This girl is funny...not skinny.

This girl is funny...not skinny.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Five for Friday: I should have a bull horn in my car...

Good evening!

I've never made the claim that I am an awesome driver.  I'm a decent driver who believes that there's a minimum code of conduct we all need to follow so that everyone can get from point A to point B in a safe, smooth, timely, non-road-rage-inducing manner.  Today I realized that the only way that is going to happen is if I get a bull horn and keep it in my car...and here are five very valid reasons why:

5)  Go ahead, assume we know what maneuver you're going to make without using your directionals.

One of my biggest pet peeves while driving has to be people who move around the road making turns and lane changes without bothering to use their directionals.  Oh sure, most of us know exactly what the people around us are going to do, usually just by looking at the car/driver.  (Oh, an old lady in the far right lane, and she can't see over her steering wheel...yeah, she's going to make a left turn across four lanes of traffic right about....NOW!)

If I had a bullhorn in my car, I could inform those who are not communicating nicely with other drivers when they are being morons.  I could say things like:  "NICE USE OF DIRECTIONALS DINGBAT" and the person I'm directing it to would actually hear me, and perhaps learn something from it.

4)  Forget the signs, listen to me about speed limits.
We all pretty much agree, don't we, that you just don't go insane and speed in residential areas.  I mean, there are kids and pets running around, and so I think we all agree that residential streets are not for the high speeds.


That's what the interstate is for.

Don't you hate it when you're going along with traffic on a Friday night and everyone seems to be on the same page speed wise except for two people:  The guy next to you and the guy behind you.  The guy next to you is going your exact speed in spite of the fact that ten minutes ago he was loping along at 5 under the posted limit and everyone was passing him.  Then you get behind him, and pulled around him and now he won't let you pass him.

Which is why the guy behind you, who is going a wildly inappropriately high speed, has crawled up your tailpipe and won't back off.

If I had a bull horn in my car, I could scold both these menaces to polite road society simply by saying, "IF YOU ARE GOING FASTER THAN I AM YOU ARE A MORON AND IF YOU CAN'T DRIVE A STEADY SPEED ON THE INTERSTATE GET OFF AT THE NEXT EXIT AND TAKE SURFACE ROAD UNTIL YOU FIGURE Out HOW TO DRIVE WITH OTHERS."

3) Uncontrolled intersections...and people learning to drive stick shift.  I'm not saying I had an issue...not really...

Okay, so back in college, I had to go pick up some food for a friend who injured her leg.  I didn't have a car, but she did and she said I could drive it.  One tiny little problem...it was a stick shift.  I'd driven a stick shift exactly no times in my life to that point.  Never fear, I told another friend of mine, I can just cruise through the uncontrolled intersections, you just hang out the window and yell that we're coming.  It'll be fine.

It was, and I'm sure my friend Amber recognizes herself as the lucky one who got to hang out the window and yell, "SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO STOP!  JUST LET US GO THROUGH!"

But if I had a bull horn in that circumstance, I wouldn't need Amber.  I could have just done it myself.

Now I know how to drive a stick shift, but given winter weather and the endless ways local budgets are spending plowing and salting money on other things and then get all surprised when winter shows up and they have no salt for the roads and no money to pay the plow guys, those intersections are pretty dicey.  I think having a bullhorn in my car to warn people when I can't stop would be a good thing.

2)  Some people at the ATM can't take a hint.

The average ATM  (Tyme machine) transaction takes 12 key punches and one insertion of your card.  And a full transaction takes about two minutes.  I know.  I timed it tonight on my way home.  Why did I time it?  Because the woman in front of me inserted her card 7 TIMES, pushed the buttons more times than I can count, and took away...yes, you guessed it...no cash!  however, she was able to hold up the Friday night rush to the cash machine very nicely for ten minutes.  If I had a bull horn, I'd be able to yell, "WOMAN, YOU HAVE NO MONEY.  TAKE THE HINT AND LET THE REST OF US GET OUR CASH AND ENJOY OUR FRIDAY NIGHT!"

1)  I need to communicate with my fellow drivers in a verbal way...especially the woman getting on I94 EB this morning at 7:01 AM.

We all have those moments when we wish we could hold up a sign and communicate with the driver we just passed.  Maybe we cut them off and want to apologize.  Maybe we want them to know their coat is dragging outside the door.  Or maybe, like this morning, we'd like to warn them that their snow brush is still on the trunk of their car and it will probably fly off on the interstate and kill someone behind them.  I really hope that woman could read my frantic sign language as she wheeled away from me.  A 30 inch snow brush is a weapon at 55 miles per hour.  Also, it's very funny to see someone driving around with a snow brush on top of their trunk.  But if I had a bull horn, I could have just said, "WOMAN, you left your snow brush on top of your trunk and you're going to kill someone!"

So there you go.  Have a great weekend all...I'm off for dinner with Hubby...and then who knows, maybe we'll go bullhorn shopping!

I suppose it would work for pedestrians, too, but that's another blog.

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