I feel the need

I feel the need

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Woodman's and my favorite episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond." Can you see all the similarities?

Good morning!

It isn't often that I write a Tuesday blog, mostly because Tuesdays are not historically good for me and I try to stay out of the way of pretty much everything that could hurt me:  pointy things, cars, computers, socks...

Anyway, yesterday something happened and I have to rant about it because even now, the next day, I'm still furious.  But here's the "Todd and Tom" warning:  This is going to deal with certain female issues and if you're going to be offended by that...or if you're going to just say, "Oh it's because she's PMS-ing" then stop reading now and never speak to me again.

Okay, let's begin.

I like grocery shopping.  I especially enjoy it at Woodman's where the aisles are wide and the selection is always surprising.  The produce is not great...I go to Sam's Club or Brennan's for that most of the time, but otherwise, Woodman's is a great grocery store where I can find everything I need at a good price.

Until yesterday.

The last several weeks I've been retaining a bit of water weight.  How else would you explain four to five workouts a week, walking 12000 steps a day, drinking 64 plus ounces of water, and still gaining 7 pounds in the last two weeks?  Water weight. So I decided that yesterday while at the grocery store, I'd get some water pills along with other female punctuation items.

I should also mention that my right hip has been giving me grief, partially due to the increased difficulty I set for myself in weight training and treadmill work. I find if I walk on solid ground for an extended period of time, I get a pretty severe pain in my upper back hip and along the side of my thigh.  But no worries yesterday...I was just going grocery shopping for a few things.

Right.  We wouldn't be here if I found everything and went home with no pain and all was well.

I filled my cart with the food items I needed except for the produce, (I needed small green onions for a recipe), and I headed over to health and beauty to find my water pills and other female punctuation items.

Water pills are typically found with other diet pills and diet foods, so that's where I started. Here's what I found:

4 different kinds of protein "MUSCLE MILK" powder.
Slim quick for men.  (Wasn't this supposed to be the breakthrough diet thing for women?)
80 square feet of protein bars with male hikers on the wrapper.

No water pills.

Okay, I thought, no worry. I'll just go over to "Feminine Care" and they'll be there. That makes sense, after all, to put all the feminine items in the feminine care aisle.

Ya know what's in the Feminine Care aisle at Woodmans?  Adult diapers for men.  Also, condoms and pleasure gels "FOR HIM."  Ya know what's not there?  WATER PILLS!

Well there's one more place they "could be."  They could be with the Midol, Pamparin and other female punctuation symptom relievers in the pain relief aisle.  I mean, it's a stretch, but it's not unheard of.  So, my hip starting to pound because now I've been hiking through Woodman's expanses for forty minutes, I head to the pain relief aisle. 

Know what's there?  

Six kinds of pills expressly for migraine sufferers, fourteen kinds of PM pain relievers, three different brands of pills for urinary pain and FOUR.....count then FOUR kinds of pain pills for restless leg syndrome.  

Know what's NOT THERE?  

No Pamparin. No Midol. NO WATER PILLS!

Not a one.  None. No female punctuation fain relievers AT ALL.

Well, this can't be, I tell myself. So, my hip and lower back now on fire because I'm dragging a full grocery cart around the store, and my skin is on fire because I'm in the middle of an allergy issue and if I sweat it makes the itching and burning worse, I retrace my steps.  Diet aisle:  No, nothing.

Feminine care aisle: Nothing.

Pain reliever:  nothing.

I look at the big Woodman's clock and realize I've been on this quest for more than an hour at this point. I've put on 2500 steps in the store (good) and I'm limping to the point where people are starting to stare. (Not so good.)  I'm also, I think, talking out loud, hence more staring, because...yes...I could do with a good dose of the punctuation symptom reliever and the rage is building.

I should mention, I don't PMS like most women. I have that high powered "I'm going to kill someone if I don't get chocolate and an episode of 'Grey's Anatomy' RIGHT NOW" PMS.  And I never seem to remember that I get it because it's a surprise when it hits.  Like when I'm standing in the pain reliever aisle at Woodman's muttering "You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!  WHAT KIND OF SEXIST OPERATION IS THIS PLACE?"

Okay, maybe I wasn't muttering. Maybe I was talking out loud...maybe I was talking a little louder than just 'out loud.'

I did a third lap around the football field that is the health and beauty department in Woodman's and came up with nothing.   At this point I was sweating, my skin was burning, my hip and thigh were crippled, and I was full on into PMS rage.  I approach the checkout, which thankfully isn't loaded with other customers, and I have a little bit of an out of body experience.  Here's how it goes:

"Hi, did you find everything okay?"  This is the chirpy check out girl.

"No, I did not."  This is me.

"Oh what didn't you find?"

"I didn't find any water pills, Midol or Pamparin."

This is where the clerk's eyes would glaze over and he, because it's a he I'm waiting for in line, would assume it's all because I'm a woman...and I have PMS.  And that's why I'm in a rage.

No, I think, returning to my body after these thoughts, I'm in a rage because what I'm looking for are basic things that should be in a grocery store.  

And then I was reminded of my favorite "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode. (Go ahead, watch the clip.)  I realized that no matter how I explained to the clerk, he'd just look at me like I'd lost my mind, I was a nutty female.  If I told him what I couldn't find, he'd go back to the break room and say, "Oh wow, you would NOT believe the woman who came through my line today. Couldn't find water pills and midol and lost her mind!"

Because...as Debra points out to Ray...there's nothing in this store for BITCHY.

So I bit my lip. I didn't wig out on the clerk, because I'm sure he's a nice guy.  I should also point out that Woodman's clerks aren't chirpy. They're too busy for that nonsense.  I got through the line I got home and I slumped in a chair watching "House MD" on Netflix because I've seen all the 'Grey's Anatomy' and everyone on House is way sicker than I could ever feel, which made me feel a bit better.

Oh, and you know where there is plenty of stuff for bitchy?  Walgreens.  Yeah, two brands of water pills. Almost sold out  (they are now!) but they're there.

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