This girl is funny...not skinny.

This girl is funny...not skinny.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

My nomimation for Worst Person in the World: #1

Good morning!

I'm not a person who likes to judge people, as most of you know.  I'd rather live and let live.  But in recent weeks I've come across a couple "humans" that I think need to be nominated for the worst person in the world.  Now these aren't mass murderers, these aren't people who have done, as far as I know, any real crime.  These are ordinary people who have proven, in the very short amount of time I've observed them, they don't have the skills and manners other normal humans have.

My first nominee is a woman. 

This the woman who sat one seat behind and one seat to my left at the Rick Springfield concert last month.  Now, how could a fellow Rick Chick make my list of nominees for worst person in the world?

Read on:

At the concert hubby and I sat next to two women.  In front of us was a vastly tall man, and the one woman, I'll call her Friend, was shocked and disappointment at having to sit/stand behind a mountain of a man. Hubby offered to swap our seats, thereby putting the women more toward the middle of the row, but away from the tall guy.

Friend and a lovely lady I'll call Tina refused.  See, Tina had had a knee replacement a couple years early, and it hadn't gone well.  The result was that the poor woman had to walk with a cane and sit on the end of the row because she needed to stretch out her leg.  However, she'd bought the tickets for Friend because Friend was one of those girls who, in the 80's, had a Rick poster in her bedroom and she kissed it every night.  She'd never been to a concert, and this was Tina's gift. 

Tina, however, was not at all able to stand during the concert, which sort of sucked for her because once Rick hit the stage, everyone got up.  Even the guy next to hubby, who informed hubby he'd been "dragged" to the concert, but, once halfway through his bucket of Bud Light, starting yelling, "THIS GUY IS F***ING AWESOME!"

(I know that, and I don't have to drink multiple beers to admit it.)

Anyway, Friend  (who missed making this post only because the woman behind us was so horrible) sat on the end instead of Tina.  (Tina sacrificed her seat and comfort so Friend could dance in the aisle.)  Tina, meanwhile, listened to the concert while watching the tall guy's butt.

Because the horrible woman at the concert
drank it all.
The horrible woman behind us, a leathery, smokey girl in the plus 50 years age department, was, preconcert and pretty much through out, slamming rum and cokes like she was on a mission to finish all the rum in the Wisconsin Dells.

While sucking down plastic cup after plastic cup of the brown elixir, horrible woman would also run up to the front, accompanied by an equally horrible male friend of hers, to dance in the front.  (We'd been told at the start of the concert to stay in our rows because those who were in the front had paid for front row tickets and we, in row Z, had not.)

That did not deter Horrible and her male companion who would, at random times run into her row (row AA) take her by the hand, and run her up the aisle.  Much of the concert she'd run of there with her drink in hand.  (Hey, priorities.  If they're going to kick her out of the concert for running to the front, then she wasn't going to lose her drink.)

At some point in the concert, I took off my shoes.  I like to be barefoot.  I liked the feel of the cold concrete floor on my feet and I really like dancing barefoot.  I was careful not to dance to wildly because, you know, Tina was sitting next to me, her head about level with my hips.  That would be an unpleasant post, having to admit I hipped a girl to death.

Anyway, one of these times when Horrible and her male companion made a mad dash to the front, she lost hold of her rum and coke and it flew forward...all 24 ounces of it...right into the back of Tina's head.

I knew something was up because I got the residual dribble as rum and coke flowed from her row to mine.  My feet got very sticky.  But not as sticky as Tina's head and shoulders.  Went and messy, she had to hobble out of her seat, past Friend, and out to get herself cleaned up.  She did not return until after the encore.

Meanwhile, Horrible returned to her seat and while we were all waiting for the encore to happen she said to me, "Was that girl with you?"

"No,"  I said, "but we'd been talking, so I sort of know her."

"Did my drink get on you?"

"Just my feet.  But she's sort of a mess.  She had to leave to get herself cleaned up."

And ladies and gents, this is the point of the story.  This is why this woman is nominated for Worst Person in the World.  She shrugged and said:

"Well, it's a concert. What do you expect?"

And there it is, friends...my first nomination for Worst Person in the World.

