Size apparently matters when you want to cancel HBO.

Good evening!

As many of you know, I'm a fan of the TV show Friends.  I'm reminded tonight of the episode where Ross and Chandler wanted to quit their gym, but couldn't figure out how because every time they tried, the gym made it difficult.

Don't worry, Golds, I don't want to quit you.  I just haven't been there in a while, but I haven't quit!

No, I called my DirecTV people because I am nearly at the end of my free 3 months of HBO/Showtime/Cinemax...you know, all those movie channels that run movies you already have seen or own.  And I love Showtime's original programs.  But I love them more streaming on Netflix or on DVD...when I don't have to wait a week for a new episode.

So I called DirecTV today and I said "I want to cancel the premium channels."

I got Zach, a young fellow with a Texas accent.  Just my luck, I thought.  Usually I get Lolita from the Philippines who speaks almost no English.

By the end of the phone call, I was aching for Lolita.

Zach's first response was, "Really?"

"Yes," says I .

"But don't you watch the premium channels?"

"No," says I .

"Don't you like the original programming?"

"Yes," says I, "but it's not as convenient as netflix or my local video store and in a week it's going to be four times as expensive.  I want to cancel the premium channels!"

"But..." and then Zach went into a long description of the many facets of programming I would be missing if I cancelled the premium channels.

"Zach."  I said.  I repeated him name six times before he stopped for a breath.  "I WANT TO CANCEL THE PREMIUM CHANNELS!"

He then put me on hold for a moment.  When he came back he said I was all set.  And then, and I have no idea how this happened, maybe because I asked for an up to date channel guide  (the one they gave us is horribly outdated)  I don't know, but then he said, "Do you have a high def TV?"

"Yes."

"How big?"

"I don't know...42, 45 inches.  I have no idea."

"Well mine is 60 inches."

Silly girl...don't you know...Zach's TV is bigger!

I kid you not.  Zach was getting into a size contest with me.    He then went on to regale me with how many Disney movies he acquired from eBay on Bluray.  I wanted to ask if he had children or was just a creepy guy who watched kids movies, but I didn't...because he didn't let me get a word in.  He then went on to talk about how much he paid for his TV  ($1000)  and how he'd put a lot of stuff into the TV  (movies, games, blu ray players, another $500)  and then he talked about the really, really obscure Disney movies he loved.    (Bed knobs and Broomsticks, I remember...but not the Incredible Mr. Limpet.)

From there we went on to talking about how everything Liam Neeson has done since "Taken" has been blah and how Kristen Stewart has one facial expression.  I have no feelings one way or another about either actor, I just wanted to be sure my premium channels were canceled.

After 22 minutes of movie reviews, Zach finally informed me that we were all set, and that my premium channels were canceled.

And...his TV is bigger than mine.