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Saturday, June 9, 2012

Five for Friday: Clothing choices I'd like to recall.

Good morning!

So this past week the entire state of Wisconsin was in a mental flurry about the recall election of the Governor.  With record turnouts at voting places, many of us spent a lot more time doing what usually 1)  Only happens about twice a year at best and 2) generally takes four minutes, if you include two minutes of pleasant chit chat with the poll workers.

I spent almost an hour in line to vote, and I'm not here today to talk about politics, I'm here to talk about a few fashion trends I'd like to recall.  These are all things people wore while standing in line waiting to vote on Tuesday.

Let me start by saying I'm not a fashionable person.  I don't read fashion magazines and I only watch "Project Runway" out of a twisted sense of schadenfreude.  But summer is coming and I would hate for any of us to ruin these precious days outside by wearing...

Red-T and sparkly skirt...I
like your spunk, but it's a no.!







So here's a quick list of summer wear I'd like to recall:

1)  Words on butts.

Unless you are between the ages of 16 and 18, are a girl, and are actually coming from a sporting event, you should not have words written on your butt.  And only, if those are the circumstances, should the words be something related to your team name or sport.  Words like "Juicy"  "Sweet" or "Hot to Trot,"  are a big no no, especially for the 7-12 year olds out there and their equally creepy counterparts;women over 32.

a Sub category to this would be words on underwear, or wearing pants that reveal your underwear.  Standing in line to vote, I was behind a young father who played with this darling 2 year old daughter.  He picked her up and put her down endlessly while waiting to vote.  However, that meant he was bending a lot, which means, since we live in a culture where no one can apparently feel a draft on their butt cracks when they bend of squat, I got to see quite a bit of his underwear.  Navy blue, with Kiwi fruit.  See, I shouldn't know anything about the underwear the guy in front of me is wearing.

Friends, before leaving home, do a squat test in front of a family member.  If they can see butt crack or underwear, go back to your room and try again.

2)  Lounge pants in public.

Oh sure, I've been guilty of this.  BUT I WAS GETTING THE MAIL.  Lounge pants are okay if you are running in to a truck stop at 4 AM after a long driving vacation.  They are NOT okay if you are a 40 year old  man standing in line at a bank.  Cartoon characters are great, and whimsical on a t-shirt.  They are just sad on pants.

3)  Tube top/no bra look.

If you are over the age of 35, over a B cup, or overweight a bra, ladies, is a "Don't leave home without" piece of clothing.  Tube tops are right out.  Period.  Don't even ask no matter what age you are.  And I know, believe me, what a pain a sweaty bra can be on a hot summer night at a concert.  BUT...understand that those around you will mentally thank you for NOT subjecting them to thought that your girls could, at any moment, come flying out from over the top of the tube top or...worse yet...out from under your shirt.  (Hey, I'm in my mid forties...that's a very real possibility.

4)  shorts/mini skirts

Double whammy no-no!
Ladies, I'm not in the greatest of shape, and I'll admit that.  So I've pretty much given up the whole shorts/mini skirt thing at a young age.  But even if you are in tip top shape, if you are over the age of 40  you need to really, really think about what, exactly, you are revealing when you wear short shorts and mini skirts.

Our knees are not pretty under the best of circumstances.  Why would we want to force strangers to stare at them?

I also want to address the idea of a skort.  For those of you who don't know, skorts are shorts encased in a short skirt.  Seems like  a great idea, especially if you want to look sort of dressy but don't care to sit like a lady all afternoon.

Here's something I learned the hard way about skorts.  The shorts part rides up...and when you sit in a chair and think your lady bits are all protected by the shorts, they fail.  The entire world then gets to see what weird, super pale area of your thigh that never sees the light of day...or a razor.  If you must wear a skort, remain standing at all times.

But for those of us over the age of, let's say, 45, or perhaps over a size 12 dress, let's focus on NOT showing the world our pocket linings because our shorts are too short.  Capris and skimmers are cool enough for summer.

Oh and guys...short shorts on guys are simply a no no.   Unless you're actually running in a marathon, get those nice knee length cargo deals.   As much as you might like the idea of a woman's naughty bits being accidentally revealed due to too short clothing...we women...we just aren't that interested in seeing your random naughty bits popping out.

5)  Shoes

This is a really new item to the list, inspired by a woman standing next to me in line.  I know flip flops are now perfectly acceptable in all social situations.  I'm find with that.  Fuzzy bedroom slippers, however...



Let's think about this for a moment.  It's 5 PM on a Tuesday.  You're going to vote.  You get up from where you are, you put on your tube top  (she was wearing one) and your cartoon short shorts  (Ditto...)  and you FORGET TO PUT ON SHOES?

Well yes, thank goodness she keeps her bedroom slippers in her car.  And I'll you...it really did round out her ensemble.

As a parting note, and I can't believe I even have to mention this...

Moms...yes, you are going to be spending a lot of time at city pools with the kids this summer.  But NO...it is never okay to then go to a public place like a library, a grocery store, or VOTING  (and the city pools weren't even open on Tuesday) wearing your swimsuit top and a pair of shorts.   18 year old girls who live on the beach don't even try that.   Put on a t-shirt and a pair of sweat shorts over the suit and then  run errands.  Otherwise, use a drive through.

Now, if you follow these simple rules of fashion, we can all have fun and yo you won't find yourself the topic of a middle aged woman's rant.

Let's have a great summer!

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