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Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Broccoli Conspiracy.

Good evening.

So, many of you have been following my diet foibles up and down.  Believe me, I've done them  all, and I've even invented a few of my own.  My most successful was replacing any dessert with baby food dessert.  I loved the stuff, and I lost weight.  Don't bother trying that diet anymore, however.  The do-gooder nutrition watch dogs that suck the fun out of pretty much everything decided that babies didn't NEED desserts and therefore it is impossible to find Blueberry Buckle, Apricot, and Peaches.  Oh,you might find peaches, but they are watery, with no thick, lovely pie filling feel to them.  Blech.

That got me to thinking about the major diets that are out there and I was horrified to uncover what I believe it the biggest, most dangerous conspiracy since, well, I just say it, since the early nineties when BIG FLANNEL got it's comfy deep fingers into the style minds of everyone.  We spent the better part of a decade all looking like sad, unwashed lumberjacks.

Let me lay out the facts and see if you can draw the same conclusions:


Atkins diet:  Leave carbs alone completely.  Eat only protein products, NO CARBS....for the LOVE OF GOD....NO CARBS. 

If you must eat something that isn't animal flesh...have a spear of broccoli.

Low carb diets.  (Ideal for diabetics)  very low carbs.  Breads, sugars, most fruits, pasta, all pretty much off the list as well as corn, peas, and carrots.  If you want something snappy, try some broccoli.

Vegetarian:  No animal flesh.  Milk and dairy is okay.  Oh, you know what tastes really good with cheese sauce?  Broccoli.

Vegan:  No animal, no milk, no cheese, we're a bit iffy on cruelty to plants in some cases, but hey, eat all the broccoli you want.

Weight watchers:  Big news!  Fruit is zero points now!  Hey, know what's ALWAYS BEEN ZERO POINTS?  Broccoli.

Go to a restaurant.  Order a steak.  They always bring it with a side of vegetables.  Know what that vegetable always is????????????


And it's not just eating...oh no.  President George Herbert Walker Bush  (Bush Senior  in case you're unclear)  expressed a distaste for broccoli.  He was a one term president.

No big deal you say?  Let's look at those who followed:

Clinton:  WAS IMPEACHED for lying under oath, served two terms.

Bush Junior:  Pretty much lost both elections, sort of (American politics make so much sense until you get to that Electoral College business.)  served two terms.

Obama:  Well, it doesn't look good.  The economy's in the dumper, the national debt is worse than my Kohl's bill, and let's face it, he's riled up the old folks, and that's never good.  They've got nothing but to time express why they're unhappy.  BUT, he's never said anything negative about broccoli, has he?

Nope, Big Broccoli has us all by the florets.  I can't say anymore.  If this blog vanishes over night...I was clearly murdered by broccoli!
Who can forget this classic tune from Dana Carvey singing about Broccoli?  By the way, has anyone SEEN Dana Carvey lately?  Ponder that...

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