Disclaimer: Today's blog, like all others, is meant to be funny. I do not truly believe that Oprah Winfrey has the capability to eat all of the Weight Watchers frozen meals in the country. I do, however, believe she has the power to send her minions to my house and make me disappear.
Oprah, please don't send your minions to my house. And also, please touch the cover of just one of my books. I believe you, Oprah, have the power to make my sales skyrocket simply by touching one of my covers..or even saying the name of one of my titles. Come on Oprah, just say it: "Missing in Manitowoc."
In Oprah's name, amen.
Some several weeks ago, Oprah Winfrey began a partnership with Weight Watchers. You've seen the ads, Oprah's sitting there, talking about weight loss and how great Weight Watchers is.
We've been down this road with Oprah before, and I think if it proves noting else, I believe Oprah's struggles with weight proves that it's nearly impossible to lose and keep weight off. If the wealthiest, most powerful woman in the world can't keep it off, what hope do the rest of us have?
But I give this to her, Oprah does not give up.
So that end , she's with Weight Watchers and doing TV spots talking about the joy and losing weight with the points system.
What's the easiest way to make sure you're doing a diet the right way? Well, eat the food with the diet company's name on it. And aren't we lucky, Weight Watchers has a line of foods that are point savvy for those of us serious about counting our points and staying with the program.
I'm not exactly what you'd call a fanatic about points...or indeed any diet that doesn't have melted cheese as a cornerstone of the weight loss plan. Hey, I'm a Dairy State girl. I gotta have my 16 kinds of cheese on a grilled cheese sandwich. It just is what it is.
And as a side note, why are we suddenly putting tomatoes on grilled cheese sandwiches? I never had to do anything but order the triple gooey sandwich and they would bring it to me. (Yes, I order grilled cheese in restaurants.) NOW, in the last couple years, I've had to say, "No tomato." And of course I wind up picking the tomato off the thing because no matter where I'm eating or what I tell them , no one remembers to leave the tomato off the sandwich.
I mean, tomato and cheese sandwich, yes, is a good idea. Tomato and HOT cheese sandwich is a terrible idea. HOT TOMATO? EEEEEEWWWWWWW. And let's be honest, the inside of a tomato is sort of an unfinished, unformed pile of slimy goo that, when heated, breaks down into some sort of gritty, slimy seed infested, bitter acid sort of unpleasentness. Why would you put that in the middle of a gooey volcano of dairy lava?
Wait, where was I? Oh, right, Oprah.
So anyway, Weight Watchers has all these different foods, all carefully calculated on their points scale. I'm partial to some of their frozen foods, the "smarts Ones." I especially like the egg and cheese breakfast sandwiches. Not the ones with turkey sausage or bacon, I like to ease up on the processed meats sometimes and just have a quick breakfast that tastes good. I like these little sandwiches.
My other favorite thing is the the Snack Size Fudge Bars. These are really, really delicious, and at 45 calories each, don't break the bank on the guilt level. Now they make a GIANT size fudge bar, but I find that the snack size is just right and while there are 2 bars per serving with the snack, I can usually be good with one.
These two items are sort of hard to find. I don't know if they're always sold out or only certain stores sell them, but it seems like if I can find them at all, I wind up having to buy a couple boxes at a time
because who even knows when you'll see them again?
And that was BEFORE OPRAH.
Now, and I'm not making this up, since Oprah started shilling for Weight Watchers, it's difficult find ANY Weight Watches meals or snacks anywhere. The Smart Ones shelf in the freezer section always seems to be in some sort of state of nearly empty disarray. If you find anything on the shelf at all, it won't be the breakfasts, those are ALWAYS gone. There might be a few boxes of black bean tacos or something, but nothing you'd want to grab for a quick breakfast.
And let's even forget about the snack size anything.
My friend Linda says she can't even GET to the Smart Ones section in her grocery store because when she's there, even if the store isn't crowded, there's always someone just parked in front of that particular door. So if the egg and cheese or the snack size items are in there, she can't get to them.
I mean, this is good for Weight Watchers and all, but I can't help feeling there's one big reason I can't find my two favorite items.
So I'm putting it out there.
Come on Oprah...how about leaving some of the Weight Watchers food for the rest of us? I mean, I'm fluffy too, and I don't have my own chef. I actually do HAVE to eat the frozen meals to get the points right. How about not buying up ALL the Smart Ones just because you're, you know, Oprah, and you can?
Could you maybe...just...you know...leave a box or two the egg and cheese sandwiches and the snack size fudge bars in one of the six stores I go to to find just those two items?
I'm a fluffy girl. I should not be eating anything called "GIANT' anything. A snack size is just right. Please leave a box or two for me someplace. And I really should eat a breakfast that isn't two Eggo Waffles slathered in butter and syrup. (mmmmmmm....Eggo waffles.....)
Maybe it's not Oprah. Maybe it's all of Oprah's disciples who think if they eat what Oprah's eating they'll be like Oprah or something. Maybe there are tens of thousands of women all over the world simply hoarding Smart one's Egg and Cheese breakfast sandwiches because when Oprah takes over the world they have to be ready and they'll need a protein packed breakfast that doesn't involved turkey sausage. (Turkey sausage is not good. Don't know if you picked up on that or not.)
So if that's the case then I have a message for those people: STOP IT! Weight watchers will make more. Stop buying 10 boxes of the snack size bars. (Seriously, some of you are not fooling anyone. We know you're not stopping at one small bar. just buy the giant ones and leave the snack sized ones for those of us who have sated our appetites with melted cheese and just need a palate cleanser.)
And finally I'm going to make a plea to Weight Watchers: Stop rationing! These two items sell out all the time...MAKE MORE! For the love of all that's holy, MAKE MORE!
Well, now I'm off to eat half a GIANT bar. Or I'll probably eat the whole thing because who puts half a fudge bar back in the freezer? And then I'll feel guilty. And the only way to ease that guilt is to bury it under another fudge bar.
Which is not good for me. I don't think it matter if it's Weight Watchers or not, if you're eating TWO Giant Bars, you're not going to lose weight.
So see, Oprah? See Weight Watchers? You're the reason I'm still fat.
There. I feel better about myself. I'm feeling so good about myself, I'm going to go get an ice cream bar.
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