I haven't done a five for Friday in a while, but I do believe this one is well worth the wait. And I know it's only Tuesday, but I can't wait to share this with you!
So as you may have read, or sensed from the songs of joy blasting forth from my desk this week, Noelle C has given her two weeks' notice, and will not be with us much longer. In fact, after breaking down the vacation days she is cramming into her final two weeks, and our differing schedules, I have roughly, from this moment, 18 hours left with her.
And I do mean suffer.
On a normal week, when all is well with the world and she's not making gigantic changes in her life, Noelle C, as we know, is a bit quirky and emotional. Now, she's changing jobs, leaving her beloved Lumbergh, and I guess, moving out of her apartment.
This leads us to the top five whackadoodly awesome things she's said to me in these her final days.
5) "It's not your business where I'm going, what I'm going to be doing, what I'll be paid, how far my drive is, what my hours are, or anything. I told you I didn't want to talk about it now stop trying to pump me for information."
Her response to the question, "So I hear you're leaving us. What's your new job going to be?" And I'm not the only one she sang this sweet song to in the past couple days, either. This statement was followed by seven working hours of icy, but unwhacky, silence.
4) "What's the point of paying for any kind of insurance when you're only going to use it maybe once a year. I heard about this doctor in Minnesota or maybe Georgia who charges $35 a month and $15 a visit no matter what your ailment is and then you just pay reduced lab and treatment fees. So I'm just going to start seeing him. Car insurance, health insurance, vision, dental, you'll just go broke paying for insurance."
I didn't ask for the silence to be broken. I was perfectly happy honoring her request to be left alone. But today she decided to drop as many pearls of wisdom on me as possible, and this one was a head scratcher. Read her statement closely and think about this: She's paying $50 a month for very good medical coverage. Yes, there's a copay for office visits, and yes there are charges for labs and that sort of thing. One would say...it's a reduced charge because of the insurance. Oh, and since the insurance is taken out pretax, we don't pay income tax on it, so if I'm doing the math right...having health insurance is probably less expensive than, you know NOT having health insurance and going to this one doctor in Minnesota...or Georgia...or where ever he is.
Oh yeah, and, um, she lives in Wisconsin. So there's that.
I don't use the word "delusional" nearly often enough for this woman. Lumbergh, honestly, has been a model of patience with her, as far as he is able. He's not the most patient person. But the whole deal with this is pretty much all in her head...and very, very icky. It ranks right up there with the time she told me she was the inspiration for the cover art work to the Dungeons and Dragons magazine.
2) "I'm going to work two jobs until I'm 62 and then I'm going to work part time and kick back and I don't care what happens in this world or in this planet because I'm going to a job where I'm going to be making a lot more money, A LOT MORE MONEY, A LOT MORE MONEY, and I'm going to be training inside sales people and I'm going to be management and I'll be making a lot more money, more money than I can every begin to imagine."
This was blown out at me a couple hours after I got a very nasty email from her saying it was none of my business what she was doing with her life, and that I knew she and I had no relationship at all and therefore I should leave her alone and not talk to her. Then she dumps this stream of consciousness on me...and seriously it was one sentence. So let's analyze:
Working two jobs...okay, I can respect that. I do that. But the whole thing about the new job where she's going to be made training management and she's going to make more money than she can ever imagine...
Does anyone else think maybe she's just gotten sucked into one of those schemes were they promise you all kinds of "potential income?"
I think I was happier when she wasn't talking about it.
1) "It's just like what happened to Amanda Berry."
Now this is going to take some explaining. She went to lunch today, I guess to the Golden Arches, which is down the street and across the road from our office. She went inside to get her order. When she came out, according to her, a very large ("9 months pregnant times 2") man in a pick up truck was pulling out of his spot next to her car. He stopped his car "to watch her walk to her car and get in." She nodded to him "Like normal people do." (What would she know about what normal people would do?)
The truck then pulled out of the parking lot ahead of her. They both stopped at the lights (the one where I was crushed by a guy running a red light). She was behind the truck. He went forward across the road and she followed, but something in her brain decided to switch on because she suddenly believed he was stalking her. So she pulled into the nearest parking lot on the right side of the road and waited.
She said the truck was out of site for a few minutes, then came back out and approached the lights again. The truck got to the lights and stopped. She pulled out of the parking lot and said, "Then he turned around in his seat to look at me."
And then this is where she really goes off the rails. I was trying to figure out what she was so freaked out. The guy worked for a messenger company, according to the sign on the side of his truck. My guess is he drove up to an office at the end of the block, delivered something, then came back to the lights. Or maybe, with all the construction going on in the area, he got turned around and was looking for a street sign.
"Why do you look like you think I'm crazy?" She asks.
"Yes, but I nodded to him and then later he looked around in his seat. It's just like what happened with Amanda Berry. That guy that kidnapped her said she got kidnapped because she got into a car with a stranger."
I don't think my expression changed one bit. I didn't see the parallel between her driving behind a messenger who turned around in his seat while at a red light and Amanda Berry who was locked in a basement for ten years.
"Did you get in the car with him?"
"No. I got the hell out of there and came back to work."
Now I'm worried, because when she starts using salty language, that's when her bra makes an appearance.
"Okay then, well, I guess you' can't be too careful." And that's when I got out of there.
18 more hours....
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