Grandma, there's a big fat blogger in the toilet!

Hey everyone!

Since we've been having such magnificent weather here in Wisconsin the last several weeks and since, let's face it, I'm just not getting over to Gold's  (sorry KRAM...I'm still adjusting to my life.)  I've been taking walks at lunch time.  Granted, it's not a sweaty run on a treadmill, but at least I'm getting out of the building and moving my fanny.

One of the things I like doing is walking over to the Culver's, which winds up being almost a mile an a half round trip.  Now, before you get all up in arms about my destination, no, I do NOT eat at Culver's all the time.  But I have about 40 minutes for a walk, and this is a good stop and turn around point.

And, truth be told, I really like using their bathroom.

Those of you who know me know that I have issues using public restrooms.  I'm very particular about where I will and won't go.  Porta potties are right out...unless it is an absolute necessity.  I also don't do gas stations, unless they are Kwik Trip.  Highway rest stops?  Maybe, but not in Indiana (sorry, too many bad experiences there.)  And as for restaurants, I generally do use those...with the exception that I refuse to use a McDonald's restaurant if it's just off the interstate.



This sort of thing isn't
my problem at Culver's.



But the Culver's near my work has a nice enough rest room.  It's generally tidy, there isn't a ton of water on the counter  (seriously...why can people NOT wipe up after themselves?  I'm not buying for one second that bathroom counters sweat so much there are puddles.)  and there is almost always paper towel.  (I haven't quite made the jump to hand driers.  I need the confidence paper products give me.)  Also, unlike at work, I am not the only person capable of changing the toilet roll.

Anyway, so the other day I was on my walk, and I stopped at the restroom for a break.  While I was in there, a grandmother, I'm guessing since she sounded like a grandma, and her young grandson came in.  From the sound of things, they used the handicapped stall because grandson needed a bit of help and let's face it, all other bathroom stalls are far too narrow.  (This isn't my fat imagination either...bathroom stalls, like airplane seats, are getting more narrow.  I'd never stop going to an eatery that had stalls I didn't have to back into because they were too narrow for me to turn around.)



Only one of these is human sized...



The point of all this is that the conversation between these two made me laugh, and I'll share it with you because I hope it does the same:

"Oooh grandma, this is a nice bathroom."

"Yes, it is."



"But I don't have to go potty grandma."

"Well, let's just try anyway."

"Grandma, what does that sign say?"

"Please do not flush down any...paper.  Use the box instead."

(I'm guessing grandma didn't want to have to explain "feminine products" to her grandson.)

"What does that mean?"

"It means you're not supposed to flush down stuff that doesnt' belong in the toilet."

"But toilet paper is paper."

"Right, but it's toilet paper."

"So it goes in the toilet."

"Right."

"And poop.  Poop goes in the toilet."

"Right."

"So grandma...what's in the box?"

(AT this point I hear the soft squeak of a sani box lid being opened, and then a quicker squeak of it being slammed shut.)

"Oh nothing, nothing you need to see."



"But what is it?"

"Are you about done?"

"I said I don't have to go."

"But you haven't gone in a long time and you just ate.  Try to go."

(I hear the exaggerated sounds of of newly potty trained child pushing.  Then a I hear a surprised giggle.)

"Grandma...you don't know...I have a big poop coming!"



"I thought you might."

"A great big giant poop!"

"Yes, that's nice."

"I think this poop is bigger than I am!"

(What's a grandmother going to say to that?)

"So I wanna see it?"

I hear little feet hitting the floor and a flushing.  Then I hear this:

"Grandma...is that all there was?"

"Yes."

"That wasn't a very big poop.  I thought it was going to be bigger."

(Hey kid, remember this moment because someday your wife is going to put on 50 pounds in a pregnancy and push out an 8 pound baby...Yeah, I thought my kids were going to be bigger, too.)

They washed hands and left.  I waited a moment so that they wouldn't know Id been listening. 

Well, that and I had to stop laughing.

So my friends, remember this:  No matter where you are, no matter what you're doing...you're probably being observed by someone who writes a blog.  And if you're really unlucky...that someone might just be me!

I can't fix STUPID, but I sure would like to poke at it with a stick.

Good evening!

Well, I have been absent from my beloved blog, my friends, and not because I'm having a breakthrough on my newest novel. Sadly, not.  No, Instead, I've taken these several days and soaked up the Au jus of stupid that seems to glisten like moonlit waterfall on us all.

And how is it I'm not on the NY Times list?  Hmmmmm?

So today I want to just share with you three random acts of stupid from last week.

Random act of Stupid #1

It should come as no surprise to those of you who have been reading the last month , that the first act of stupid comes from none other than LCW, the woman I sit next to at work.

Let me say again, LCW is a dear woman with a good heart.  And one of these days she is going to drive me over the edge.



