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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The bare minimum in fashion sense...

Hello all!

I didn't think I really had to go over this topic...again...but after hitting Summerfest with Peaches last weekend, I guess I do. (And if you can't get to Summerfest, just go someplace where there are large groups of people outside for long periods of time.  You will see what I mean.) So here we go:

Ladies, and this is addresses specifically to the ladies, not that it's gross or anything, but because men's fashion is so completely basic I do not need to discuss it,  (For those of you unsure...pants and shirt.  Period.  End of discussion.  Shorts, if you must, but shorts that skim the knee.  No higher...no lower.  No Man-pri s.  Pants, shirt.)

Anyway, ladies, I've recently been spying with my little eyes a number of women who plainly need to be reminded of the bare minimum rules of fashion.  As most of you know, I've long said, "Just because they make a size 22 bikini, does not mean you should WEAR a size 22 bikini."  Indeed, as a size 16 girl, my own swimsuit has more coverage than most of Britney Spears' complete outfits.

So I've come up with a few minimum guidelines that we should all follow, if for no other reason than to avoid being put in blogs like this!

1)  It is NEVER okay for a woman over the age of 35 to expose any part of her underwear.  This goes double for women who have their children with them, and triple for women who are a bit fluffy.

I'm not that old, but when I was a kid I would have been mortified to show any tiny bit of my bra strap to the world.  Now, Peaches wears tank tops and sport bras layered.  That's fine for Peaches, she's 14, fit, and dresses in an age appropriate manner.  But for the rest of the over 35 planet, let's just bear this in mind:  Those Playtex super support straps are not sexy, and no one wants to see that much industrial construction at work.  If you MUST wear a tank top, ladies, and if you are slender, find a bra that goes with the top you're wearing.  Be classy.  You're not a kid anymore.

Fluffy girls...sorry.  For those more bosomy, the tank top is, frankly, a fashion no-no under the bare minimum rules.  I know it's hot outside, but you are not able to go without support  (and you know you're not, don't try it) and bra straps on a big girl are not sexy.  Take it from me, your resident big girl...they are not!

Oh, and as a side note...the strapless top with the bra under it?  YIKES!  This is NOT an acceptable way around the tank top issue.

2)  Minis have an expiration date.

Ladies, we all want to look young.  BUT, there comes a time in every woman's life when you have to realize you are too old or too big for an outfit.

Mini skirts.  Anyone over the age of 35 should NOT be wearing a mini skirt.  Period.  Thank you for playing.  Don't even ask again.  That number goes down a year for every 10 pounds you are overweight.  At Summerfest Peaches and I witnesses a fairly young woman, probably in the late 20's area of life, dressed in a white cut off denim skirt.  Now, this would have been okay if a)  she weren't 100 pounds overweight and b) when she sat down we didn't get an awesome view of her granny panties waistband, which also covered her lower back tattoo.
(Don't even get me going on those.  The answer is NO...never...ever.)


Flirty mini skirts LOSE when in battle with round cheeks and rough dancing.

What we see in the photo above are two women...well beyond the 40 mark in age, wearing wildly inappropriate clothing.  Yes, they are at a rock concert.  Yes, they are dancing on top of a picnic table.  And no, the older woman is NOT wearing any sort of support.  Is this the picture we want to present to the outside world my friends?  I think not.

3)  And talking about support...

Ladies, wearing a bra is a MUST if you are a) over that magic age of 35  b) mother to more than two children  OR are a c)  are a B cup or larger.  And I do not CARE how perky you think you are...or how awesome that tiny little tank or strapless top might seem at the start of the day.  By the end of any given day outside, your boobs, much like your hair and your make up, are going to sag and the results are simply NOT going to be good. 

As for those of you with "enhanced" assets.  Let me just say this:  While at Summerfest, Peaches and I were able to take in a young band called Last Page.  I enjoy watching the up and coming bands...they have a lot to prove and generally put on a good show.  This band was made up of teens 13-17 who did reasonably good covers of some of my favorite 80's bands.  I enjoyed them thoroughly.

I was not, however, as appreciative as the woman in front of me who a) had been drinking for at least four hours and 2) was quite proud of her perfect, post op assets.  (As was her equally inebriated male partner.)  I'm not saying the dress she had on was low cut.  I'm saying that had she, at her age of a very nicely surgically preserved 55, bounced up and down one more time, those torpedoes would have been released to seek a target.  She was a very pretty older woman who made a very BIG impression on the rest of the crowd, mostly made up of the mothers of the band and teen girls.

In short...as much as we put emphasis on all glands mammary in nature...no one actually wants to see one come flying out on its own.  Real life is NOT a Def Leppard video, and 99% of us need the friendly confines of a good bra to keep things pointed in the right direction.

4)  So you've followed all the rules, there's just one more:  LOOK IN A MIRROR.

You've got the concert T on...which means you can wear your good bra.  You're wearing flat sandals, so you won't fall off the stilettos you were thinking of wearing.  And you have a skirt that offers max coverage.  Well done.

Now, look in the mirror.  What does the whole outfit say to you?

I only wish you could see how this skirt sparkled in the sun!

The over all effect should not be one that makes people stop drinking their beer to stare at you.  A bare minimum rule of thumb:  Dress for comfort...dress for the event...dress to blend.   Follow that, and you won't find yourself in my blog!  EVER!

Finally, my friends, a little math for you.  Not sure just how bare you can be this summer, say on the beach or at a concert?  I find this equation to be very helpful when I'm picking out an outfit:

Your age  +  the number of pounds overweight you are = how many extra inches of material you should add to that saucy little outfit you're thinking of wearing.

I find wearing a snuggy generally fits the fill in my case.


1 comment:

  1. We saw one of those non-supported over the age of 45 at the Def Leppard concert....not pretty...it is really obvious that 1.she was too old to wear that 2. she too was a fluffy girl and 3. size DD "girls" need love and support! There were also a couple Rock Grannies...age 70+ there...not kidding...but at least they wore the band tee!

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