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Friday, June 13, 2014

Five for Friday: Adventures of Captain NUBBIN!

Good morning!

Most of you remember that I've renamed my Boss.  We no longer call him NBM  (New Boss Man) here.  I mean, he's been my boss for almost three years.  He's not exactly rocking that new boss smell anymore.

Now we call him Captain Nubbin!  Why Captain Nubbin?  Fans of "Friends" will recognize the term as the word they used to describe Chandler's third nipple.  Connecting the dots, you'll realize that yes, I work for a man who is as useful to the business as a third nipple.

This week was especially super Nubbin-y and I knew, by Wednesday, what my Five for Friday was going to be.  

So, without further explanation, here we have it:  Five for Friday:  The Adventures of Captain Nubbin!

5)  Stop trying to use economics and logic, no one goes home early for any reason!

So Captain Nubbin decided, after those of us who live and die by the jacked up/semi illegal phone and  internet in our office, to change phone and internet services.  But, CN being CN, he was not as interested in good service as he was in "best deal."  (This is a guy who locks up the pens in a cabinet.  NGTJ and I bring our pens from home.)  Since he's really only interested in the bottom line, things like...quick, efficient, CORRECT installation becomes less of a priority.

Thusly, installation of our new internet/phone service, something that takes ten minutes for most people, is now, as we speak, entering it's third week.  

At some point last Friday, during the second attempt at installation, the Mensa Member doing the installation from "Joe's SUPER LEGAL INTERNET" disconnected the phones and the Internet.  And he disconnected them so completely that, according to NGTJ, it was HOURS of dead air, dead phone, dead internet.

In case you've forgotten, her job and mine are 99% making calls and entering information on the company database on the internet.  In short... she was sitting at her desk, doing NOTHING.  She thought, hey, it's Friday.  It's in the afternoon.  We close at 5 anyway, maybe I can go home.  So she tried to locate CN, who was sitting in PM's office, chatting.  (Yes, CN does not have to obey his own rule about chatting in the office. He can do it all day if he wants. He's Captain Nubbin!)  She made a request to leave a couple hours early since it had been a couple hours, there was no indication that Joe's Super Legal was going to get things rolling before five.  Nubbin said no.  Because, you know, why would anyone be allowed to leave early? No, instead, she had to sit at her desk...not doing anything since she couldn't go online, she couldn't make calls, she couldn't do anything other than stare at the wall.  For which she was paid.

He probably paid her out of all the money he saves by not giving us pens.

4) Better yet, how about if you just stay home and we handle things?

This week has been one of those rare weeks when it's actually nice weather here.  Not too hot, not too cold, a bit of rain, sure, but more sun than rain.  And Captain Nubbin has spent quite of a bit of time finding reasons to leave the office for short spans of time.  Yesterday was probably the worst.  He went to the bank and the grocery store.  Then, having put in a torturous half hour in the office, he realized he had to go to the post office.  For those of us who have to pay for our own gas in our cars, we might consider making one trip for all these errands, saving gas.  But, see, CN drives the Nubbin-mobile, a vehicle provided by the company and all gas is paid for by the company.  So, while he's keeping overhead low by locking up the pens and post it notes  (something else NGTJ and I have started just bringing on our own, paper for phone messages and what not) he's making multiple short little jaunts out and about.  By the time he heads out for his last errand of the day, one that ALWAYS has to be done a mile from his house...convenient...he's started up the Nubbin mobile a minimum of four times.  

3)  Do not try using your logic, or facts, or Jedi mind tricks on me. This is still your fault!

A big part of the way we generate business is through a booth at festivals and home shows. Our Events Girl  (EG) is great at getting people to fill out cards with personal info so NGTJ and I can schedule appointments for our Crack Sales Staff to go out and sell stuff to be installed.  (Notice what's not involved in that line?  Yeah, Captain Nubbin isn't what you'd call an active participator in the process.  He doesn't go to the shows, he doesn't gather information, he doesn't make phone calls, he doesn't sell anything, he doesn't schedule anything, and he certainly doesn't install anything, service anything, or follow up on anything.  CAPTAIN NUBBIN!)  Anyway, on Tuesday there was an appointment, scheduled at a festival over the weekend, set up for a sales guy. Now, probably number one was the appointment scheduled to happen during the weekly sales staff meeting.  CN knew the appointment was on the schedule.  On Monday I told him to look at the schedule.  He saw the appointment.  In fact, he moved the appointment from one guy to another.  No comment on the time. Check number one.