Have fun storming the supply closet
There is but one key...and I have it.



On Thursday NBM was out of the office for that big evaluation.  (Why are we #1?  Why is he so awesome?  I think it has something to do with the fact that the office supplies are kept locked and only he has the key.  Very "Princess Bride" if you ask me.  )

So anyway, Thursday we were supposed to bring in our insurance paperwork.  Everyone in the company had to fill out new paperwork for insurance.  And while the deadline was Friday, we were asked to bring it in on Thursday.  Now, LCW first of all was late getting to work because, and I am not making this up, she left her purse and her rollaway cooler, the one she always brings to work, in her driveway and didn't realize it until she was halfway there before she had to turn around and get it.

Which means, my friends, that the insurance paperwork was OF COURSE...anyone?  Anyone....NOT WITH HER when she walked in.

I asked her, "Do you have your paperwork?"

"No.  It's not due until Friday."

"Yes, but you don't work on Friday."

"I know but today is Thursday...the paperwork isn't due until Friday."  Says she.

"I know, " says I, "but you don't work on Friday.  So did you bring it with you today?"

"But it's not due until Friday."

This goes on for a few more minutes.  After I managed to show her that without having the paperwork on her person TODAY, she would have to make another trip, and after her episode of hysterics which always follows on the heels of a correction no matter how slight, I tried to tell her to take her lunch hour and go get the papers.  She lives 25 minutes away, it would be fine.

She didn't want to do that.  "I'll come back tonight and drop it off in the mailbox."

"You're going to come back, after leaving work at 8 pm, and you're leaving the papers in the mailbox on the street?"

"Sure.  I don't care.  I don't want to use my lunch hour going home."

Her logic was nothing short of genius...sort of. 

I let that sit for a few minutes and then suggested again that she take her lunch hour and do the errand.  Again, she refuses.  Saying she'll come back after work, that will make more sense.

TO WHOM?

An hour later, about the time I was thinking I should have a lunch break...you know since I'd been at work since 7 and she'd been there an hour...she said, "I think I will take my lunch and go get the paperwork.  When were you thinking of going to lunch?"

NOW!  I wanted to shout, but hey, I'll wait until 2:30.   Again.

So off she went.

105 minutes...yes, one hour and forty five minutes later, she arrives back at the office, with a white envelop in her hands.  "Oh good, you have them."  Says I.

Wait for it.

"No," says she.  "These are the papers from my OLD insurance company."

I know, you have 1000 questions.  Believe me, I mentally asked all of them.  Clearly we could not send her back home to get the papers, which, she was sure, were in her house. Probably.  "But before you go to lunch..."

No sweat.  It's only 2:45.  I do have to take a lunch before 5 PM.  That's when I leave.

Later, when I returned, the poor soul in charge of collecting our paperwork, let's call him PM, told me that her solution to the problem, in this day of emails, faxes, scans, and whatnot, was to white out MY PAPERWORK, make a copy of the now blank sheets, and fill in her information and then have me just fill mine in again.

Fortunately, PM stopped her from doing that.  It meant he didn't get to go home until 6 PM that night, going step by step with her over everything in what I can only imagine was the most tedious lesson he's ever taught...and he has two potty trained children who I believe can tie their shoes, but he got all the papers in.

And that's not the most stupid thing I experienced last week.

So on Friday, I realized on my way home from work, that I was out of my feminine products.  There's a Walmart on my way home, so I stopped in.  Now, if you've read this blog you know that purchasing feminine products, for me, is never quick because I have to weigh all the pros and cons of each product.  So it's a high concentration moment for me.

I'm standing there, in the Walmart, in front of the wall of feminine protection, and a young lad, of perhaps 17, walks up to me.  He is carrying a basketball and a clipboard.

Nope, still not making it up.

He says to me, "I'm collecting money for my school so I can play basketball.  Can you donate?"

I look at him, my concentration broken.  What I wanted to say was, "Oh great! Now my concentration is broken.  Do you see where you are?  Do you not realize that making a purchase of these products requires a significant amount of detailed study?  You want to play basketball?  I want to wake up not drowning in a puddle of gooey tissue slough because I couldn't pick the proper protection for the money I'm willing to pay.  You want to play basketball?  How about if you do my laundry this week?  How about that?  No?  No?  You don't want to chance it because it might be gross?  Oh I promise you it will be if I don't pick up the right package RIGHT NOW!  IT WILL BE GROSS!"

I didn't say that.

Instead, I said, "No, not today.  But congrats, you're in my blog."

Still not the most stupid thing that happened to me.

Out of Walmart, I decide, against my better judgement, that I'm hungry, too hungry to wait until dinner, which is more than 3 hours away, so I'm going to stop at the local Mc Donald's.  All I wanted...ALL I WANTED was a double cheeseburger.  I'm willing to pay the extra .25 they charge for that second slice of cheese.