Friday, August 23, 2013

ElSIE W. IS FREE!

Hey all!

Well, call me a sucker, but I'm trying it again!

This weekend, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, my newest book, "Not While I'm Chewing!" will be FREE to Kindle users!

All I ask of you, my faithful readers, is that when you read the book and you love the book you please WRITE A REVIEW of the book!  (if you didn't like it, just remember it was FREE and you don't have to be mean!  LOL!)

CLICK HERE  to order the book via Kindle.  And, if you want a print copy of the book, you can use that link as well.

I'm FREE!  But only for this weekend!

Friday, August 2, 2013

Five for Friday: A week of Ridiculousness!

Good morning!

So this week it's just been one ridiculous thing after the other...and I realized that while I didn't have one big post to share with you, I did have a lot of mini things that can only, yes, happen to me.

So here we go:  The Five most ridiculous things I lived through this week.

5)  Just roll the Perrier around that old guy's butt so the rest of us can get our meds.

"Just because it's 4:30 doesn't mean I have
to move any faster!  You office people
just wait until I'm good and ready to go
home!"
This has been a rough week for me, medically speaking. Three weeks ago my spine doctor promised to call in a new prescription...one that won't do the evil things the other muscle relaxers did to me.  Well, he forgot to call it in, or whatever, and I never did pick it up.  But this week I went to him and he swore up and down he called it in.  To be safe, he gave me an old school hand writtern scrip.  So I mosied on down to my local "Buy in Bulk" club pharmacy.  It was almost 4:30, that magic time where the work force people are starting to get out and the old people haven't quite gone home for the day yet.  At the prescription drop off window there was an old couple yelling at each other...through the pharmacy tech, since she could hear them and they couldn't hear each other.  There was no way I was getting involved in THAT.  So I took a chance that the original scrip was in and I went to the pick up window.

At the pick up window I was next to a woman about my age who also had just been released from her office prison.  We were both behind elderly
folks; one, a lady with a cart full of bottled Perrier and the other an older gentleman in some tight fitting slacks.  (We'll call him Fred.)

The older lady just had to get her bottled water scanned and be on her way, but she was pinned in the corner by Fred, who seemed to be having some trouble scanning his debit card.

"No Fred, swipe it the other way."

Fred swiped that card six times.

"No Fred, that's not right."

So Fred did what every many should NOT EVER DO!  He squatted.  He squatted so he was eye level with the debit card scanner. 

Think about this.  He squatted, instead of bending at the waist.  That butt had to go someplace....and it went straight out.  Not pretty.

So now the older lady had no room to move her cart full of Perrier, because Fred's issues with his debit card took up more time than his butt did space.

The other office drone and I just waited...and waited...and waited....

Finally, Fred figured out how to scan his debit card, the lady got her Perrier scanned and I got to ask for my prescription.

4)  Somehow, it just doesn't seem worth the hassle.

I finally got to ask for my prescription and she asked me when it was called in.  I said, "on July 10."  She said, "well, anything that's been called in for more than ten days goes back on the shelf."

Here's the thing, before you restock the drugs, do you bother to call the customer and let them know the scrip is in?  Cuz I don't think ya do!

So she checked the records and sure enough...the scrip had been restocked.  "We'll get the filled out for you right away."

What's your definition of "right away?"  Because by my count you've had twenty one days.

See this goes hand in hand with the fact that I had a doctor's appointment with this doctor in question on Thursday of this week.  On Tuesday I called to double check the time.  I was told, "Oh, they have to reschedule that appointment?"

Hey, was anyone going to tell me that?  Or would that have been a nice surprise when I showed up on Thursday?

Normally this clinic is very on top of things, but between this prescription foul up and the change in my appointment time, I am starting to lose confidence.

Anyway, so they get the thing filled.  (The old couple at the drop off desk is still yelling at each other and the pharma tech looks like she wants to die.)  My pharma tech says, "Is this a new prescription for you or do you know this one?"

I make the mistake of saying, "Its' new."

"Oh, then you need to talk to the pharmacist.  He'll be with you in a minute."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  All I wanted to do was go home and lie down.  That's all I ever want to do after a day at work.  But between Fred's butt, the arguing couple and now the pharmacist who seems to be watching "Sponge Bob" on his iPad instead of working, I've been at the pharmacy for way too long!

