Okay, fellow Christmas folk, we are t-minus 23 to the big day. Don't get frantic. We're all going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine!
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. My visit to the chiropractor.
I've haven't been to one in years. And by years, I mean...I think I was pregnant with Skippy the last time I went. Which would be...a lot of years. But, back in early November, my left hand went all weak. I couldn't grip anything, and it actually hurt to make a fist. Not that I need to make a fist in my everyday life. So, hubby suggested a trip to the chiropractor.
No surprise, I put off calling. It's not that I fear doctors or dentists or medical people in general. I just am annoyed I have to go spend time sitting in their waiting rooms when I could just as easily be watching TV, lying on my couch. Wait, I mean, I could be cleaning my house and cooking nutritious meals based on my new cookbook, now out and perfect for holiday gift giving!
Anyway, I put off going. Then I made the appointment. And then I got a super bad cold. So, I rescheduled. And rescheduled again. And rescheduled again. By the time I managed to haul my cookies into the office, my left hand was FINE. I could grip stuff, and all was right with the world. Except hubby was still at me to get looked at.
So, I got looked at. And here are 5 things that happened.
5) Apparently, I really like circling stuff.
Because I hadn't been to Badger Health Center for Chiropractic care, I had to fill out some forms. And one of the forms was a picture of a genitalia-free human body. The point was I was supposed to circle the part of the body that hurt.
Once I started circling body parts, I couldn't stop. Left hand and elbow. Check. Neck...well, yeah. Shoulders? Both of them. Knees? Well, always. One always hurts. Feet? Like I'm going to leave out the feet. By the time I was done circling, I had a headache. So, I circled the head.
4) Ma'am...please don't take that off.
Unlike every other medical professional I've ever seen, including the massage people in that building, I got to keep my clothes on. Wish I'd known that, you know, before I started disrobing. In front of the nice young front desk person. While the door was still open.
3) Just Call me Boris Karloff.
If you've been to a chiropractor, you know the weird table they have. You basically walk up to the thing and lean on it while it slowly lowers you to a lying position. Fun ride, right? I think I even said something stupid like, "Whee...."
Then the doctor comes in and starts jumping on you and shoving her knee into your kidneys, and parts of the table sort of fall away, with a very loud sound. Overall, it feels and sounds like she's trying to kill you and your body is breaking into several pieces, turning to stone, and crashing to the floor.
Then I flipped onto my back (gracefully of course...) and she yanked and pulled and twisted, all while the sections of the table gave way randomly. At the end, the table slowly rose, while I was now on my back. It looked a lot like that bit from Frankenstein, where the monster is coming to life and getting off the table.
2)This came back to bite me in a big way...
Since I circled everything on that form, the chiropractor was going to address...everything.
Neck and shoulders? "You're very tight. Let's just do a light adjustment..." CRACK BAM CRACK.
Knees? "Oh, your ligaments are loose and your hamstrings are hard. Let's just poke and push on them until you scream. And now...we yank!"
Lower back? "Do you have lower back problems?" (It was literally the one thing I didn't circle.) I said, "No...no...I'm good." What she heard was, "Stick your knees on both sides of my hips, find the really tender spots and then bounce on me for ten minutes yelling, 'yee ha' the whole time."
Elbows and hands?
*This paragraph has been blacked out due to images of violence, torture, and foul language.
Feet? I stopped her there. It was a bad day, arthritically speaking, and I can barely tolerate any pressure on my right foot on a good day. So...let's just leave that alone.
Then, after all that, she says..."Do you suffer from arthritis?"
Well, I DID, but now I suffer from YOU!
1) Wait, we're not done? I'm not cured?
Finally, after it was all over, and every joint I own was screaming in agony, she helped back to the front desk and there said two things that struck me down with fear.
1) "I want to see you in the next couple days again."
2) "According to your insurance, you have twenty visits between now and the end of the year. We can really work on what's hurting you."
GOOD LORD...I'm not done? I have to come back? And you want to see me up to 20 times before the end of this month?
Well, okay then. I'm going back next week. On Monday, I think. Because why wouldn't you kick off a Monday with something like that?
Meanwhile,
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