I feel the need

I feel the need

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Baseball as explained by Noelle C.

Good morning!

I've been absent from the blog much this month because 1)  I'm racing to get "Fresh Ice" to the second to last stage of publishing and 2)  nothing all the funny has happened to me lately.  I realized this week that NBM is pretty much a horrible human being when it comes to having human emotions like empathy or tolerance of those he imagines are weaker than he.  Case in point:  Three of us at work are in physical therapy.  Two are guys who got hurt on the job.  The other is me.  One of the guys is still able to do his job, but he has to go to PT a couple times a week after he gets his job done.  The other is on very restricted work and has more PT.  He injured his back, and it's painful to watch him walk, but since this has been going on for several weeks, NBM has taken it upon himself to make like miserable for the poor guy.  See, NBM pictures this guy as weak, since he can't suck it up and do his work.  Of course, I don't see NBM picking up anything heavier than his cereal bowl in the course of a day and he almost never interacts with anyone outside the office.  (So when he spread his death cold all the way across the company, and then mocked everyone who had to miss work because we weren't strong enough to 'suck it up' that's when I realized just how horrible he is.)

Anyway, I'm not here to list the reasons I once again believe my boss is the spawn of Satan.  That's the plot for another book down the road.  No, today I'm going to tell you the story of how and why Noelle C absorbed a baseball game.

A few weeks ago, we got a very nice letter from a customer who happened to work for the Milwaukee Brewers.  The letter detailed how Noelle C, The guy who is on restrictions at work, and I all teamed up to give this man great customer service.

It wasn't a letter we get very often.  Fortunately for me, I open all the mail, so I not only got to read the letter right away, I also noted that the customer had given Noelle C, the guy on restrictions, and me two tickets to an upcoming baseball game.

Since the letter was addressed to PM, I put it on his desk, but I knew exactly how this was going to play out.

See, NBM is a HUGE Brewers fan.  HUGE.  Me, I can take it or leave it, but I do enjoy a day at the ballpark.  Noelle C isn't what you'd call...aware of sports.  And Restrictions Guy, well I'm sure he'd enjoy a day at the ball park too.

A couple days after the letter arrived, NBM was rustling through PM's desk, because that's what he does to everyone's desk, he rustles, he messes up whatever he can, and then he "cleans" the desk by shoving all visible piles into  drawer.  He asks me if I'm a Brewers fan. 

Now, we all know what this means.  This means he saw the tickets, and realizes that I'm not quite the idiot he thinks I am, that I've read the letter and that I know exactly who should be getting these tickets.  I sat YES, I am.  (Well, I might not be, but I have friends who are.)  So he grudgingly hands me my two tickets.

A couple days after that, Restrictions guy comes in to the office and asks if there's a letter mentioning him.  (See, NBM tries his very, very best to keep all the employees from having conversations without him in the room.  But more on that later.)  I felt horrible, hearing this, because then I knew NBM was trying to snag the tickets from Noelle C and Restrictions guy without ever telling them about the letter.  And since he monitors every word I say to everyone at work, there was little chance I was going to blow the whistle.

Yep, there was a letter saying nice things.  Restrictions Guy pointed out that it was sort of shabby  (he didn't say shabby)  that he had to go looking for compliments when NBM took everyone opportunity to howl at him about any little thing he does wrong.

I'm not sure NBM mentioned the tickets.  Although he did post the letter on the bulletin board, buried under of bunch of negative letters, so maybe Restrictions Guy got his tickets.

Meanwhile, NBM MUST have said something to Noelle C about the tickets because Thursday Noelle C was all a twitter  (have I mentioned she's in love with him?  Oh yeah, Elsie W wasn't right about much, but she was spot on about that one.)  and came fluttering into his office to talk about baseball.

Now, Noelle C is in her fifties.  She's lived in the US her entire life.  I'm not a huge baseball fan  (American football, hockey, and figure skating are more my thing) but even I can decipher the mysteries of OUR NATIONAL FREAKING PASS TIME. I mean, how can you miss the basic points of the game with so many great baseball movies out there? 

Oh, wait, Noelle C also doesn't watch TV or movies...or read books except for the Bible and my books.  (Makes you wonder what exactly she does with her free time, doesn't it?)

Here are Noelle C's comments on what I can only assume was her very first baseball viewing experience.

"Oh NBM,"  she says in a breathy voice one normally hears only in melodramas, "I tried so very hard to watch the game, but there was just too much action happening."

(Side note:  Has anyone watched a baseball game?  There are whole stretches of the game that feel like they are in slow motion.  Even the biggest play of all, the home run, is not as fast paced as, say,  a time out in American Football.)

(Side note:  That's called the PITCHER!)

"And you know what?  All he did the whole game was throw the ball and catch the ball and throw the ball and catch the ball."

(Side note:  Yes, that's called PITCHING, and it's sort of the big part of the three main pieces of baseball.  Throw the ball, hit the ball, catch the ball.)
Then, she says this:  "I just can't believe they pay anyone millions of dollars to just throw the ball and catch the ball.  I mean, that's all he did, and he wasn't all that great at it I don't think because not too many guys could hit the ball when he threw it."     Yep, that's what she said.  Have I mentioned she makes $2 an HOUR more than I do and, not unlike Elsie W, she pretty much STINKS at her job?  (Yep, once again, I'm working for two.)  And she's confused about how a top notch baseball player makes so much money?  Sweetie, I ask myself that question about YOU every single day.  I know she figured she'd get to first base with NBM  (see what I did there with that reference?)  but the man, while he's very good at stringing her along, suffers no idiots when it comes to sports.  I'm pretty sure he's hoping I show up at the game and not her because I listen to sports talk radio all day long.
Hate to disappoint, but I am definitely NOT going to the ball game.  Hubby says they are work tickets, I should give them to someone at work.  Thing is, except for NBM and Noelle C, I really like everyone at work, and why would I make a work, friend sit next to the two reasons my work like stinks?  My plan is to give them to a friend who loves the Brewers and doesn't know my coworkers. Because anyone else is going to have to explain the finer points of the game over and over to her....you know, like why one guy gets only three pitches and one guy gets way more.   I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
Enjoy George Carlin:  The late, great master of humor, as he discusses the differences between Baseball and American Football.

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