I feel the need

I feel the need

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Come on Menopause!

Heads up readers, today's blog deals with menopause and general female punctuation.  You've been warned!

Good day!

Since I was 13 I've been a very regular girl with regards to punctuation.  I'm now on the cusp of 47, which means I've been a consumer of punctuation products for the better part of 34 years.

And, fun fact, I haven't really needed the punctuation function since I was 29 and had Peaches.  Soooo, that means I've been forced to participate in punctuation for no reason other than general annoyance for almost 18 years.

I shudder to think about the amount of money I've spent on feminine punctuation products.  And all because my biological clock is apparently never going to stop running.

As time goes by, I've noticed a few changes in the monthly grammar lesson:  my symptoms are getting worse, the whole thing is lasting longer, and frankly, with every passing month it's getting to be more and more annoying, painful, and expensive.

Come on menopause!

Oh this happens all the time!
Know when this doesn't happen?
After menopause!
I know, most women say the longer you have your regular grammar lesson, the better your life is.  I say balderdash!  I haven't needed a grammar lesson for it's most basic purpose in nearly two decades.  And I'm starting to think the whole purpose of hormones in our milk, which clearly makes our girls start their punctuation lessons earlier and earlier in their lives is actually a conspiracy on the part of BIG FEMININE PRODUCTS to make sure we women continue to need their wares in our underwears. (So there's another plank in the platform I'll be nailing to my presidential campaign!  Sarah in 16!)

But, Sarah, you might say, what about the downside to menopause?  What about facial hair?
Already have everything but the hot flashes...

Yeah...that's already a battle I'm losing, and have been since I was 14.  What else ya got?

But Sarah, you might ask, what about hot flashes and sweats and mood swings?

First of all, mood swings isn't an argument because mood swings are the biggest symptom of punctuations ever.  So who would notice a menopausal mood swing?  What, it's MORE crabbiness?  Please.

As for flashes and sweats, well, isn't breaking into a sweat the goal for all exercise programs?  My doctors keep telling me any exercise counts as long as I break into a sweat.  So score one for menopause, sweating and sitting!  And hot flashes?  Hey, if we could time those for winter, that would be a bonus.  I pretty much ALWAYS cold in the winter up here so if I could suddenly develop some sort of internal oven, that would be great, especially if it's in the winter.  And if it hits in the summer, hey, it's just Fluffy Girl sweating slightly more than she already does.

But Sarah, you are probably asking, much to my annoyance, what about bone density?

What about reader density?  (Okay, see, mood swings...and theoretically I'm done with my punctuation lesson for the month...so yeah, not worried about mood swings, already got 'em.)  

Actually, yes, bone density...that's an issue.  But I live in Wisconsin, a state that not only worships dairy and all calcium bearing foods, we produce it, lots of it.  And frankly, I doubt I'm going to have a bone density problem any time soon.  If you knew the amount of cheese and ice cream I've eaten since birth...

Now let's talk about the upside of menopause!

Let's talk about the laundry.  With menopause and the subsequent cessation of your punctuation lessons, your laundry woes are pretty much over.  WHAT?  The men in the audience ask.  Yeah, all those little "SURPRISE" moments and those time when you stand up and your body becomes some sort of Mount Vesuvius. Ladies, you know what I mean...that horrified race to the bathroom when you get up in the morning and you realized your super absorbent whatever shifted while you were sleeping and you're now in danger of destroying several layers of sheets, mattress pads, mattresses, pajamas, box springs, carpet...I could go on.

So hey, less laundry means less housework (win) less water usage (win) less detergent usage (WIN!).

Okay, and obviously, there's a HUGE cost savings when it comes to the super absorbent whatevers.  No wings, no quiet wrappers, no cottony lining, no taped strings, NOTHING!  Think of it...no monthly trip to the aisle of shame where  you do the back and forth dance trying to find the punctuation product that will serve you best.  Forget the money you're going to save, let's talk about the TIME!  (WINNER!)

And if that's not enough, how about those random, horrible punctuation stories we all have...like mine. (Click here to read.)

There won't be anymore of THAT!  

Not convinced...why do you think people wear their shirts/jackets tied around their waists?  It's not because it's a handy way to keep an extra layer around, in case it gets chilly.  That's why we have men.  So we can wear their jackets.  

And the look is NOT flattering.  I mean, what woman says, "Okay, I have a super cute outfit picked out.  Pants, top, shoes.  Now, what would pull this all together is if I tied my bulky sweater around my waist, making me look like a square."
Not cooling off after workout.
Covering because her super absorbent
doesn't ALWAYS work.

NO!  The reason women began wearing shirts tied around their waists, and I know this from experience of course, is because our super absorbent whatevers fail ALL THE TIME and then our punctuation fluids leak all over our clothes and who wants to look at THAT? 

So, less water and detergent usage.  Less
housework.  Less money spent on 
products that are touted as making 
punctuation lessons FUN.  And, less reasons to make terrible style choices and have embarrassing moments in our lives.

Yeah, oh yeah, you all miss that, don't you?
Oh, and one other thing, for all of you who went through it and are now telling me I really shouldn't wish this on myself.

You know what none of you ladies ever say?  EVER?



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