So I roll up to the drive through and give the box my order. 

"That'll be $#$$&%$^"  she says.

Well it doesn't matter because I know, after buying double cheeseburgers for so long, that it's going to be $1.30.  I take out a nickel, a dollar, and a quarter.

So I roll up to the window and hand her $1.30.

"I need another six cents"  she says. "It's $1.36."

I hand her a nickel and a penny.

"No," says she, "It's $1.36."  and she hands me a nickel back.

So I hand her the nickel again.

"NO," says she, handing me back a nickel.  "It's $1.36.  I just needed a penny."

"You're holding $1.31."  says I. 

"Oh, wait...yeah.  I need the nickel."

And those...my friends...were the three most stupid moments of my week last week.

How am I not ruling the planet yet?



Two workouts in one!

Hello and Happy New Year everyone!

Wow!  It's great to be back!  I had to take a break, but in the time I spent away from you all...boy do I have some stories!  I was all set to share my Christmas story with you...but then something so much more hilarious happened last night that I had to share with you!

WARNING:  THIS BLOG ENTRY IS NOT SUITABLE FOR CONSUMPTION BY MALES AND YOUNG CHILDREN.  Reader discretion is advised!  GUYS...and you know who you are...IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, DON'T READ TODAY'S ENTRY!


Now then, we can continue!

So last night I went back to my water aerobics class.  I don't know how long it's been since I did water aerobics, but it's been long enough that I forgot the hilarious humiliation of it all.  But, Dee was taking an hour off of work to do the class, the least I could do was join her.

To fully understand what went on last night (And, no I haven't shared this with Dee...mostly because this isn't exactly something you shout out loud in a pool full of women.) you have to understand that I'm from the generation of women who didn't go swimming while having their period.  Granted, I'm at the tail end of that generation...I'm NOT that old...but I was raised to be wary of the effectiveness of tampons in a pool setting.

So yesterday, I got the old monthly visitor a week early  (seriously, I'm 43 and haven't been on the baby train in 14 years.  Can we just have a predictable time of the month so I can avoid special moments like these?)  but I knew full well that I couldn't bail on Dee AGAIN when it came to water aerobics.  Besides, she and I are starting a new body challenge over at Gold's next week, and I had to get my blubber rolling...literally.  Anyway, I got Ms. Monthly yesterday morning and was very tempted to bail.  But I just bought a new box of "corks" as my mother called them.  Yes, I made my monthly pilgrimage to the the Feminine protection aisle, and spent 20 minutes looking for products that would work.  You'd think by now I'd just be able to walk up to the shelf and get what I always get, but since there seems to be new developments in protection every single MONTH  (who knew there were so many developments available to a product that is basically a glorified cotton ball?) it takes me a good long time to find just what I'm looking for.  I am happy to announce that I'm currently enjoying a TEMPERATURE CONTROLLED pad.  Of course, it doesn't stop leakage when I get up from a prone position, what protective pad actually does THAT, but it does stay the same temperature down there, which, I guess is vital since this product now costs an extra $2 for 2 fewer pads.  (You have to love progress!)

Anyway, I picked up what I needed, plus a variety pack of "corks."  Okay, let's talk about variety packs. Ladies, we know we are all different sizes internally speaking, so the need for sizes of these scientifically enhanced cotton balls is very real.  But someone explain to me the "Variety pack."  I mean, it's not like I have "skinny days" when it comes to that particular part of my body.  Flows may come and flows may go, but the size of the aqua duct is staying the same.  Right?

As long as I don't get the one with walnuts...

Well, anyway, I managed to load myself with the Variety pack.  I had Supers, Regulars, and Lights.

In readying myself for the pool, I studied my day one issue and decided I really didn't need a super.  I wasn't quite at that fun "chum spewing" level.  I held up a light and a regular and wondered, aloud of course because it's not funny if it isn't said aloud, what 6 year old was wearing the lights.  Seriously, those were smaller than my little finger.  When we run out of Q-tips, those will come in very handy!

Not that the Regular was much bigger, but, well, I figured it would be okay.

Then I got into the pool.

I'd forgotten a couple of things about water aerobics. 

1)  It's really a physical work out.

2) You spend a lot of time with your legs spread out in a wide stance.

I'm not sure exactly when I started thinking about it, but not long into the workout I became very conscious of the fact that there was a very real possibility that the cork I'd selected to close the issue from my aqua duct was not only not going to be sufficient, but might, with all the stretching and stepping and kicking, actually...FALL OUT.

Oh, and did I mention I was wearing my very girlie swim suit and NOT the heavy duty super elastic suit?  Yeah, anything falling out was doing to definitely make and appearance!

