This is going to be one of those posts. So Todd, Tom, and anyone else who gets grossed about by biological talk, you've been warned.
|A pot of honey to make the tummy stop rumbling.|
I've long thought that we as a society spend a lot of time talking about pooh. No, not Winnie the Pooh. More like...Jaime Lee Curtis pooh. We've become very, very concerned about pooh. How often we make it, how hard it is to make it, what happens if we can't stop making it.
One question parents ask their very young children when faced with a mystery stomach ache is, "When did you pooh last?"
When I was a child, my mother thought proper poohing was the cure all for everything. And poohing of an irregular nature had to be cured RIGHT AWAY. Thus, we had the biggest bottle of Peptobismal in the cabinet. (For those of you not familiar with Pepto, it's gooey, it's pink, and it's faintly peppermint. It's supposed to cure runny pooh. All of these are good things. however, it's also chalky, which is weird for a liquid, and it turns your tongue black. Don't believe me? Go to your parents house, get the bottle They have one. Trust me. Have a teaspoon. It won't matter if you're not suffering from any of the ailments listed on the bottle. It's not that effective. Get back to me in about six hours when you look in a mirror and your tongue is black.
|A pot of something to make the tummy start rumbling.|
Conversely, for pooh issues of the less regular kind, my mother kept a stock of glycerin suppositories in the fridge. My mother believed in cures that involved shoving something in our rears. Rectal thermometers, enemas, glycerin suppositories. even aspirin suppositories. She didn't like things going through our bloodstreams and into our stomachs. My brother had a sensitive stomach and threw up a lot. So did I. My mother hated cleaning up vomit so she avoided giving us anything that might irritate our bellies.
Anyway, back then, there weren't a lot of socially acceptable ways to discuss pooh problems. We kept the Pepto in the cabinet and the suppositories in the fridge and if anyone asked, my mom would say, "oh, the kids are a little irregular." And she'd whisper it, like she was admitting we had to be held back a grade or stole gum from the local store.
When I got a little older, Mom ran across a Shaklee lady who sold Cod Liver Oil.
If you don't know what either of those are I envy you. I was a much older adult before I realized Shaklee sold products OTHER THAN Cod Liver Oil.
Mom shoved a spoonful of that black goo down our gullets every morning. We stopped being...well, stopped...but still. Ew. Mom was like the ANTI Mary Poppins.
Once I was grown and had my own kids I went through the whole, "When did you pooh last?" with them. And yes, we have a bottle of Pepto in the cabinet. Neither kid would touch the stuff. And as for suppositories, I'm sorry, I only used them once, when Skippy was a tiny baby. They were weird and I don't think they worked right. To stop upset tummies, I had a list of foods to feed the kids (We called it the B.R.A.T. diet. Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast.) And honestly, when my kids got backed up, they sort of just rode it out.
Fast forward to a couple years ago. Suddenly, Jamie Lee Curtis, star of stage and screen and Hollywood royalty, comes on TV touting a yogurt with LIVE CULTURES AND PROBIOTICS that's supposed to help you when you're feeling "sluggish."
I've had my own issues with sluggishness as I've aged. I'll admit it...I have had some pooh issues. And anyone my age who is hiding behind the whole, "I'm having a bit of tummy trouble" needs to get over it. When you reach a certain age your body starts to betray you. I didn't allow myself to break wind for decades. Hubby always warned me that eventually I'd explode. Then I hit 45 and TAH DAH my living room has been the scene of many a toot-a-palooza. Humiliating the first time it happened. Hubby looked at me, and I said, "Oh excuse me!" He said, "It's about time!"
Anyway, I tried the yogurt. That was a big no. First of all, it's not that delicious. There's a weird flavor. And second, it made my stomach feel worse. As for making me not feel irregular or sluggish, no, it didn't help that, but it did bloat my gut to a very fun size.
So I continued the search for the thing I could use that would get my body back on track. (I can hear some of you saying, Hey, drink lots of water and eat raw vegetables. Yeah. Right. Let's move on.)
Over the last year I've discovered a love for all things gummy. Gummy multivitamins. Gummy Melatonin to help me sleep. Gummy Biotin to make my nails and hair glorious. My shelf in the bathroom looks a little like a candy shop. I get a tiny snack in the morning and one at night.
So IMAGINE my excitement when I found GUMMY PROBIOTICS! This was going to SOLVE ALL MY POOH PROBLEMS!
The label suggests two gummies a day for an adult, four if there's some sort of digestive issue. WELL. Day one, I took one, because, you know, I'm cautious. Day two I took two. I felt fine. I felt good. I felt regular. On day three I had a bit of a back up. the label said I could take four. I didn't feel that sluggish because the label said each gummy contained 250 Million viable BC30 cells. I don't know what any of that is, but 100 million of anything in my body seemed excessive. So I took three instead. And I went to bed.
And the next morning.
Well the next morning and for probably the next twelve hours I spent a lot of time running to the bathroom and doing battle with the 750 Million viable BC30 cells in my body. More of a bargaining than a battle really. I'd say, "Okay, I'm going, but only let the pooh out." Then I'd say, "Okay, I'm going, but this has GOT to be the last time."
Then I'd say, "WHAT ON EARTH CAN I POSSIBLY STILL HAVE IN THERE?"
And finally, when then 750 million viable BC30 cells had reduced me to a deflated, empty shell of person, devoid of any blockage, and also devoid of any internal organs, bones, and any muscle tissue I might have (thankfully, and typically, of course, the FAT all remained) I gave up. I swore I'd be good. I'd drink more water. I'd eat raw veggies, or at least I would talk about eating raw veggies.
The 750 Million viable BC30 cells declared victory. I shoved the nearly full bottle of pro biotic gummies to the dark corner in the back of the shelf. Maybe I'll just get regular gummies and eat those instead.