Water Aerobics Instructor vs. Newton's First Law of Physics.

Good morning!

I know it's been a week. Believe me, Dee has been on my case about not blogging!  But with the holiday weekend in there, oddly enough, nothing terribly hilarious happened to me.

And then I went to water aerobics again.

Let me just start off by saying that I owe Dee a HUGE thank you.  Had she not sacrificed her body to get my fat fanny into the pool yesterday, 1)  I would not have this blog this morning, and 2)  I would not be so ridiculously sore, that I know I must be making headway toward my goal of losing 70 pounds before May 1.

Now, to refresh everyone's high school or college Physics course  (Which I passed my freshman year in college only because of a great convergence of 1) a physics prof who gave points for any answer involving the word "beer," 2) my friend Todd, who is brilliant and changing pop song lyrics to involve the word "beer" and 3)  my friend Lee, without whose help I would never have managed a passing grade in Physics.)  let's discuss Newton's first Law of Motion:

Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.

Apparently the water aerobics instructor from last night, I'll call her Fran, because she wasn't Nan, is not familiar with Newton's first law of motion.  I say this because, as a warm up, she had us jogging and swinging our arms,  (underwater, of course) and just when we were getting a full head of steam, she'd yell, "STOP AND REVERSE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!"

To illustrate just how hopeless this was, let me rephrase Newton's First Law of Motion:

Every fat woman moving in one direction in a swimming pool is going to keep going in that direction in the pool because the instructor's yelling is not enough of an external force to stop the motion of the floating fat.

Had a water aerobics instructor's shout been enough force to stop and reverse and massive floating body, James Cameron would never have gotten his Oscar.  (Think about it for a minute, you'll get it.)

I think my favorite instruction of the night, however, came at one of the many moments when we were jogging in place.  (Instead of suspended jumping jacks, this instructor had us jog.)  Here we are, jogging in place, and then Fran shouts, "GO FASTER! FAST! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAST!  At your own pace."

Sometimes blogs just write themselves.

We did work with the dumbbells of death.  I really could do without those things.  And I felt bad for Dee, who had already done an hour with her stalker/personal trainer.  (Their relationship is a whole blog itself.) Her arms were already sore.  But, to her credit, she didn't bring the class to a HALT because Fran was concerned for her well being.

That honor, my friends, belongs to me.

Yes, in a pool full of the aging, I was the one who, in a moment of pause, caught Fran's eye and got the, "Oh wait, are you okay?"

Then it was noodle time.  My previous experience with the noodle  (you know, that one other class I attended) was positive.  Hey, it's not the dumbbells of death.  Score a big point for the noodle.

Except Fran is no Nan and her noodle workout did not involve floating and Esther Williams dance moves.  No, Fran instructed us to SURF ON OUR NOODLES.

Let me see if I can paint a picture for you:  We were to push the noodle down far enough so we could stand on it.  THEN, we were to bring our knees up enough so that the noodle was off the bottom of the pool.  THEN, using our arms, we were to surf around the pool.

I am proud to say I was not the only one who FELL OFF THE NOODLE.

I was just the first one. 

Everyone else fell off because they were laughing so hard at me they lost their concentration.  Hey, it's not everyone who can get a water aerobics instructor to belly laugh.

The darling old man next to me in the lane caught my noodle and handed it to me. 

The water aerobics prayer circle, praying Sarah recovers from her noodle crash.

At the very end, Fran asked us what were three things we were thankful for.  The girl behind me said, "I'm just happy I made it through this class."

SOUL SISTER!

My thing was I was thankful that Dee showed up because I was really hoping to skip out last night, and then I would have missed the comedic gold that is me in the pool with foam floaty things.

In closing, I should say this: It has not been my intention to blog exclusively about my trials at the gym.  However, it does seem that's where the funny has been lately.

Now, I have some aspirin to mainline before I get to my workout after work.