move so I can get by might just use up every spoon I have and then I won't have the energy to make dinner for my family and they'll wind up ordering pizza which will raise their blood pressure and blood sugars and make them fat.  DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR CONSCIENCE?  NO?  Then move your cart OVER if you're slow shopping.

2)  I bet you train your employees, right?  Then why do you assume we all know how to do this?

Self-checking.  I've been against it from the start.  First of all, stores spend time training their employees on how to be cashiers. I remember. I worked for Aldi for a brief time. The training was intense. So I make a point to use those highly trained employees whenever I can.

But somedays the line for a cashier at Woodman's is ten deep.  Sure, they have like fifteen cash registers, but only two lines are open.  The other fifteen checkout stands are self-check.  Sometimes I don't have the time or patience for it, or I've made the mistake of wearing my coat into the store and now I'm melting because the store's thermostat is set to "SUN" and I'm already a warm person (thank you, Menopause).  So I wind up in self-check.

Like I said, I've worked as a grocery cashier, but not everyone has.  Case in point, the two women in front of me at Woodman's today.

Woman 1:  A TON of stuff in her cart and she was picking things out in a particular order.

Woman 2:  Less stuff in her cart, but she couldn't find a UPC code to save her life.

I got behind woman 2.  And I struck up a conversation with the guy who got behind woman 1.  

Woman 1 got her groceries scanned first.  Annoying.  Woman 2 had to flag down the ONE cashier in charge of the SEA OF CHECKOUTS because she got herself a big old bag of rotten bananas for 99 cents, but there was no UPC code on the bag. (I know this because believe you me, she checked every side of the bag and half the bananas in it.) I don't know what she thought she was doing, but apparently WAVING HER CREDIT CARD in the air without saying anything out loud was the move she hoped would attract the cashier's attention.

Did it?

Would I be blogging if it had?

She finally murmured something like, "Excuse me?"

I was melting, I was annoyed, and I was watching my new bestie scan his cart and leave the store and I hadn't' moved an inch.  So, I yelled, "EXCUSE ME!" in my best teacher voice the same time little Miss Timid murmured.  She looked shocked. Not because I was yelling, but because she honestly believed that sound came out of her.

The cashier came over, scanned the bananas and that should have been the end of it, right?

Nope. Now it was time to stick said credit card into the machine to PAY for the groceries. Little Miss Timid, and I'm not even kidding, took a deep breath and slapped her hands against her thighs like a gymnast gearing up to mount he uneven parallel bars.  

Spoiler alert, I give her payment routine a 4.2.  She got the card into the payment machine, but it took her a couple tries to get the right PIN.

1) If you're going to make us use self-check, how about if you make sure ALL THE SELF-CHECK LINES WORK?

Every single store I go to has self-check now. And in every single one of those stores, no less than 30% of the self-check machines (and it's usually closer to 50%)  are OUT OF ORDER. How is this EVEN POSSIBLE???????????  HOW??????????  

Had all the self-check lines at the grocery been operating this morning, there would have been no blog. I wouldn't have gotten stuck behind Little Miss Timid.  My buddy would have been behind me, not behind Woman 2, who while she scanned faster than woman 1, bagged her groceries like she was playing Tetris and if she didn't get every bag perfectly packaged someone would skin the child she had riding on the bottom of the cart. 

Instead, half the checkouts don't work.  I get they can't find people who want to work as cashiers.  It's not a great job.  The hours blow, it's not a great paying gig, you're on your feet the whole time, standing on concrete, and you have to deal with just the worst people on earth:  The check writers who don't bring ID.  The people who HAVE TO PAY with EXACT CHANGE. Or, you know, me.  

What was my point? Oh right.

Anyway, I get that stores are having a tough time getting cashiers. But you can't even get your self-check machines to work for you?  GIVE ME A BREAK!

So there you go.  I meant to write a nice blog, but then this happened.

Oh, and the five songs you should have on your holiday playlist, but probably don't?

5) Selah Light of the Stable

4) Rick Springfield  Christmas with You

3) Mike Westendorf Nativity Song

2) Ana Gasteyer Sugar and Booze

1) Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings Big Bulbs

Five for Friday: My trip to the Chiropractor.

 

Good morning!

