I feel the need

I feel the need

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I can't fix STUPID, but I sure would like to poke at it with a stick.

Good evening!

Well, I have been absent from my beloved blog, my friends, and not because I'm having a breakthrough on my newest novel. Sadly, not.  No, Instead, I've taken these several days and soaked up the Au jus of stupid that seems to glisten like moonlit waterfall on us all.

And how is it I'm not on the NY Times list?  Hmmmmm?

So today I want to just share with you three random acts of stupid from last week.

Random act of Stupid #1

It should come as no surprise to those of you who have been reading the last month , that the first act of stupid comes from none other than LCW, the woman I sit next to at work.

Let me say again, LCW is a dear woman with a good heart.  And one of these days she is going to drive me over the edge.

Have fun storming the supply closet
There is but one key...and I have it.

On Thursday NBM was out of the office for that big evaluation.  (Why are we #1?  Why is he so awesome?  I think it has something to do with the fact that the office supplies are kept locked and only he has the key.  Very "Princess Bride" if you ask me.  )

So anyway, Thursday we were supposed to bring in our insurance paperwork.  Everyone in the company had to fill out new paperwork for insurance.  And while the deadline was Friday, we were asked to bring it in on Thursday.  Now, LCW first of all was late getting to work because, and I am not making this up, she left her purse and her rollaway cooler, the one she always brings to work, in her driveway and didn't realize it until she was halfway there before she had to turn around and get it.

Which means, my friends, that the insurance paperwork was OF COURSE...anyone?  Anyone....NOT WITH HER when she walked in.

I asked her, "Do you have your paperwork?"

"No.  It's not due until Friday."

"Yes, but you don't work on Friday."

"I know but today is Thursday...the paperwork isn't due until Friday."  Says she.

"I know, " says I, "but you don't work on Friday.  So did you bring it with you today?"

"But it's not due until Friday."

This goes on for a few more minutes.  After I managed to show her that without having the paperwork on her person TODAY, she would have to make another trip, and after her episode of hysterics which always follows on the heels of a correction no matter how slight, I tried to tell her to take her lunch hour and go get the papers.  She lives 25 minutes away, it would be fine.

She didn't want to do that.  "I'll come back tonight and drop it off in the mailbox."

"You're going to come back, after leaving work at 8 pm, and you're leaving the papers in the mailbox on the street?"

"Sure.  I don't care.  I don't want to use my lunch hour going home."

Her logic was nothing short of genius...sort of. 

I let that sit for a few minutes and then suggested again that she take her lunch hour and do the errand.  Again, she refuses.  Saying she'll come back after work, that will make more sense.


An hour later, about the time I was thinking I should have a lunch break...you know since I'd been at work since 7 and she'd been there an hour...she said, "I think I will take my lunch and go get the paperwork.  When were you thinking of going to lunch?"

NOW!  I wanted to shout, but hey, I'll wait until 2:30.   Again.

So off she went.

105 minutes...yes, one hour and forty five minutes later, she arrives back at the office, with a white envelop in her hands.  "Oh good, you have them."  Says I.

Wait for it.

"No," says she.  "These are the papers from my OLD insurance company."

I know, you have 1000 questions.  Believe me, I mentally asked all of them.  Clearly we could not send her back home to get the papers, which, she was sure, were in her house. Probably.  "But before you go to lunch..."

No sweat.  It's only 2:45.  I do have to take a lunch before 5 PM.  That's when I leave.

Later, when I returned, the poor soul in charge of collecting our paperwork, let's call him PM, told me that her solution to the problem, in this day of emails, faxes, scans, and whatnot, was to white out MY PAPERWORK, make a copy of the now blank sheets, and fill in her information and then have me just fill mine in again.

Fortunately, PM stopped her from doing that.  It meant he didn't get to go home until 6 PM that night, going step by step with her over everything in what I can only imagine was the most tedious lesson he's ever taught...and he has two potty trained children who I believe can tie their shoes, but he got all the papers in.

And that's not the most stupid thing I experienced last week.

So on Friday, I realized on my way home from work, that I was out of my feminine products.  There's a Walmart on my way home, so I stopped in.  Now, if you've read this blog you know that purchasing feminine products, for me, is never quick because I have to weigh all the pros and cons of each product.  So it's a high concentration moment for me.

I'm standing there, in the Walmart, in front of the wall of feminine protection, and a young lad, of perhaps 17, walks up to me.  He is carrying a basketball and a clipboard.

Nope, still not making it up.

He says to me, "I'm collecting money for my school so I can play basketball.  Can you donate?"

I look at him, my concentration broken.  What I wanted to say was, "Oh great! Now my concentration is broken.  Do you see where you are?  Do you not realize that making a purchase of these products requires a significant amount of detailed study?  You want to play basketball?  I want to wake up not drowning in a puddle of gooey tissue slough because I couldn't pick the proper protection for the money I'm willing to pay.  You want to play basketball?  How about if you do my laundry this week?  How about that?  No?  No?  You don't want to chance it because it might be gross?  Oh I promise you it will be if I don't pick up the right package RIGHT NOW!  IT WILL BE GROSS!"

I didn't say that.

Instead, I said, "No, not today.  But congrats, you're in my blog."

Still not the most stupid thing that happened to me.

Out of Walmart, I decide, against my better judgement, that I'm hungry, too hungry to wait until dinner, which is more than 3 hours away, so I'm going to stop at the local Mc Donald's.  All I wanted...ALL I WANTED was a double cheeseburger.  I'm willing to pay the extra .25 they charge for that second slice of cheese.

So I roll up to the drive through and give the box my order. 

"That'll be $#$$&%$^"  she says.

Well it doesn't matter because I know, after buying double cheeseburgers for so long, that it's going to be $1.30.  I take out a nickel, a dollar, and a quarter.

So I roll up to the window and hand her $1.30.

"I need another six cents"  she says. "It's $1.36."

I hand her a nickel and a penny.

"No," says she, "It's $1.36."  and she hands me a nickel back.

So I hand her the nickel again.

"NO," says she, handing me back a nickel.  "It's $1.36.  I just needed a penny."

"You're holding $1.31."  says I. 

"Oh, wait...yeah.  I need the nickel."

And those...my friends...were the three most stupid moments of my week last week.

How am I not ruling the planet yet?

1 comment:

  1. I have told Paul for years now, "The wrong people are in charge..."


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