This girl is funny...not skinny.

This girl is funny...not skinny.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Where's the moisture wicking article of clothing for this?

Good evening friends!

Again, I apologize for not checking in more often this month.  I'm working feverishly on my first draft of "Fresh Ice" as well as blocking my Elsie W book.  (By the way...have you voted?)  November will be worse since I've just signed myself up for NaNoWriMo  (National Novel Writing Month.)  The idea is to complete a novel in a month.  Why they picked November, one of the socially busiest months in the year...I do not know.  But I am determined to get two books out by Christmas...okay, Valentine's day at the latest, so I must, as they say, sally forth.

However, I have to pause and share with you a problem I'm sure many people, fluffy women especially, have.

There are parts of my body that are simply never, ever dry.

Okay, I'll give you a minute to get your minds out of the gutter.

Thank you.

As we age, ladies, gravity stops being our friend.  Everything gets pulled downward, which means there are portion of our body that are covered by other portions of our body...and therefore these covered portions don't get the sweet drying relief of a soft breeze because...well, these are portions that really, no one wants to see out in a soft breeze.

You've got to have friends...
friends who know where to get
good supportive moisture
wicking bras.
When I was in college, one of my favorite milk through the nose comedy routine was of the Bette Midler talking about taking the pencil test on her upstairs female bits.  The theory was that you could go without foundation garments if you stuck a pencil under your breast and it fell out.  I believe Divine Miss M shared that she stuck a wing backed chair in there and it stayed. 

See, it was funny because I was thin and had a small upstairs.  Now I'm fluffy, and two kids (and countless bags of Cheetos) later, I'm hitting wing back chair status.  Which means there are large portions of my upper gut that are not getting dried by a cool breeze.

But it all evens out...because a liquid mass will fill the space it's put in, and thusly my gut drifts downward toward my knees, hanging gently over my undergut...for lack of a better term, and putting yet more acreage of skin in the moist dark of my flab.

I could live with that, except for one thing...skin that stays moist tends to get rashy and itchy and not so pretty.  Think athlete's foot...under the mammaries.

So I hit the stores to find undergarments that will magically wick away the moisture.  (I hit the stores to find undergarments that will magically make my body think it's been to Gold's gym four times a week so it weighs 140 pounds...but I haven't found that product yet.)  I've tried sports bras, but here's the secret about athletic clothing...

THEY DON'T MAKE WORK OUT CLOTHES FOR FAT PEOPLE.

I'm not making this up.  Go look in the plus size department of any store...sure there are T's and sweats...but not work out clothes.  It's like...if you're heavy, it's assumed you're going to wear the workout clothes for lying on the couch, so why bother making anything fashionable or pretty?  Or supportive?  (that's what the couch is for, right?)  Go to the sporting goods store and look for a plus sized sport bra.  NOT HAPPENING.  I know, I've looked.

Okay, so if I am a fluffy girl, and I want to work out, I'm relegated to the ugliest clothing in the world....the sweat pants with the elastic band at the ankle.  These pants say one thing:  I'm afraid I might sneeze and lose a cookie down my trouser leg, so I'm binding the cuff.

And if you want to jog, but you have a bit of back fat...for get it.  If you have massive missiles, but no back fat, you can get your pick of jog bras.  (I know: Hubby's workout regimen includes reading "Runner" magazine and they go into tremendous detail about good supportive jog bras.  Just not for the fatties.)

So back to my original problem:  I have not been able to find anything that will wick away moisture from glacial fat covered areas.  I've tried powders, I've tried lying naked on a bed and holding my fat pouches up while a fan blows on me.  Believe me, it's not nearly as sexy as it sounds. 

Short of hanging upside down from one of those anti-gravity things, I'm not sure what to do.


Don't mind me...I'm just drying my undergut.  Get in line..
The blonde is next, but then it's your turn!

So hey, wanna make a million bucks?  Try designing some workout clothing for plus sized girls that 1)  Doesn't cost as much as a Vera Wang wedding dress and 2) actually wicks away moisture from those covered areas.

Oh, and a pair of really comfy, sexy sweat pants wouldn't be bad either.

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