The Coronation from a (sassy) Colonist's viewpoint

 

The summer just before I turned 14, I got up at the super crack of dawn to watch a wedding on my parents' 19 inch Hitachi color TV.  My 2 boy cousins and my brother and I gathered around that wheezy beast of a television to watch Prince Charles and Lady Diana get married.  we got up early to watch it live, napped through the first rebroadcast, and then were awake again to watch the recap later in the day.  

It was a magnificent moment in the life of this little Midwestern girl, who, until the moment of that wedding, thought everything was like Wisconsin, America, and the President could be anyone, even a peanut farmer from Georgia.  Maybe even me, if I got better at math, like my parents told me.

Then I watched as people with interesting accents got married in a massive church and a lady, hardly more than 5 years older than I was, went from a regular person to a princess.

I was, on a certain level, deep in my all-American brain, hooked on the royal family.

Since 1981, through scandals and divorces and all manner of nonsense, the British Royal family became, and again I can only speak for myself, less of a wondrous mystery and ideal, and more of a head scratcher. I watched Andrew and Fergie get married, and then not married. I watched the travails of Princess Diana and the treachery of Prince Charles (who by the time I was in my early twenties was no longer a Prince Charming, but more like an elephant eared dummy who would rather sleep with a leathery hag than the beautiful princess to whom he was married.  Oh yeah, I had some serious thoughts and opinions about Camilla.)

Like most Americans, while the Royal family has become something of a quasi-soap opera/freak show, I still held Queen Elizabeth II with some affection and respect.  Even more so when I got completely and hopelessly hooked on Netflix's "The Crown."  Who doesn't love that show?  I mean, besides a number of British celebrities, most of whom are probably salty because they weren't invited to be IN "The Crown."

Sorry Dame Judi Dench, no "CROWN" for you!

And my opinion of Charles, as we went through the death of Diana and his subsequent marriage to Camilla, continued to slide.

Oh I know...like we Americans have so much smarter leaders...

I'll admit it. I've watched every documentary I can get my hands on regarding THE ABDICATION, every movie and TV series dealing with QE II, and really anything with a British accent.  Thusly, when yesterday's coronation of King Charles III popped up on my telly schedule, I was ABSOLUTELY getting up to watch that thing live.  Only this time, I was going to do it properly: On my 60 inch flat screen with stereo sound.  Yeah, "Zadok the Priest" really booms out of those subwoofers, let me tell you!

Anyway, what I'm getting to is I got up early, although not early enough because I'm old and I know about replays and recaps now, to watch the Coronation and I have a handful of thoughts.

1)  Bishop of Canterbery says WHAT?

I was watching this Bishop guy talk and honestly, I wasn't listening all that closely because, well, i was looking at this woman:

I mean...wowser. Look at her!

Anyway, when I snapped my attention back to the Archbishop, it was actually a voiceover from a British commentator who said, "And there the Bishop compared the crown of King Charles to that of to the crown of thorns of Christ."

Say what now?  The crown of Christ...the crown of thorns. Even most non Christians have a working knowledge of the suffering and death of Christ and how the Romans beat a literal crown of sharp thorns into his skull.  Is my lord archbishop REALLY comparing that to the gold encrusted headpiece Charlie boy had to wear for like half an hour and NOT ONE PERSON took a smack at him?

Well, this woman looks like she might:

I looked up the Archbishops sermon. Here's an excerpt.

And the weight of the task given today, Your Majesties, is only bearable by the Spirit of God, who gives us the strength to give our lives to others.

This is promised by Jesus who put aside all privilege, because, as the first reading tells us, God will give all things for our sake, even His own life. 

His throne was a Cross. His crown was made of thorns. His regalia were the wounds that pierced his body.

okay, and Charles' is a crown of gold and velvet and his regalia is a crap ton of gold swords and rings and a gold cloak.  So, you know, same thing, EXACTLY, as Jesus. You betcha.

2) Don't they have anything, you know, NOT USED?

We get it. American history doesn't begin to hold a candle to the reach of other countries.  And we also get it, the Brits do love their museum pieces. I mean, take a look at their new, fresh faced king and queen:

"Camilla, dearest, I'm peckish. Is it time for supper?"
"Almost. It's 2PM."
"Oh lovely. I hope we'll be done with this in time for the early bird special at the Royal Diner."

