I feel the need

I feel the need

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I'm my own "before" Picture

Good morning all!

I'm taking this time between church and the next basketball game for which Peaches must cheer and the Packer game  (During which time I will be completely incommunicado....) to regale you with the tale of my "FAT PICTURE."  yesterday.

To recap for those of you who haven't been following:  My friend Dee convinced me to drop $35 and join Gold's "12 week body challenge."  Other than seeing the big posters around the gym, and having the guy at the desk  (whose name I did not catch and I do not want him to get into any trouble, so no, I'm not going to try and remember who it was) tell me a bunch of stuff about this challenge that are turning out to not be the case, I didn't have much of an idea what was going to happen.  But, hey, I like Dee, and if she tells me to pay $35 to someone, well, I'm going to do it.

The one thing, no matter whom I spoke to regarding this challenge, the ONE THING everyone was abundantly clear on was that I needed to have a "BEFORE" picture taken. And, oh you're going to like this, it had to be taken IN A TWO PIECE BATHING SUIT.

Failure to do so will disqualify me from winning first prize  (they weren't sure what that was when I signed up, but they knew it was going to be good...turns out, it's a truckload of CASH) so I had to go get myself a two piece outfit that was tight and revealed my belly.

Failure to own such an outfit did NOT disqualify me from paying the $35 to get into the challenge, however.  I'm just sayin'...

So I went to Kohl's, home of the world's most lenient return policy, and bought myself a pair of spandex shorts and a jog bra.  It should be noted that I have looked everywhere in stores and have yet to find a plus sized jog bra or exercise shorts.  Apparently exercise apparel designers have decided that fat women don't work out.  And should not be encouraged to work out by providing them with work out clothes that are comfortable.  No, they shout with their refusal to make a plus sized jog bra, YOU MUST WORK OUT IN YOUR UNDER WIRE BRAS.  Until you are thin, you must work out in a dark hole, where no one can see you, and you must wear clothes that are too tight, too small, or are men's clothes because we will NOT make any exercise clothing larger than XL.

I'll get off my sturdy soapbox now.

So I bought a two piece outfit at Kohl's thinking I'd wear it for the before picture, where it would look horrible, because it was and XL and I haven't bit properly into clothing on the normal ladies' side of the aisle in about five years. Five minutes for the before pic, five minutes for the after pic, 12 weeks hence, and I'd return it.

Walking out of Kohl's, Peaches said, "Did you try it on?"


"Why not?"

"Because it's my before picture.  I'm supposed to look as fat as possible and these clothes will be way too small on me."

See, I had a plan.  Look horrifying in the before picture.  I practiced for DAYS on how to blow out my stomach and slouch so that I looked fatter than I already am.  I then spent a week eating like I haven't in ages, in an attempt to gain back some of the weight I already lost outside of the challenge.  Then I ate a lot of salty stuff and DIDN'T drink my water, so I'd bloat.  (For the record, Dee had the same plan, too.)

In short, I wanted my before picture to be the worst picture I've ever taken.

My plan was fool proof.  I thought.  Saturday dawned bright and cold and I yanked on my new exercise clothes, a two piece nightmare I purchased to make me look like whale blubber spilling out of a net.

But then I had it on...did I miss a memo?  Does XL in exercise apparel mean "Comfortable and almost flattering for the fluffier girl?"  the job bra not only wasn't too small...it fit...and it was comfortable and supportive.  And the shorts...THEY WERE DOWN RIGHT PRETTY!


Undaunted, I donned the heaviest jewelry I own, plus a watch, plus my wrist brace all in an attempt to add a bit of weight here and there.  I put on heavy socks and my heaviest sport shoes.  I was ready.

Measurements were in the Aqua Massage room at Gold's.  Funny, I don't even remember there being an aqua massage room.  Oh yeah, it's off the weight lifting room...no wonder...I'll give the trainers credit, they had a small space heater in there, which was nice.  Cookies would have been nicer, but I'll take what I can get when I'm standing half naked and being weighed and measured like a prize dairy cow.


Because the trainers, I'll call them Jane and Doe and I'll let the two of them fight it out as to which is which, know Dee and me fairly well, they let us weight in together.  Dee went first.  Dee had a really spiffy two piece swimsuit...looked really nice on her.  Of course, everything looks nice on her, she's lost 35 pounds in the last few months and looks amazing!  They weighed her, measured her waist, hips and thighs.  Then they made her pose with a newspaper.

The challenge, Jane and Doe tell me, is based on weight loss, inches lost, and the overall change in your before and after picture. Hence, we have to keep the same clothes for both shots. (I'm a little concerned....my before clothes may fall off if I have any success!) While I can't fake a thigh measurement, I know I have a solid head start everywhere else if I just go back to the good habits I adopted that kept me from gaining weight over the holidays!

Yes, we were photographed with a news paper in hand, like some sort of hostages  showing a proof of life.  The only thing that would have made this unexpected delight more fun is if Russell Crowe had actually dropped down from the ceiling and rescued us.

"I must rescue Sarah from Gold's Aqua Massage room!"

Dee, it should be noted, was VERY unhappy with her weight.  Like all women, we fluctuate a bit now and then, and her weight had changed.  She gained a pound.  She wasn't unhappy because she gained a pound.  She was unhappy because she gained ONLY a pound.  (Did you not read the part where we've been working on bloating for a week?)

Now it was my turn.  I'm happy to say I gained TWO POUNDS for the weigh in.  So I've got that going for me.  I'm also a bit cheesed to admit that Jane and Doe made me remove my watch, my heavy socks, my shoes, and my wrist band.  grrrr.......

They could not beat me, however, at the stomach measurement.  I'd been practicing for this one!  I puffed out my belly so far, that I'm pretty sure I could just be measured right now and win the challenge based on loss of gut inches alone.

In posing for my hostage picture...I mean my before picture, I did everything they tell you to not do when you're trying to look thinner.  And, given the number of years I've been trying to look thin in pictures, I'm sort of a pro at doing the opposite of that.

I didn't see the shots, I'm sure I would be horrified if I did.  But let me tell you this, my friends, in 12 weeks I'll be taking the winning measurements and the winning picture and I'll take that bucket of cash and Dee is going to win the trip to Vegas.  And then she and I are going to go to Vegas and hit ALL THE BUFFETS!

Hmmmmm....maybe I don't have the right mind set just yet.

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