Pharmacist finally comes over and says, "So do you have questions?"

"No."

He then mumbles something I can't hear, and unbags my pills...and opens the bottle...and looks at them. Then looks at me...then looks at them.  He mumbles a few more things I can't hear and then he all but shouts, "BUT THIS IS HARDLY GOING TO BE WORTH TAKING FOR YOU!"

Oh, I get it.  Smalls pills.  Large woman. 

"Just some basic side effects.  Hearthburn, constipation, nothing serious."

Yes, so these will work exactly like the last three prescriptions have worked.  Only in this case since I'm such an elephant of a human, these tiny pills will barely scratch the surface.

Thank you.  Shoot me now.

3. Forget HEPA, we're in hell's waiting room.


I've been going to the Spine Care clinic for nearly nine months now.  I've often said the place looks like Hell's waiting room because most people are in some kind of wheelchair or brace or stretcher or body cast.  In that waiting room I'm the picture of health.

On Wednesday  (the day the appointment got moved to)  the place was packed.  It was like an old people's bus was on its way to Denny's and got rolled and everyone wound up with some sort of spine injury...all on the day I had an appointment.  So I waited in line while the women in charge of checking us all in discussed in great detail the previous night's episode of some dating show.  I don't watch dating shows on TV.  I tuned them out and instead overhead this delightful conversation between, yes, two old people.

LADY:  No, Edgar, you still have blood in your urine.

MAN:  I have what?

LADY:  BLOOD!  IN YOUR URINE!

MAN:  Why do I have that?

LADY:  I don't know.

MAN:  Well, how do you know?  I didn't know that.

LADY:  I TALKED TO THE DOCTOR AND HE TOLD ME YOU HAVE BLOOD IN YOUR URINE.

MAN:  Well, I hope they can fix that.  It sounds serious.

LADY:  I'm MORE WORRIED ABOUT THE BLOOD IN YOUR STOOL.

Strangely enough, even though he was the one in the wheelchair...they weren't there for him.  They were at that clinic for her.  He sat parked in the waiting room while she hobbled into the physical therapy room with her walker, her leg brace and her truss.

2.  Fun with BiFocals

Many of you may remember a few weeks ago when I was bullied into getting Progressive lens and frames I hated.  Well, after a week of feeling like I was in a box, I turned in the glasses and had them make me a pair of normal frames with lined bifocals.

Well /I got them yesterday...yes, after the pharmacy fiasco I went in for more abuse at the hands of the eye people. 

I like my frames now.  They are sporty, they are purple.  But lined bifocals...someone is going to get hurt, and it's probably going to be me. 

"They'll help you with working on the computer," says the woman who thought I looked good in the last pair of glasses.

How?  The line for the bifocals runs directly across the seeing part of my eye.  If I look down it's blurry.  If I look up, I get yet another pain in my neck.  So working at the computer...does not help.

And forget stairs.  Again, looking down makes the stairs blurry and looking up makes them invisible because stairs are DOWN.  Yep, I've tripped. I haven't fallen, but we all know it's a matter of time before I miss a step and go flying down a flight of stairs.

Meanwhile, trying to find that sweet spot where I have actual vision through my glasses has been fun.  At least for those around me.  But darn it all...those frames look great!

And who needs to actually SEE?  As long as you look good, that's what matters, right?

That brings me to this:

1.  I'm gettin' BOTOX!

Yep, if the new meds, the ones the pharmacist thinks are pointless for a girl of my advanced size, don't give me relief from pain...the next step is botox.

No, not around the eyes, where I need it because after a year of not sleeping more than 3 hours in a row, I'm starting to look a bit tired, no this would be in my neck.  The theory is that the botox would paralyze the muscle spasms in my neck.

And my neck will look smooth and sexy for 4-6 weeks.

So there's my ridiculous week.

Hope you are enjoying a great week as well!


Two adults discuss...achieving their Fitbit goals.

Many of you know that I've been getting up before work and taking a walk for my health and weight loss goals.  (Don't get ex...