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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Some things should just stay in the privacy of one's blog!

Good evening!

I am happy to report, my friends, that I have completed my word goal for "Stupid."  I am at 30,000 words, where I thought I would be when the first draft was completed.  Here's the thing:

I'm about halfway through my outline for the book.

What this means, my friends, is that I must rely on your patience a while longer.  "Stupid" won't be out for Christmas, mostly because Elsie continues to give me amazing material every single day.  I do plan on being done with it and having it out during the winter months yet, so please stay tuned.

In the meantime:

Ladies...you know that uncomfortable itch you get every once in a while?  You get it from wearing a swimsuit all day, or nylon panties, or maybe using toilet paper that leaves pieces behind?  Well I had that recently and my usual treatments of taking an acidolphilus tablet and ignoring it until it went away didn't work.  Which means I had to go to my local All-green's to purchase something a bit more medicinal.

Now clearly I'm not a person who is easily embarrassed.  At least, not in the world of blogging.  I've spent many hours regaling you all with my feminine punctuation issues, my unwillingness to dirty a glass, and pretty much every moment I've spent at Gold's gym.  (which reminds me:  Dee convinced me to sign up for another body challenge.  Will I post the embarrassing "before" picture on this blog?  Only if the "after" picture makes me look something like Catherine Bell.)

There's something about this itchy issue, however, that will make even the boldest of women whisper.  I've been in a group of women that have been shouting out the most intimate, gory details of their labor and delivery, but conversation will silence if someone whispers  "You know...I've been having some...feminine itching lately."

So late one night last week, under cover of darkness, I decided I needed to run down to my local All-greens and pick up a tube of something.  The errand actually started out as Hubby running back a copy of "The Town" to the local video store.  (Never did watch it.  Just forgot to.)  Well, I just can't be that cruel to Hubby to make him have to buy something I'm not even able to pronounce.

Thing is, it was late.  I was already in my jammies.  But ladies, you know, when you need something like this, you need it.  So I slipped on my stylish pink Merell clogs and got in the car.  Oh yeah, Peaches came along because, well, she wanted a reason to get in the car late at night.

We dropped off the movie and headed to the All-greens.  As we got out, I said, "Here I am, breaking my number one fashion rule:  I'm wearing lounge pants in public."

Peaches said, "The only thing that will make this more funny is if Tick Nelson is working."

I should explain Tick.  Tick is a boy who was Skippy's best friend in first grade and then, over Christmas break, turned into Eddie Haskel.  Tick is now 18 and works evenings at yes, you guessed it, our local All-greens.  I'm sure he's a lovely boy now, but he still looks like Eddie Haskel and, since I have to see him in church on a regular basis, I wasn't all that excited about the fact that 1)  I was in my jammies and 2)I was about to buy something with the words "Anti fungal" in the title.

Sure enough, there he was, right at the check out counter.  "Good evening Mrs. Bradley,"  he said in that sugary sweet voice that I've known since the boy was five.

Crap.

I sent Hubby and Peaches into All-greens to find something, anything to purchase to cover what I was really buying.  As if buying large amounts of crap would cover the tiny tube.  Wouldn't you know it...the ONE time neither of them needed a single thing.

I slunk my jammied self to the feminine aisle where I found several products that would suffice.  However, I was at war with myself.  Did I want to purchase the high priced, euphemistically titled item, or did I want to save 50% and go through the humiliation of buying the store brand that shouted out "ANTI FUNGAL TREATMENT FOR YEAST INFECTIONS!"

I am, first and foremost, frugal.  Besides, I knew, even as I bought three bags of candy  (don't judge me on how much I spent to save myself $4.)  to cover up my real purchase, that THIS was going to be a good blog post.

My courage wavered, I'm not going to lie, as I approached the counter.  Tick addressed me pleasantly, ignoring the howls of muffled laughter emitting from the hand covered mouths of Hubby and Peaches.  I managed to get through the encounter without making any eye contact, an odd experience for me.  ( I don't have this much trouble when I'm buying the BIG BOTTLE of Jack Daniels and a former Sunday School student is working the checkout lanes.)

Maybe I'm old fashioned.  Maybe I believe there should be a woman on every shift at All-greens so that I don't have to suffer this shame outside the privacy of my blog.

Maybe I'll just eat more yogurt.

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