Can I get an "EW GROSS" from the male readers I KNOW are still hanging around?

The good news is that it was a good time for me to do my Kegel exercises.  After two kids, I rarely even think about Kegel exercises, except when I hear it as a punchline for a joke about workouts.  (And if you don't know what I'm talking about you either haven't had kids or your a man.)  So, while trying to keep up (and failing) with the 60 + ladies in my water aerobics class (those women are PROS!) I was also clenching really hard to keep that tiny sliver of cotton and sting right where it was supposed to stay.

I was super focused until we started using the noodles  (you know my history with the noodles...I fail!) and the girls behind me, the girls who were there for the first time and were younger than I am....WOW!...started falling off the noodles!  The joy I felt at realizing I'm not the only who cannot "surf" on a noodle caused me to relax my muscles....all of them.

NO  DON'T RELAX THOSE MUSCLES!

I felt a slippage, but was able to avert certain disaster and for the rest of the hour I remained clenched.

Today I'm a bit sore.  My legs ache a bit...and of course my Kegels are tired from the workout!  But that's to be expected, I suppose.  It has been some time since I did water aerobics...or wore anything marked "regular."

Guess which one I won't be doing again?

Happy New Year my friends!  (And Todd?  You can uncover your eyes now, my friend!)

Ya know what doesn't involve Kegel exercises?  Reading my book, Dream in Color

Ladies, really, who asked for this?

WARNING:  This post deals with a subject matter that is sensitive and quite oogy.  Ladies only, please, today!  Gents, seriously, I'm trying to save you from losing your lunch...come back tomorrow!



Are the men all gone?  Okay...ladies, it's time for some serious talk:






I was shopping the other day for feminine protection.  I'm talking about the once a month purchase that shouldn't be all that difficult, but for some reason, picking out the right sort of protection has always been a bit of a problem for me.

Now, I'm in my forties.  I'm closer to the end of my need for these items than I am to the beginning, but every month I stand in front of the wall o pads and stare at it like a teen aged boy lost in...well, the feminine protection aisle, I guess.  A mixture of curiosity, embarrassment, and rage.

It was easy for previous generations.  I'm not joking.  My mother had the choice of maybe two kinds of pads.  The ones that came in the purple box with a yellow rose on it, and had a belt.  (A BELT!!!!!!!!!!) and the ones that were no good.

Now, we've got this brand and that, ultra thin or regular.  Regular, light, heavy, super heavy, and holy crap Martha, shut the flood gates already.  We have pads, tampons, (Which also come in regular, slim, super, super plus and holy Crap Martha, just shove a pillow up there!). Pantyliners have joined the diversity party...regular, extra long, thong  (really?  Thong?  Someone out there is having a bit of a ladies' day and is still wearing a THONG?)  scented, unscented, in the little pink packs and not.

Don't get me started on different liners.  Absorbent, wicking  (you know, like sports socks do?).  There are pads that claim to be able to hold 8 ounces of fluid!  (That's interesting since studies by male scientists insist we really only lose 3 Teaspoons of blood a month.  Really?  How about studying a woman who's not a marathon runner?)

All of this is a for a product that really, basically, hasn't changed all that much since I started needing them a couple decades ago.  Granted, the adhesive is better.  I've not had one flip over and get stuck...you know...in a long time.  And I love the wings.  Not so sure about certain linings, but I'm game to try new things.

The newest advancement, however, has me scratching my head, because I'm really wondering who asked for this?

Quieter wrapping!

Ladies, remember when we had those little purses with in purses to carry our dainties?  Then they started packing them in plastic wrap and that was AWESOME!

Okay, so which one of you decided that wrap was too noisy?  You're sitting there, making the change, you unwrap the wee package with the pink flowers and you decide..."Gee, this is just too noisy.  I'm going to stop buying this product and use one with wrapping that isn't so earth shatteringly noisy!"

Who asked for this?  I'm being serious...even in a public ladies' room, who is worrying about the noise the unwrapping makes?  (I'll tell you what's more annoying...the noise the adhesive makes when you're removing one.  How about quieter adhesive?  Hmmmmmmm?)

I'll tell you what we really need.  What we need is a product that can absorb IMMEDIATELY.  You've all seen the commercial where the woman stands up and some statistic flashes like, "A woman's flow increases 200% when she stands up."

Don't have to tell me, sister.  I all but roll off the bed and crawl to the bathroom some days.  And that's because the products out there are absorbent, yes.  But only if the flow is a steady, direct one.  Gushing, and, heaven help us, normal shifting, make wearing anything pretty much pointless.  Find me the product that can handle me doing something as dangerous as STANDING UP, and I'll be a life long customer.

And you can wrap it in tinfoil and have fireworks that activate upon opening.  If I can wear it, stand up, and not have to back out of a room, all at the same time, I'm sold!