workout plan

workout plan

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Hey, Gloria Vanderbuilt, Lee, and Kohl's: I know your horrible secret!

Good evening!

I know, it's Wednesday and I haven't blogged on a Wednesday in a while.

Well, I have discovered a horrible secret...and a magnificent triumph on my part.

For the last few months I've realized that I've put on a few pounds.  We call the extra weight my stress baby because it has, graciously, all hit me in the attractive gut area.  I know what I need to do to get rid of it, but right now I am not focusing on me so much at others around me.  I'll get to it soon enough.

However, since my gut is a bit bigger than it was the last time I bought pants, I've been in a quest to find blue business casual pants that fit me.  And, since my butt and my legs have not changed at all in the stress weight gain, I am insulted to think that I'm going to be forced to buy a bigger pair of pants just because those who design pants for large women have never actually met a fluffy girl and therefore feel we all still maintain an hourglass shape of sorts.  Of course, designers for fluffy women also believe that fluffy women are just WIDE and therefore if they make tops WIDER but no LONGER, it's all just fine and dandy.  Yes, I need a bit more length to cover my gut.  I do not enjoy wearing a tent with a neck hole big enough for two.

Anyway, today as I left work I decided to stop at the Kohl's near my work.  Fun fact about this particular Kohl's.  It's September 3.  We're having the warmest three day stretch weather wise we've had all summer.  And this Kohl's has just put up their Christmas decorations.  (Yeah, don't take down you're lights, I rant until June 25.  Put up your decorations before Halloween, and I'm going to rant again.)

I got to the fluffy girls department and saw the usual collection of sad jeans (can't wear them to work) and two pairs of semi decent pants, but with waists far narrower than I'll ever fit.  (Sinfully soft my sweet aunt....Yes, I'm talking to you LEE JEANS!)  And then there were several racks of pull on pants.

Since when is it okay for fluffy girls to just give up zippers?  Was there a memo?  Did I miss it?  Because here's the problem I have with the pull on pant:  The waist looks lovely and smooth in the store.  BUT, put it on a person, let them walk around or sit a while, and the elastic folds in half...but only for half the pant.  The other half stays wide.  It looks stupid and it's uncomfortable.

Yes, I am able to wear Gloria Vanderbilt's
plus sized pants.  Why do you ask?
And oh yeah, you also know you've given up trying to zip or button pants.

I was excited a few weeks ago when I found something by Gloria Vanderbilt called "Soft pants."  They had a zipper.  Legs and butt fit like a dream.  The waist was clearly made for a woman trying to win "Smallest waist" in Guinness Book of World records.

So today I went in, wandered around the fluffy department and their four racks of sorry pants.  And I ignored the Jennifer Lopez rack entirely.  First of all, stop it Jennifer Lopez.  Second of all, those are not "soft pants."  They have a draw string.  Putting studs and rhinestones on them doesn't make them any less of sweat pants.

I made Peaches promise me that she would never let me buy a pair of pull up pants.  I'm not 80.  I can zip and button.  I'd just like to do it in a pair of pants that doesn't flap around my thighs like some sort of mainsail.  (I've been watching A LOT of pirate era movies this week since Hubby is out of town.)

Discouraged, I started to wander out of the store and in doing so I found myself some place I haven't been in a long time:  The misses department.

Fluffy girls, you know how we have four racks and a walk at Kohl's?  Yeah, That's just the misses' department CLEARANCE.  And Misses has THREE DEPARTMENTS:  Fitness, business, and casual.  We have one chubby mannequin and nine shelves of "burnout" t-shirts.  Someone explain to me why fluffy girls are being forced to wear SO MANY BURN OUT t-Shirts?

I started to stroll through the magnificent fields of clothing.  So many textures, so many styles, so many COLORS  (do you know they have YELLOW AND GREEN in Misses?  And RED...oh the lovely RED!)  and ZIPPERS....there were whole city blocks of business casual pants with ZIPPERS.  And guess what?

GUESS WHO MADE THOSE ROWS AND ROWS AND ROWS of pants with zippers:

LEE JEANS AND GLORIA STINKING VANDERBILT!

We get jeans and pull on jeans.  Skinny girls get FIVE DIFFERENT KINDS OF LEE JEANS.  I counted.  FIVE. And that's just jeans.  Lee makes relaxed, curvy, and comfort stretch OFFICE CASUAL PANTS!    Those are FLUFFY GIRL WORDS...why are the skinny girls getting CURVY casual pants?

