On January first, I made a couple of resolutions. I was going to do the Wii twice a week, go to Gold's 2-3 times a week, and take a multivitamin every day.
Here's an update.
|My virtual Yoga trainer|
has no idea who I am anymore.
But as the first quarter of 2012 closes, I realized something: I wasn't addressing my REAL resolutions. That's not that unusual. Sometimes we can't make resolutions until the year has started because we don't know what a particular year is going to require of us. This year, I'm finding, is a year where I must have and show NO FEAR.
Let's review my year thus far: Hubby lost his job in January. He got a new job, a job that started in a city more than an hour from our home. His job entails a lot of shifting, working in new places all the time, moving around. It seems scary for him...but it's also scary for me, because I'm the keeper of the books here.
Skippy finished high school. He's looking toward the fall with a hazy idea that he wants to go to college, sort of. While his other classmates already know where they're going and how they're going to finance things, we haven't a clue on either front. He has not applied to any colleges or anything. He has a lot of fear, the idea of choosing a career and then paying for it is very scary. For me, there are two fronts of fear: first, try explaining why you son, who looks homeless, hasn't been seen by many relatives or his church friends in eons (because he goes to a different church now) that yes, he was an honor roll student all thought high school, no he didn't drop out, he finished early, and no, we don't know where he's going or what he's doing with the rest of his life.
Try saying that to yourself about your own child. See if that doesn't scare you just a tiny bit. Then try saying it to your judgemental parent/relative/neighbor. In this society, a kid that doesn't have his life planned at the end of his junior year of high school must be a loser, right?
Nope, not a loser. Just not interested in spending $20K a year on general education when we don't even know what we want to do. But there's fear there every time says, "So, what's Skippy going to do?"
He's 18...I don't know if he knows what he wants to do with the rest of his DAY.
One would think that Peaches is the one I don't fear for at all, and one would be wrong. She's a hard core vegetarian. She's getting new friends. She's also, I'm finding, far more opinionated and militant about her opinions than Skippy ever was. This scares me like you have no idea.
As I look at all of this...I realize that this is a year where I could curl up in a ball of snot and hide. I could just open a bag of Cheetos and dive in, never to return. I could get really fat, and hide from the planet because I'm too scared to open my eyes.
That would be easy.
No my friends, 2012 is officially, for me, the year of no fear. I have to resolve to battle against my internal fears and not only function, but excel. I have to bite the bullet, and just write the book I want to write and hope that readers will read it. I have to get my rights for "Dream in Color" so I can control that book as well and build my e-book empire on my values as an author.
I am okay with the fact that I'm an e-book author.
I am okay with the fact that my son looks like a homeless person, and will probably live in my basement until lightning strikes and he decides to make a career choice.
I am okay with never really knowing here Hubby is going to be working week to week.
I am okay knowing I will be getting emails from Peaches' teachers asking me why my daughter did or said something they didn't like.
I am okay with the fact that my mother is never going to stop hounding me about getting a vial of corn put on my belly button so that she can prove i'm fat because I like corn on the cob. (That's another post for another day.)
I am okay with the fact that I may never be thin again.
Yesterday at my Mad City Romance Writers meeting, wonderful romance author Christine Merrill spoke on how to rouse emotions in a reader. She is a very funny lady who has us in stitches every time she speaks. Yesterday she said something that rang true with me. People who are happy, cheerful all the time probably arent' that funny. It's the unhappy, uncertain, distressed people who used humor as a defense mechanism.
Maybe that's why this blog works so well. If you look at the list above you might think I have a lot of reasons to be sad, nervous, bitter. Sometimes I am. But most of the time humor is my sheild. It protects me from being sad, from pain.
So, my friends, 2012 is officially the year of no fear for me. I'm not going to be afraid to face my life. Armed with my sense of humor, I will use this blog to crush my fears about life.
Buckle up. I am going to make you laugh until you injure yourself, or die trying.
It's going to be way easier than actually getting to Gold's 3x a week.
A couple updates:
Oh wait...I have NO TV audience!
Well look out Conda...because I just dropped a ton in water weight this week and I've been to Gold's for actual sweat producing work outs. I feel a reverse crushing coming on!