Most of you who have been following this blog for some time know that I'm a devoted listener of the Bob and Brian Show here in Milwaukee. I'm especially a fan of their sports segment with Steve Czaben. I may not always agree with Steve when it comes to American Football...or the NHL...or the true importance of professional golf (There is none) but I do agree with one thing he says over and over: "It's time to leave the party when the football team arrives."
While Steve uses it as a caution to college coeds...I'd like to amend his statement a little.
When the Speedo shows up, it's time to get out of the pool.
Recently...yesterday...I started going back to Golds. I decided, after nearly a year of doctors, lawyers, specialists, appointments, and pills that I needed to do something for me. So yesterday I started going back to Golds gym.
As a side note, I was going to blog this week on how Tim McGraw and Lumbergh both made darn sure I didn't get to see Rick Springfield at Summerfest last week...but a trip to Golds made most of my rage over that incident melt away. How? Well, when I walked in to the gym, a place I hadn't been since November of last year, the first person I saw was KRAM, my some times personal trainer.
Kram saw me come and said, "Sarah Bradley!" You're back! You look great!"
I said, "No I don't. But thanks. I'm going to start looking great from now on."
And today, Kram again greeted me at the door and said, "Hey, two for two!"
I know, I'm shocked, too.
Anyway, so today I decided to hit the pool. Last year I got a new swim suit, a really cool one with shorts and a zipper and a snap at the waist that doesn't stay closed no matter what. I haven't worn it in a year.
I checked the pool for an available lane, and there was one...right on the end next to the fluffy couple who shared a lane and the very nice lady swimmer who was swimming laps quietly and minding her own business.
I got in the pool and started sort of walking/swimming. I was having a lovely time. The fluffy couple was having a lovely time. The very nice lady swimmer was having a lovely time.
Then I emerged from floating underwater and came eye to eye with it.
At this point I have to apologize. Normally I have a ton of pictures but I seem to be having technical difficulties and cannot load pictures to the blog. Sorry, you're going to just have to imagine this blonde, twenty something, tan god in a teeny tiny red speedo.
And there I was, eye level with it.
I tried to ignore him. We all did. The fluffy couple kept paddling in their lane, the swimmer lady kept swimming laps, and I kept doing whatever weird mix of swimming and not swimming I was doing.
But, much like Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" this dude was NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED!
He set all of his gear at the end of the pool. He had a kick board (he brought one from home...couldn't use the millions they have a the pool) some weird flotation thingy for his feet, two towels, a stopwatch, and a water bottle.
A water bottle.
He set all that down. Then he started walking up and down the length of the pool on the deck. Again, we were all minding our own business. So Speedo started doing something I swear I've never seen before: He started walking while slapping his feet against the deck.
It's very noisy. Everyone HAD to look at him. I mean, what kind of flipper feet do you have to have to be able to make that kind of slapping sound?
The swimmer lady cracked first. She got out of the pool.
He kept pacing, slapping his feet on the deck. Then he added some airplane moves with his arms. I've seen Olympic swimmers do this. It's looks just as goofy in real life, especially when you're slapping your feet on the deck.
I got out of the pool. Hey, I'm an observer. I had to watch this guy and I couldn't get a very good view without my glasses.
The fluffy couple held on and I give them credit. Speedo then went back to the end of the pool and began what can only be described as HE-MAN STRETCHING!
He pushed, stretched, bent, squatted, and we all held our breath. That Speedo was being moved in a lot of directions..,and there wasn't much to it.
At some point during the HE-MAN STRETCHES, fluffy couple got out of the pool and joined me at the hot tub. I thought about asking if we should get popcorn.
As Speedo was about to get into the water...a darling, tiny, older woman tottered herself into the pool and began to swim laps.
This broke Speedo's prep. He started the slap walking all over again. Little old lady kept swimming. He did his HE-MAN STRETCHES again. She kept swimming. In a sort of petty display, he kicked his pile of gear over in front of a different lane.
Little old lady kept swimming.
Finally, after some twenty minutes of parading and preening like some sort of plucked peacock, Speedo had to get into the water. And he dove in with a great splash, clearly ignoring all the DO NOT DIVE signs around the pool. And, just as quickly as he dove in, he leaped up, breaking the surface of the water and arching much like a really graceful dolphin or whale or something and he splashed back into the water all noisy and messy.
And Little old lady kept swimming.
So friends, I'm back at Golds, which means there will be fun blogging. And I now have two rules to live by: It's time to leave the party when the football team arrives and it's time for Fluffy Folk to leave the pool when the Speedo arrives.
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