Wow! It's great to be back! I had to take a break, but in the time I spent away from you all...boy do I have some stories! I was all set to share my Christmas story with you...but then something so much more hilarious happened last night that I had to share with you!
WARNING: THIS BLOG ENTRY IS NOT SUITABLE FOR CONSUMPTION BY MALES AND YOUNG CHILDREN. Reader discretion is advised! GUYS...and you know who you are...IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, DON'T READ TODAY'S ENTRY!
Now then, we can continue!
So last night I went back to my water aerobics class. I don't know how long it's been since I did water aerobics, but it's been long enough that I forgot the hilarious humiliation of it all. But, Dee was taking an hour off of work to do the class, the least I could do was join her.
To fully understand what went on last night (And, no I haven't shared this with Dee...mostly because this isn't exactly something you shout out loud in a pool full of women.) you have to understand that I'm from the generation of women who didn't go swimming while having their period. Granted, I'm at the tail end of that generation...I'm NOT that old...but I was raised to be wary of the effectiveness of tampons in a pool setting.
So yesterday, I got the old monthly visitor a week early (seriously, I'm 43 and haven't been on the baby train in 14 years. Can we just have a predictable time of the month so I can avoid special moments like these?) but I knew full well that I couldn't bail on Dee AGAIN when it came to water aerobics. Besides, she and I are starting a new body challenge over at Gold's next week, and I had to get my blubber rolling...literally. Anyway, I got Ms. Monthly yesterday morning and was very tempted to bail. But I just bought a new box of "corks" as my mother called them. Yes, I made my monthly pilgrimage to the the Feminine protection aisle, and spent 20 minutes looking for products that would work. You'd think by now I'd just be able to walk up to the shelf and get what I always get, but since there seems to be new developments in protection every single MONTH (who knew there were so many developments available to a product that is basically a glorified cotton ball?) it takes me a good long time to find just what I'm looking for. I am happy to announce that I'm currently enjoying a TEMPERATURE CONTROLLED pad. Of course, it doesn't stop leakage when I get up from a prone position, what protective pad actually does THAT, but it does stay the same temperature down there, which, I guess is vital since this product now costs an extra $2 for 2 fewer pads. (You have to love progress!)
Anyway, I picked up what I needed, plus a variety pack of "corks." Okay, let's talk about variety packs. Ladies, we know we are all different sizes internally speaking, so the need for sizes of these scientifically enhanced cotton balls is very real. But someone explain to me the "Variety pack." I mean, it's not like I have "skinny days" when it comes to that particular part of my body. Flows may come and flows may go, but the size of the aqua duct is staying the same. Right?
|As long as I don't get the one with walnuts...|
Well, anyway, I managed to load myself with the Variety pack. I had Supers, Regulars, and Lights.
In readying myself for the pool, I studied my day one issue and decided I really didn't need a super. I wasn't quite at that fun "chum spewing" level. I held up a light and a regular and wondered, aloud of course because it's not funny if it isn't said aloud, what 6 year old was wearing the lights. Seriously, those were smaller than my little finger. When we run out of Q-tips, those will come in very handy!
Not that the Regular was much bigger, but, well, I figured it would be okay.
Then I got into the pool.
I'd forgotten a couple of things about water aerobics.
1) It's really a physical work out.
2) You spend a lot of time with your legs spread out in a wide stance.
I'm not sure exactly when I started thinking about it, but not long into the workout I became very conscious of the fact that there was a very real possibility that the cork I'd selected to close the issue from my aqua duct was not only not going to be sufficient, but might, with all the stretching and stepping and kicking, actually...FALL OUT.
Oh, and did I mention I was wearing my very girlie swim suit and NOT the heavy duty super elastic suit? Yeah, anything falling out was doing to definitely make and appearance!
Can I get an "EW GROSS" from the male readers I KNOW are still hanging around?
The good news is that it was a good time for me to do my Kegel exercises. After two kids, I rarely even think about Kegel exercises, except when I hear it as a punchline for a joke about workouts. (And if you don't know what I'm talking about you either haven't had kids or your a man.) So, while trying to keep up (and failing) with the 60 + ladies in my water aerobics class (those women are PROS!) I was also clenching really hard to keep that tiny sliver of cotton and sting right where it was supposed to stay.
I was super focused until we started using the noodles (you know my history with the noodles...I fail!) and the girls behind me, the girls who were there for the first time and were younger than I am....WOW!...started falling off the noodles! The joy I felt at realizing I'm not the only who cannot "surf" on a noodle caused me to relax my muscles....all of them.
NO DON'T RELAX THOSE MUSCLES!
I felt a slippage, but was able to avert certain disaster and for the rest of the hour I remained clenched.
Today I'm a bit sore. My legs ache a bit...and of course my Kegels are tired from the workout! But that's to be expected, I suppose. It has been some time since I did water aerobics...or wore anything marked "regular."
Guess which one I won't be doing again?
Happy New Year my friends! (And Todd? You can uncover your eyes now, my friend!)
Ya know what doesn't involve Kegel exercises? Reading my book, Dream in Color