 My question is, could there have been something, literally ANYTHING that wasn't pre-18th century?  I mean, the robe they put charles in, that stiff gold thing, that predated the Magna Charta!  Here in the States, we got NOTHIN' close to that age. I mean, Our last couple presidents have been close...

the coronation chair is 700 years old.  

They said there was something called the Stone of Destiny...from Scotland.

I was ready for that to be all studded out with glitz and whatnot like everything else.  Nope: 

 But what can you expect?  That's been around for British coronations since 1296.  And prior to that, for Scottish coronations.  Americans, well the best we can do is a broken bell stuck in Philadelphia.

King Edwards chair and the stone of destiny.  Not the way I'd decorate, but whatever.

3) Did they just build what I think they did?

okay, having watched "The Crown" I was curious as to whether or not we, the great unwashed, would get to see the anointing of Charles. You know the part where this guy who's been waiting to get this job since birth finally gets it, but first has to come in touch with the divine and transform into something other than what he is?

Spoiler...we didn't get to see it.

What we DID get to see what the King was undressed in front of everyone, right down to the white night sure ala early Ichabod Crane and then they built what looking like a very fancy OUTHOUSE around him.

Okay, I get this is a serious ceremony and it's all religious and also mythical. But I'm telling you, this looked for all the world like the King had to potty and the guys in red were super prepared for just that thing.

I looked back at pictures of QE II's coronation. She got to wear a nice, well fitted dress.  Granted, she was 50 years younger than Charles is now.  But still. The best they could do was that night shirt?  Oh, wait, was it some holy night sure of St. Felix or something?

Fun fact, Camilla also got annointed. But right out there in public. No potty time for her. Once again...the woman has to hold it while all the world's a toilet for the guys.

4) Screw Elizabeth, it's the wild west here now.

So, some of you have been following the whole Harry/Megan drama. Why the Royals haven't learned that getting married to a divorced American always results in exile to another country is beyond me. Anyway, Harry went to his pop's coronation. Megs did not.  And Harry was a good boy and didn't wear the big fur robe with all the bows.

Unlike Uncle Andrew. 

Ah yes, if you're really following the Royals, you know that Prince Andrew is a big old disgrace on a level that made his divorce from Fergie look like really excellent  behavior. Such was his level of disgrace that QE II banned him from wearing any uniforms or fur robes.  And Charles also mentioned to his brother that he really should stay out of the fur robes because he's a complete menace and really should be in jail.  (Andrew, not Charles.)

Yeah, so there the disgraceful prince is...on the left, and WHAT IS HE WEARING?  A BIG OLD ROBE WITH BOWS ON IT!

So, King Charles should probably be yelling at his brother. Except here's the thing:  Charles spent a big part of the day stomping on his recently deceased mother's wishes too.

Oh yeah, did you notice?  Camilla, the woman who was NEVER supposed to be queen, got into QE II's good books right there at the end and Elizabeth said she could be named QUEEN CONSORT.  You know, like Prince Phillip languished his whole life as a Prince Consort. Never crowned. Never given that level of deference and respect. And that dude WORKED for it all the time!

But no. Camilla, she didn't produce an heir, she didn't do heavy royal work until she was old. She didn't do ANYTHING other than cheat on her husband and she gets "Queen Consort" from the queen.

And then the queen dies and the first thing her big eared, namby pamby of his royal dorkiness does is NAME HER QUEEN.  Not consort. Nope. QUEEN.

So, she gets oiled and crowned and now she's HER MAJESTY.

Somewhere Phillip is losing his crap all over again.

5) Best part of it all, besides the horses?

okay I loved all the horses and the marching.  Seriously.  That was cool. But do you know what the very best part of the whole coronation was?  

No, not betting whether or not those two AARP members were going to make it down the aisle with their heavy headgear.  And no, not hoping against hope that this chick:

would please GOD cleave someone in half.  No, the best part of the coronation was this kid:

Four year old Prince Louis.  I know he's the second son and the third kid and way far down the charts, but I love him and he needs to be at EVERY SINGLE royal event forever.  I can't wait to see him as he grows up into an irreverent teen.  Now, the good news is Kate is a level headed Normal, so he's got a shot of not becoming a freak show or marrying a basket case American Actress who can't get with the program and just be a princess. Time will tell. In the meantime, his facial expressions are EVERYTHING!

So that's it. Those are my little thoughts on the coronation. Given Charles' advanced age, and how grossly swollen his hands looked yesterday, I'm guessing we'll have another one of these in a couple years. Can't wait to see what William does with that million year old robe!