This girl is funny...not skinny.

This girl is funny...not skinny.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Ladies, really, who asked for this?

WARNING:  This post deals with a subject matter that is sensitive and quite oogy.  Ladies only, please, today!  Gents, seriously, I'm trying to save you from losing your lunch...come back tomorrow!



Are the men all gone?  Okay...ladies, it's time for some serious talk:






I was shopping the other day for feminine protection.  I'm talking about the once a month purchase that shouldn't be all that difficult, but for some reason, picking out the right sort of protection has always been a bit of a problem for me.

Now, I'm in my forties.  I'm closer to the end of my need for these items than I am to the beginning, but every month I stand in front of the wall o pads and stare at it like a teen aged boy lost in...well, the feminine protection aisle, I guess.  A mixture of curiosity, embarrassment, and rage.

It was easy for previous generations.  I'm not joking.  My mother had the choice of maybe two kinds of pads.  The ones that came in the purple box with a yellow rose on it, and had a belt.  (A BELT!!!!!!!!!!) and the ones that were no good.

Now, we've got this brand and that, ultra thin or regular.  Regular, light, heavy, super heavy, and holy crap Martha, shut the flood gates already.  We have pads, tampons, (Which also come in regular, slim, super, super plus and holy Crap Martha, just shove a pillow up there!). Pantyliners have joined the diversity party...regular, extra long, thong  (really?  Thong?  Someone out there is having a bit of a ladies' day and is still wearing a THONG?)  scented, unscented, in the little pink packs and not.

Don't get me started on different liners.  Absorbent, wicking  (you know, like sports socks do?).  There are pads that claim to be able to hold 8 ounces of fluid!  (That's interesting since studies by male scientists insist we really only lose 3 Teaspoons of blood a month.  Really?  How about studying a woman who's not a marathon runner?)

All of this is a for a product that really, basically, hasn't changed all that much since I started needing them a couple decades ago.  Granted, the adhesive is better.  I've not had one flip over and get stuck...you know...in a long time.  And I love the wings.  Not so sure about certain linings, but I'm game to try new things.

The newest advancement, however, has me scratching my head, because I'm really wondering who asked for this?

Quieter wrapping!

Ladies, remember when we had those little purses with in purses to carry our dainties?  Then they started packing them in plastic wrap and that was AWESOME!

Okay, so which one of you decided that wrap was too noisy?  You're sitting there, making the change, you unwrap the wee package with the pink flowers and you decide..."Gee, this is just too noisy.  I'm going to stop buying this product and use one with wrapping that isn't so earth shatteringly noisy!"

Who asked for this?  I'm being serious...even in a public ladies' room, who is worrying about the noise the unwrapping makes?  (I'll tell you what's more annoying...the noise the adhesive makes when you're removing one.  How about quieter adhesive?  Hmmmmmmm?)

I'll tell you what we really need.  What we need is a product that can absorb IMMEDIATELY.  You've all seen the commercial where the woman stands up and some statistic flashes like, "A woman's flow increases 200% when she stands up."

Don't have to tell me, sister.  I all but roll off the bed and crawl to the bathroom some days.  And that's because the products out there are absorbent, yes.  But only if the flow is a steady, direct one.  Gushing, and, heaven help us, normal shifting, make wearing anything pretty much pointless.  Find me the product that can handle me doing something as dangerous as STANDING UP, and I'll be a life long customer.

And you can wrap it in tinfoil and have fireworks that activate upon opening.  If I can wear it, stand up, and not have to back out of a room, all at the same time, I'm sold!

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