Okay, fellow Christmas folk, we are t-minus 23 to the big day.  Don't get frantic. We're all going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine!  

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. My visit to the chiropractor.

I've haven't been to one in years. And by years, I mean...I think I was pregnant with Skippy the last time I went. Which would be...a lot of years.  But, back in early November, my left hand went all weak. I couldn't grip anything, and it actually hurt to make a fist.  Not that I need to make a fist in my everyday life.  So, hubby suggested a trip to the chiropractor.

No surprise, I put off calling.  It's not that I fear doctors or dentists or medical people in general. I just am annoyed I have to go spend time sitting in their waiting rooms when I could just as easily be watching TV, lying on my couch.  Wait, I mean, I could be cleaning my house and cooking nutritious meals based on my new cookbook, now out and perfect for holiday gift giving!

Sarah's cookbook. Click here.

Anyway, I put off going. Then I made the appointment. And then I got a super bad cold.  So, I rescheduled. And rescheduled again.  And rescheduled again.  By the time I managed to haul my cookies into the office, my left hand was FINE.  I could grip stuff, and all was right with the world. Except hubby was still at me to get looked at.

So, I got looked at.  And here are 5 things that happened.

5) Apparently, I really like circling stuff.

Because I hadn't been to Badger Health Center for Chiropractic care, I had to fill out some forms. And one of the forms was a picture of a genitalia-free human body. The point was I was supposed to circle the part of the body that hurt.

Once I started circling body parts, I couldn't stop.  Left hand and elbow.  Check.  Neck...well, yeah.  Shoulders? Both of them.  Knees?  Well, always. One always hurts.  Feet?  Like I'm going to leave out the feet.  By the time I was done circling, I had a headache.  So, I circled the head.

4) Ma'am...please don't take that off.

Unlike every other medical professional I've ever seen, including the massage people in that building, I got to keep my clothes on. Wish I'd known that, you know, before I started disrobing. In front of the nice young front desk person. While the door was still open. 

3) Just Call me Boris Karloff.

If you've been to a chiropractor, you know the weird table they have.  You basically walk up to the thing and lean on it while it slowly lowers you to a lying position. Fun ride, right? I think I even said something stupid like, "Whee...."

 Then the doctor comes in and starts jumping on you and shoving her knee into your kidneys, and parts of the table sort of fall away, with a very loud sound. Overall, it feels and sounds like she's trying to kill you and your body is breaking into several pieces, turning to stone, and crashing to the floor.

Then I flipped onto my back (gracefully of course...) and she yanked and pulled and twisted, all while the sections of the table gave way randomly. At the end, the table slowly rose, while I was now on my back. It looked a lot like that bit from Frankenstein, where the monster is coming to life and getting off the table. 

2)This came back to bite me in a big way...

Since I circled everything on that form, the chiropractor was going to address...everything.

Neck and shoulders?  "You're very tight. Let's just do a light adjustment..." CRACK BAM CRACK.

Knees? "Oh, your ligaments are loose and your hamstrings are hard.  Let's just poke and push on them until you scream. And now...we yank!"

Lower back?  "Do you have lower back problems?"  (It was literally the one thing I didn't circle.)  I said, "No...no...I'm good."  What she heard was, "Stick your knees on both sides of my hips, find the really tender spots and then bounce on me for ten minutes yelling, 'yee ha' the whole time."

Elbows and hands?  

*This paragraph has been blacked out due to images of violence, torture, and foul language.

Feet?  I stopped her there.  It was a bad day, arthritically speaking, and I can barely tolerate any pressure on my right foot on a good day.  So...let's just leave that alone.

Then, after all that, she says..."Do you suffer from arthritis?"

Well, I DID, but now I suffer from YOU!

1) Wait, we're not done? I'm not cured?

Finally, after it was all over, and every joint I own was screaming in agony, she helped back to the front desk and there said two things that struck me down with fear.

1) "I want to see you in the next couple days again."

2) "According to your insurance, you have twenty visits between now and the end of the year.  We can really work on what's hurting you."

GOOD LORD...I'm not done?  I have to come back?  And you want to see me up to 20 times before the end of this month?

Well, okay then. I'm going back next week. On Monday, I think. Because why wouldn't you kick off a Monday with something like that?

Meanwhile,