I was enraged.  I was furious.

I was sort of wondering if I would fit into any of them.

For those of you who don't know, there is a wide world of difference between a size 16W and a size 16.  Usually the gut and butt areas are a bit more roomy.  But, it's been quite some time since I've found a pair of size 16 pants that didn't have a gut issue.  (Seriously, a few sit ups and I'll be on my way.)    So hey, I've had a lousy stupid week at the old Stuff, Installed, why not further beat down my self esteem by putting on pants that only fit to my knees?

So I picked out a couple likely pairs of 16's and a couple pairs of 18's and one pair...GLORIA STINKING VANDERBILT, of "waist slimming ponte pants."  Now I have no idea what Ponte means, but the waist slimming part of these pants was basically a heavy duty band of elastic about eight inches wide that went around the extra flabby part of our gut areas.  Oh, and it was nice, lovely, soft material.  (Hey, Skinnies, tell me again how hard it is to find pants that fit.)

I went to the fitting room  (the last stop before HELL in my life.) and I put on the first pair of pants a very dark denim casual pant, size 18 misses.

And the heavens opened and angels sang and and little blue birds fluttered around my head because these PANTS FIT!   Sure, they were the tiniest bit snug in the frontal gut area, but they fit WAY BETTER than the 16W in the SAME STUPID STYLE.  (I'm starting to hate you, LEE JEANS.)

I tried on the next pair, a pair of Lees, size 16, with a zipper and a lovely soft, cottony waistband.

This time I was denied.  Apparently one Skinny girls get the nice soft waistband that's made of sweatshirt material and designed to NOT slice you in half like a piano wire.

Then I tried on the stretch, waist slimming Gloria Vanderbilt's.

Friends, they were the single most comfortable pair of pants I've ever in my life put on.  Ever.  They made my sweatpants look like barbed wire. The waist band did actually slim me a tiny bit, without digging into my skin. The length was right and when I dropped my long shirt over it, no one was the wiser.

Yeah...I didn't buy those.

See, I made that promise and these pants were just way too close to being pull on pants.
Sure, they were amazing.  But hey, if I got that comfortable in pants at work...I might want to keep wearing those pants at work... and stay at work...and wear those pants.

The sick, sad part of this all is that I found all these amazing pants in the MISSES department.  I am clearly a plus sized woman.  No one would ever mistake me for anything else.  BUT...I found three pairs of pants that fit me BETTER than those in the plus department. And yes, I had to go up a number.

But I got to drop the dreaded W.

And, I got to uncover a horrible secret:  Kohl's, Lee Jeans, and Gloria Vanderbilt do not give a snotty sneeze about the 52% of women who purchase plus sized clothing.  There are MILES of racks at Kohl's for the less than fluffy.  The fluffy are relegated to the back of the store  (for extra exercise I'm sure) and given maybe half an aisle.

So I'm putting a call out to LEE JEANS and GLORIA VANDERBILT AND KOHL'S:

1)  Stop treating plus sized women like we are criminals who need to wear nothing but tents and jeans and pull up pants.  WE ARE HUMANS AND WE LIKE PRETTY THINGS AND CHANCES ARE WE HAVE JUST AS MUCH MONEY AS SKINNY WOMEN.

2) Kohl's:  START CARRYING DANA BUCHMAN IN PLUS AGAIN.  I thought you stopped carrying her altogether.  And I stumbled upon a CITY BLOCK OF NOTHING BUT BUCHMAN in MISSES.  We as a fluffy nation do not like Jennifer Lopez.  Stop making us wear her crappy studded clothing.

3)  LEE JEANS AND GLORIA VANDERBILT.  I have been a loyal customer of yours for more than 20 years.  STOP SCREWING WITH ME.  MAKE PLUS SIZED PANTS THAT FIT PLUS SIZED WOMEN.  I do NOT NEED A SIZE 22 pant, the legs and butt are MASSIVE ON ME. I could make a blazer out of the excess.  BUT, since my waist will only FIT in a size 22...I'm not going to buy from you people.

AND FINALLY:

FLUFFY WOMEN!  GET YOURSELVES OVER TO THE MISSES DEPARTMENT...SCARE AWAY THE SKINNIES AND TRY on SOME PANTS!  They are CHEAPER, THEY ARE cuter, THEY ARE MORE COMFORTABLE....and THEY ARE CHEAPER!  (How is that even possible?)


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