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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Punctuation matters and Bathroom manners

Good evening!

Warning to all you boys out there who read this blog:  This one is quite girlie. 

You've been warned!



There are times in a woman's life when she celebrates the arrival of her punctuation.

The first time she has it.

When she thinks she's pregnant....and doesn't want to be....and gets it.

Right after that baby is born...and you NEVER want to be pregnant again.  (Until the next time you want to get pregnant.)

When she's in a pre-punctuation nightmare and the only thing that will relieve the cramps, bloating, and other attractive symptoms they include in the Midol commercials is a a big old jar of "BRING IT ON."

I've been having regular punctuation sessions since I was 13 and I can tell you I honestly believe these are the only times a woman celebrates the arrival of her five day trek into punctuation.

And, should these things happen in a public place, say, in a mall, museum, school, or office restroom...the celebration is toned down a bit to possibly a quiet, "Whoo hooo..." whispered heavenward.

I also believe...and this is just me talking here...that a woman's punctuation is a fairly private thing.  You don't announce it to a room full of strangers, you dispose of the products in a modest manner, and you wear black pants for the duration.  That's how I'd write it, if I were writing a rulebook for women.

Noelle C, I found out recently, has no such rule book.

The other day, as I was sitting at my desk minding my own business, Noelle C does the potty dance across the office to the restroom.  This is nonsense.  She's 56 and she wouldn't have to do the potty dance if she'd stop announcing to the office how she NEVER USES THE BATHROOM UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY. 

Well on that day it must have been.  And, once behind closed doors, she clearly felt the need to make this announcement:

"I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!  YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME!"

Not the cleanest bathrooms...just the most private.
There are few places a loud announcement garners complete attention...but from a restroom to an outer office would be one of those places.  Lumbergh, PM, and sat there, next to my desk, waiting for her to emerge and reveal what was so amazing in the ladies room.  I've been in there.  It's not that great.  Certainly not worthy of an exclamation loud enough to break through the hum of the fan  (which covers NOTHING, which is why I have to take my lunchtime constitutional at the Pick and Save most days)  and through the door.

She emerged, looking shocked, and a little giddy.  "I'm fifty six years old...I haven't had my punctuation in twelve years.  And I got it today."

Poor Pm...poor Lumbergh...they just couldn't leave the room fast enough.

But leave they did.  Which left me to have the following conversation:

Me  "Oh?"

Noelle C  "Yep.  Got my punctuation.  Shocked me to pieces."

ME  (I wanted to say, "yes, we all heard.")  "I imagine."

Noelle C  "I haven't had my punctuation in twelve years.  I haven't had sex in more than twenty."

What's more annoying than
this?  Anything Noelle C
has to say immediately
after she's been in here.
ME;  "ummmm, okay then."  (How did we start on THIS PATH?)

Noelle C:  "And I got it today.  Very icky.  Not as icky as the time I had to give CPR to a corpse.  First thing I had to do was clean up the icky. All I had was my shirt so you know what you have to do..."

ME  (the last time she told this story she yanked up her shirt and I got to see her foundation garments.  I wasn't up for that.  I picked up the phone and dialed random numbers until it started ringing.)  "Good afternoon...this is Sarah from Stuff Installed...."

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