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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Here's a superpower I'll bet you're going to want!

Good evening!

Every so often the idea of "What's Your Superpower?" goes around the Web.  I'm a woman, I always think women are born with superpowers no one appreciates.  We don't to fly or be invisible.  If you're a mom with multiple kids in multiple after school activities, you know you can do both.

I also never read a ton of comic books, so I'm not sure how everyone got their superpowers.  But I can say this:  As of last Saturday, I know what I want mine to be...and I think some of you out there are going to want this as well!

As most of you know, I have issues with public restrooms.  (Really?  Another crazy story from the restroom?  Why doesn't this woman just get herself sewn up and then consume nothing but clear liquids for the rest of her life and wear a "bleacher buddy?")

Fine, joke all you want, but it's not like I PLAN these things to happen.  Anyway, Saturday Hubby and I were going to Target for cat litter and a new DVD player.  (Okay, yes, we were getting cat litter and I'm writing a post about a public restroom.  Go ahead, giggle.)

As we walked into the store, I decided I would take a chance an use the Target loo.  I mean, I've been in there before, it's typically clean and usually pretty empty.  And there's plenty of room for "buffer stalls."  (And if you don't know what that is then maybe YOU'VE been sewn up and consume nothing but clear liquids!)

Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for this blog, Target was full of people that day there was a bit of a traffic jam in the area near the restrooms.  I found myself trapped behind a woman who was chatting on her cell phone.  She chatted on her way to the restroom, on her way into the restroom, on her way into the stall, as she bolted the stall door, and as she lowered her trousers and settled on the toilet!  It was quite the conversation all about Karen and OMG and I can't believe she totally said that...

Using the public restroom is hard enough for me. Knowing that I not only had Chatty Chelsea but also her phone friend occupying the stall on the other side of our buffer stall, made me quite uncomfortable.  Fortunately for me, what I was doing wasn't terribly noisy, although what Chatty Chelsea was doing...well, it WAS noisy.  And you know what?

She never said a word!  She never said to her friend, "Oh, by the way, I'm currently relieving myself at the Target while I'm talking to you about nothing important. And yes, there's someone else in here, so maybe I'll try and blame my toilet noise on her."  No, she said NOTHING!  

Remember back in the days when the cordless phone was new?  And people would say, "HEY!  I can use the bathroom and still talk to my mother without having to hang up on her very interesting story about Aunt Agatha's bunion surgery.  As long as I DON'T FLUSH and don't make any awful noises, she'll never know!"

But we all knew because, see, the bathroom has a weird echo sound no other room in the house would have. My sister in law used to talk to my husband and he'd say, "Are you in the bathroom?"  And she'd deny it, and we'd all know better. And then we'd laugh.

Well let's flash forward several years and I've got this complete stranger doing her business while chatting away as if body waste isn't hitting cold water in an echoing room.  And she's not only not denying anything, she's completely acting like she's sitting on her couch at home.

All I wanted in that moment...the super power I prayed for as I listened to her inane conversation about stupid stuff, was that I could will myself to let go of the most awesome, most powerful, most sound barrier shattering case of explosive diarhea.  Oh, how would Miss Manners two doors down cover THAT?  In that moment I wanted no other super power than the ability to explode my own bowels and shame the person on the phone.

But alas, I was not given that power in that moment and I instead had to satisfy myself by flushing a couple times, which my toilet talker ignored, so deep was she in conversation.

We reached the sink at the same time.  She was perfectly aware that I'd heard her entire conversation and witnessed the fact that she made no apology for being in the ladies' room.  She talked the entire time she rinsed her hands...I say rinsed because she did not use soap...ewww.

She left before me, mostly because I knew Hubby was just outside the door and I wanted to be able to POINT HER OUT!

LOOK!  I all but shouted, LOOK AT THAT WOMAN!  SHE NEVER STOPPED TALKING!


The only thing that would have made this better is if she HAD said something interesting.  I might not have flushed that second time.  The fact that she never stopped her chatter about NOTHING, however, is the spark that uncovered my desired superpower.

I should thank her for that.  Next time I'm in a public bathroom I'll look for her.  She'll be the one on the phone.

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