I feel the need

I feel the need

Thursday, November 24, 2011

It's a heartwarming Thanksgiving Day Elsie story!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

For those of you outside the US, today is the day when Americans give thanks for their blessings by gathering with relatives they rarely see and have little in common with; eat food they really don't care for, but it's tradition; and watch American football until their eyes bleed.  Then we wrap it up with a trek in the middle of the night to wrestle old ladies to the ground so we can get the best deal on an Adam Sandler DVD at Best Buy.

I love this holiday!

I wasn't going to blog this month because I've been deep in writing "Stupid," BUT yesterday Elsie gave me no choice.  I have to tell you what happened.

She arrived promptly at 11:07, and spent the next twenty minutes making herself a lunch, using the bathroom  (probably for a personal phone call) and then whining to NBM about how "no one is going to be home tonight.  Do I really have to stay until 8?"

Let me just clear something up:  Americans were in one of three places last night:  The grocery store, on the road traveling to some one's house, or at home cooking.  With at least 100 million people guaranteed to be in their homes, I have to think that "SOMEONE" would be able to talk to Elsie.

I didn't hear NBM's side of the conversation, but it was clear she was not going to have to stay for her entire shift.  This graveled me a tiny bit since I was sort of hoping to get off early as well, but since I work until 5, I didn't even think to ask.

For the next two hours, she made a handful of calls, hummed a lot, and wandered about the office collecting paper goods and hiding them in her office.  She did spend half an hour vacuuming her office.  That was fun to listen to, especially when she came out and started vacuuming the showroom.  (Didn't need it.  Since we moved her into a private office, there's no food on the floor in the showroom.)

She then dragged her vacuum, to my desk and said, "Do you want me to clean around your desk?"

I looked at the floor, where there is NOTHING because...you see....I don't eat at my desk.  I said, "No, don't need it."

That didn't stop her though.  While I was on the phone  (You know...doing my job.)  she ran that machine around my desk, banging into my chair.

As she walked away she said, "You were right.  You didn't need it."

But that's not why I'm blogging.

No, I'm blogging, because when I returned from my lunch at 2:30, she walked out of her office and said in a very loud voice, "Obviously I'm not taking a lunch break today.  But would it be okay if I ran out to my car to get something?"

NBM said, "Sure, go get what you need."

Elsie said, (and I'm quoting here) "Good.  I just need a little something to nibble on between calls."

I had to hang up the phone and stuff a plumbing permit into my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.  This woman has, in her office at this moment, a family sized bag of chips and a two liter bottle of soda.  I couldn't wait to see what she planned on nibbling on between calls.

She didn't disappoint.

You know that Tupperware that people bring two dozen cupcakes in, the round one?  Yeah, she brought that in, filled to the brim with meatloaf, potatoes, and corn. 

Most people would call that a lunch.  I'm a big person...I would have called that dinner for four.

She proceeded to prepare her "snack" which took about fifteen minutes because everything had to be microwaved separately.  She then poured milk all over the kitchen counter...and didn't wipe it up.  And then, she repaired to her office where she made one call.  And then ate her massive DINNER for half an hour.  And then made another call.

Sadly, two phone calls in forty five minutes is actually a pretty good speed for her.

She did get a bit steamed at NBM and me later in the day when 1)  NBM said she had to stay until 6, she could not leave at 5 like she wanted and 2)  I pointed out after listening to about three of her calls, the hey, people were not only home, they were answering their phones.

So there you go my friends. Something to chuckle about when your choking down turkey that's dry and stuffing that's got something weird in it.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

No point crying over milk drunk straight from the jug.

I'm taking a quick break from the Elsie book to share a little reality check with you all.  Lest you think that I've become too cool to laugh at myself...I have to share this story with you.

Last weekend Hubby and Peaches went to Nashville for big fun and Skippy, of course, spent the weekend ignoring me.  Which meant, for us moms, I had a blessed weekend of NO PEOPLE in my house.  I tidied up the house and settled in for a long weekend of writing...and napping.  But mostly writing.

Somewhere along the way, I got a bit of a headache.  That will happen when the fumes from the 86 candles I light when I write get to me. So I headed to the kitchen to get some Advil.  (I use the trademarked name because I can't spell Ibuprofen.) 

Now, ladies, we've all been in this position:  you JUST finished the dishes and really, the last thing you want to do is create more dirty dishes.  No problem, I thought to myself, I'll just pop the pills in my mouth and drink some milk straight from the gallon jug.  Save a dish and I'm back to weekend of writing and napping...but mostly writing.

Don't judge me on the drinking out of the milk jug.  You know you do it.

So I popped three tablets into my mouth, hoisted the milk jug up and took a swig.

Something funny happened, though.