Tuesday dawned, the sales guy left the meeting early.  Okay, it wasn't all that early. The meeting is scheduled to end at 9:30, but for the last several weeks, it's been done by 8:30.  So, check number two,  a 9 AM appointment shouldn't have been an issue based on the meeting length of the past several weeks.  This week, however, CN decided the Crack Sales Staff had made a few too many mistakes measuring stuff to be installed, so he was going to CRACK DOWN and MAKE THESE GUYS SEE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS. That meant that PM was going to have to spend two hours with the guys teaching them how to measure things...again, CN wasn't actually doing anything because, well, that's not his deal.

So, since, for the first time in many weeks, the sales meeting was going to actually last until 9:30, CN felt the need to reprimand SOMEONE for the 9 Am sales appointment.  And that someone, since I was the only woman in the office at the time, was me.  He sent me an email  (yep, and email)  REMINDING me to NOT schedule appointments during the sales meeting.  I was not interested in taking the heat for something I didn't book.  I fired back an email  (because we sit eight feet apart) apart, that I didn't book the appointment and that the time to raise this question was YESTERDAY when he looked at the schedule.

The sales guy called from his appointment telling me that what the customer wanted installed we don't install.  That prompted email number two:  You need to tell the customer what we install because this was a waste of time.

Hey, I called the customer, I dropped him an email telling him to call me so we could do just that.  I can't force people to call me.  And I haven't quite perfected ESP with strangers.  Again, I relayed this information to CN.

That meant nothing.  I had clearly conspired to break up his perfect training time with the sales guys (which he didn't actually attend the whole time) and scheduled (nope) and appointment for something I clearly knew was not something we install.  And when I refused to be apologetic via email, he stood in front of my desk and informed me that I need to do my job more carefully.

Bite me.

2)  But apparently I'm the only one who can spell or read.


When she started at Stuff, Installed back in August, NGTJ noted that our official company phone list was a hot mess.  She wasn't wrong.  But it's easier for me to just cross out names and phone numbers and write them in than to actually sit down with an EXCEL sheet and correct everything.  A couple months ago, however, I decided it was time to do a really good job of making a new phone list.  So I took an hour, double checked phone numbers with everyone, and got everyone's names on a shiny new phone list.  I then put a copy of the list on everyone's desk.


On Wednesday one of the installers decided he no longer wanted to install the stuff we install.  So he sort of just...quit.  And, in quitting, started a sequence of paperwork that CN actually had to fill out.  (which mean he had to take time from checking up on the US OPEN gold scores to actually fill a couple blanks on a piece of paper.)  At one point, and I'm not making this up, he shouts of out of his office:  "HOW DO WE SPELL SHANE'S LAST NAME?"

"Just a minute, " says I, "I'll check the PHONE LIST I PUT ON EVERYONE's DESK."

Instead of realizing I was telling him to look up his own darn phone list...he waited.  (Knowing how to spell his employee's last names would be way too much to expect, of course.  There are, you know, 15 of us and keeping the spellings of 15 last names, one of which his OWN, is too much.)

I don't have to look it up.  I spelled it for him.

"Are you sure?"

"THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ON THE PHONE LIST!"

He's silent. It's at this point I'm starting to wonder if he's illiterate and just doesn't want to share the sad fact with me.

1)  And finally.

We've been having a TON of street construction on the road in front of our office.  So much so that the construction guys moved our mailbox to a spot a couple blocks away from our building.  It's not a big deal, but it does take a little more time for me to take out the mail and go get the mail and, since I can't walk on the street and there is no sidewalk, I have to cut through a couple parking lots. Not a big deal, but there's a certain amount of grass and gravel and dirt I have to traverse. 

Wednesday it rained.  Hard.  All day.

While running the mail to our box in front of the building would have been little issue in the weather, the walk to the new mailbox in a downpour wasn't exactly something I was excited about doing.  And, since most of the road in front of our building is torn up and full of construction men and vehicles, it's not wise to try and drive it during the day.  So, I told CN that since I didn't have anything pressing that needed to go out, I would see if the rain was better in the afternoon and I'd walk to get the mail.

It didn't stop raining. Not all day.  It was wet, it was soggy, and everything was muddy.

Captain Nubbin took and opportunity to go do something silly in the afternoon.  So he got in the Nubbin Mobile, drove past the mail box going out of the office park.   Then he did the errand, and drove past the mailbox coming back into the office park.  And it rained HARD the whole time.

But, Sarah, you say, surely he picked up the mail for you...right?  Surely he didn't make you walk to the mail box in the pouring rain to get the mail when he'd driven past the box twice!

Surely, you'd be wrong.  Nope, he waltzed back into the office, made a comment about how hard it was raining and then asked me if I could get he mail because he really, REALLY need to get all the bills into the daily mailier for our home office.  (Which yes, meant he'd be taking another trip past the mailbox to go to the post office.)

So I put on my raincoat and walked out into the downpour.

And thus, this week's Five for Friday was born.

ALL HAIL CAPTAIN NUBBIN!

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