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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It's chemical warfare in the battle of the sexes!

Good afternoon!

I was watching a bit of television last night  (big surprise there!) and I saw a commercial for men's hair coloring.  I'm sure most of you have seen this commercial...there's a guy with lovely salt and pepper hair about to answer the door for a blind date when he realizes his salt and pepper hair makes him look, well, older than 25. 

The date is on the other side of the door!  What's a graying man to do?

AHA!  Use this mystical hair color product that you can comb in, let sit for five minutes, and then rinse out and POOF you have lush, dark hair without a glimmer of gray.  Better yet, you can do this coloring in the time it takes for a blind date to stand outside your door without leaving.

Let's ignore the fact that not one single woman on the planet would wait outside someone's door for five or more minutes if there's no response.  Well, unless she's a stalker ala Glen Close in "Fatal Attraction" and in that case, do you really want her lurking outside your door? 

Oh, but we're ignoring that.

Let's focus instead on the fact that there's a hair coloring product out there that 1)  covers gray  and 2) apparently doesn't smell AT ALL, and 3)  works in FIVE MINUTES OR LESS!

Most women I know color their hair.  Some go so fare as to go to a place to get it done.  The battle against gray hair for most women starts sometime in the their 30's.  For me, well, I started young.  I was 22 and hours from getting married when the stylist working my hair into a form I affectionately call the "bouffant mullet" informed me that I had a patch of white hair right on the hairline along my face.

Oh that's that a bride wants to hear on her wedding day.

I didn't go all "Bridezilla" on her.  Hey, I was 22, I'd been coloring my hair for almost 5 years already and box hair colors still worked and lasted for 6 weeks or longer.  Life was just fine.

Now, some 20 years later, I'm finding that box hair color isn't lasting more than a week, isn't covering the gray AT ALL, and most assuredely is NOT smell free.  I've gone several shades lighter blond just to camouflage the fact that my hairline is now completely white, while my roots remain staunchly dark blond.  Left to its own devices, my hair looks like a strange, washed out version of the Irish flag.  (And I can say that because over the years I've had both orange hair and green hair.)

So why is it that men can have a hair color that works (oh, and did I mention it works on their face?  Yeah, they have hair color they can just comb into their facial hair so that the face and the head match.) but it's inexpensive  (when was the last time you saw an ad for a salon for MEN'S hair coloring?) and it works IN FIVE MINUTES!

Oh yes, I believe that Eva Longoria gets her fantastic hair color from the same box I do.  I also believe that late at night I can see Unicorns dancing on my lawn.
Women's box hair coloring 1)  May or may not completely cover the gray, no matter what that hag Eva Longoria tells you.  (Oh yeah, I'm believing that TV and movie queens use the $8 a box hair color.  Yep, I can just see Sarah Jessica Parker at my local Walmart picking up a box right now.)  2)  Smells like a science experiment gone wrong  (because the ones that don't smell REALLY don't work) and 3)  Absorb roughly and hour or more of your day.  As long as you're prepared, you know, with clean hair that you didn't wash on the day you're coloring, but that doesn't have any product in it.  (And how many of us can line that combination up easily?)

But that's the way of it, isn't it?  Men's products, no matter what they are, are always less expensive, last longer, and work better.

Consider men's clothing.  Ever see a "raw edge" on the bottom of a MAN's shirt?  No, of course not!  Why not?  Because a MAN is going to DEMAND that his clothing be FINISHED, whereas we women have come to accept the fact that not all of our shirts are going to have a hem on them.

Men's underwear:  Double stitched, comfy, and come six to a pack for $6.

Women's underwear:  Elastic will wear out in three washes or less, provided the seems don't come apart first.  Underwear WILL RIDE UP.  Accept it.    And if you want a pack of 6, be prepared to pay $12 or more.  (And this is for the name brand stuff that regular women wear.  If you want the fancy stuff that will make you look like an "angel..."  well that's going to be $5 a PAIR!)

Men's moisturizer:  Buy it in 36 ounce bottles.  $5 a bottle.  It works. 

Women's moisturizer:  Oh, you want something that's NOT going to be the equivalent of rubbing cooking oil on your pores?  Well, then you'll be wanting to pay $15 an OUNCE and still, I wouldn't put actual cash on a bet that it'll ease your winter skin...without, you know, giving you a teen age case of pimples.

Men's shampoo: Includes conditioner, can double as a shower gel, smells clean, doesn't leave a residue in your hair.  $3 for a jug the size of a gas tank.

Women's shampoo:  Okay, first of all, you know you have to buy the conditioner separately right?  Because you can get that all in one stuff, but that just makes your hair stiff and sticky.  Oh, and you're going to need a separate shower gel, because this is SHAMPOO, not meant for the rest of the body and will actually dry out the spots you can't reach to itch if you wash with it.  Oh, and you have color treated hair?  Well, then you're going to need a SPECIAL SHAMPOO...up there, on the top shelf.  Yes, that little bottle.  Yes, that's really $9 for 8 ounces.  Will it make your hair color last longer?  Who knows?  But don't forget the conditioner!

Men's make up:  Men don't wear make up.  Men look great without make up. Men with imperfect complexions look RUGGED.

Women's make up:  First, you need a base.  Now you can get the cheap base, but that's going to make you break out, so you may as well just  buy the $15 and ounce base.  Then you'll need a powder because, well, the base is NOT going to be enough to cover your blemishes.  And then you'll need a blush, eyeliner, mascara (Because you have SHORT LASHES) and or course you'll need eye shadow, even if you're going for that natural dewy look.  Make up cost:  Somewhere between $45 and $300 depending on how much you really don't want acne to make an appearance.
Men's razors: You can get 12 blades to a pack for $10. They last longer than five shaves and they WORK.



Women's razors. 3 blades to a pack, also for $10. They last MAYBE five shaves, and that's if you're lucky enough to not have, you know, actual hair.


Men's unwanted hair treatments:  Men don't have unwanted hair.  Men with hair are RUGGED.

Women's unwanted hair treatments:  I can't even go into the hours, the pain, and money involved with this. 


So let's go back to that TV commercial and imagine if the guy had to go through all the steps women do, using women's products, and realized he was ugly just before opening the door for that blind date.  He'd emerge from his bathroom two hours later, and he'd look pretty great.  But he'd be BROKE, the look would last MAYBE two hours before it started to disintegrate.

Personally, I'm thinking about switching to all men's products.  Just the extra room in the shower, once I remove all my girlie stuff might make it worth my while!

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