See, I put three tablets in my mouth.  the milk sort of rushed out of the jug too quickly.  I wound up choking...spewing milk all over, and...was left with two tablets in my mouth.

Where was that third tablet?

Well, of course I swallowed it, right?  RIGHT?


Nope, I held up the milk jug and there it was...sitting at the bottom of the gallon jug, the orange coloring floating away from the tablet like Easter egg dye.

I toyed with the idea of not fishing it out.  Who would know?  I'm alone, no one else saw this, by the time anyone else pours themselves a glass of milk, the tablet will have dissolved.  given how much is put into our foods in the way of chemicals and hormones, who would notice a single Advil?

That thought lasted about fifteen seconds and, resigned to what I had to do, I got the colander out.  And the two big popcorn bowls because no one popcorn bowl is big enough to hold a FULL GALLON OF MILK.  and I poured the milk out until the Advil floated out.

So there I was, two big bowls of milk sitting on the counter.  now what?  I don't own a funnel that will successfully get a gallon of milk from a big bowl  into the narrow neck of a plastic gallon jug.  (But yes, I did ponder doing just that by sort of aiming the bowls over the jug.  A better plan would have been to just pour the milk on the floor and let the cats drink it.)

I do have a pitcher, that holds almost a gallon.  So I fetched that, poured the milk into that, and then...yes, then I did the dishes.

Moral of the story?

When you have a headache and you don't want to dirty a glass, just gag it down dry.  Saves time and dishpan hands!

And now, I'm back to Elsie.  20000 words this weekend.  I MUST HAVE THIS BOOK WRITTEN by Thursday.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Hey..Tampa! I'll give you the same production for way less!

Hell all!  I'm taking a break for a couple days...I'm up to my eyeballs in Elsie work, and I need a break.  But today news came out that I had to touch on for you.

Over a year ago I wrote what has become, without rival, my most popular blog.  I wrote about how I tried the Albert Haynesworth fitness test, the one he failed with the Redskins, but was signed to a $100 M contract.

Since then, Mr. Haynesworth and I both changed jobs.  I went from office drone to third shifter back to office drone.  He moved to New England where he played six games for the Patriots.

And in those six games, this man was payed $10M for his efforts.

I make $13 and hour, 8 plus hours a day, five days a week, no exceptions.    He played six games.  In a season when there were no off season training camps.  So he and I worked out about as often as the other.

I have zero tackles in the NFL in those six weeks.

Dude, I have 3 fewer tackles
than you!
Albert Haynesworth...for his $10M...has three.  Not three per game.  Three.

That's right.  I have three fewer tackles over six games than a guy making $10M.

This all comes from a report from my sports guru Steve Czaben as heard on The Bob and Brian show.  I never miss that sports report in the AM, and this is why.

Had I known the bar to be an NFL Defensive Lineman was so low, I would have applied with the Patriots instead of Kwik Trip or...you know, the Dunder Mifflin look alike I'm at now.  I would have taken up NO room under the salary cap because I would have played HARD those six games for about 5% of what Mr. Haynesworth did.  I might even have produced the same number of tackles.  Hey, I might look like a broken down middle aged woman, but I could be sneaky.  No one expects the old lady to tackle!

So now, after being unemployed for about 24 hours, Mr. Haynesworth is moving to Tampa where he will "play" for the Buccaneers.

Seriously, Tampa...I'm happy to come on down and fill the spot.  I would love the work out time and honestly, I wouldn't cost nearly as much.  I wouldn't even demand a separate locker room.  I'll just drive home and shower after the games. 

Just putting that out there.

And now I'm back on track.  Nano is riding my tail because my production on writing has been as sporadic as...well as an Albert Haynesworth tackle.  The difference is, I get paid AFTER I produce.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

NaNoWriMO has me spinning!

Hello my friends!

I will be taking a short break from this blog.  For this month of November, I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month.  This means I am expected to write 50,000 words, in one month!

My goal is to finish "I can't Fix Stupid" this month so that I can format it and have it on your e-shelves by Christmas.  (Print copies may take a bit longer.)

So, my friends, please enjoy reading back issues of this blog...they are all there for you to scroll through!  Meanwhile, think of me, pray for me, because I will be in a haze for the next 30 days.  Hopefully, when I emerge, I will have completed the Elsie book AND a new romance novel!


I can't fix STUPID, but I sure would like to poke at it with a stick

Yes, this was something I used in a post, but my good friend Roxanne suggested it would be the right title to use, and YOU, the voters, picked it as the winner.
So Roxanne...you know who you are...you will be receiving my complete published library of books...just as soon as I publish "I Can't Fix Stupid..."

Fun Fact Friday: Now that it's dead, Sarah reveals a childhood dream.

Happy Friday all! What do you want to be when you grow up? That's a question we ask little kids...and I haven't a clue why....