I feel the need

I feel the need

Friday, August 13, 2010

The answer to every question anyone asks me.

Good afternoon!

I'm sitting here sucking down a Slim fast shake.  The can says the flavor is "Cappuccino Delight" which is pretty much the only flavor I can drink without dying.  I tell myself it's a really good coffee.  (Never mind that it makes my pee smell like, well, coffee.  Hence, at the Bradley house, we call it "Cappu pee no.") 

So I'm drinking this shake, which really isn't a shake, it's thick fluid that is supposed to serve as a whole meal, and I'm wondering why?  Why am I sitting at my desk drinking this stuff that makes me think of Starbucks every time I use the ladies room?


Then it hit me:  That is the answer to every question anyone has asked me ever in the last 13 years. 

Why are you drinking a slim fast shake?

Because I'm fat.

Why are you going to Gold's gym?

Because I'm fat.

Why don't you go to Gold's more often?

Because I'm fat.

Why don't you let people take pictures of you?

Because I'm fat.

Why are you wearing a step counter?
Because I'm fat.

Okay, those questions all make sense with that answer.  But let's take a look at other questions I get on a regular basis.

From Bossman:

Why didn't you take those packages to the Post Office?

My answer:  Because it was noon and I knew that the line at the post office was going to be brutal, so I decided to wait until tomorrow.

My real answer:  BECAUSE I'M FAT!

From my mother:  Why didn't you RSVP to your aunt's anniversary?

My answer:  Because I forgot to.

My real answer:  BECAUSE I'M FAT AND IT'S TOO MUCH TROUBLE TO GO LOOK UP HER PHONE NUMBER and give her a call.  Why can't she just get email like everyone else so I can just shoot her an email and be done with it?

(Okay, that was a bit longer, but I have family issues, so cut me some slack.)

Realizing that this is the answer to every question ever, well, it's sort of freeing.  And probably the reason I haven't made a really concerted effort to lose weight. 

From the choir director:  Why weren't you at practice last week?

My answer:  I wasn't feeling well.


Now, it is a myth that fat people are lazy.  Really.  Every fat person I know is just as busy as every skinny person I know.  The difference is what we do in our downtime.  My very skinny friend, I'll call her Marie  (she knows who she is) spends her downtime walking her dog, walking on the treadmill, and reading books on how to get healthier. 

I spend my downtime searching for episodes of "Wipeout"  on TV while glued to the couch and eating lovely salty snacks with dip.

I work hard, I volunteer all over the place, and I'm always on the go.  But ask me a question about why I do or don't do something, and I will bet you a Krispy Kreme donut that the real answer will come back to "I'M FAT."

Now, if you ask my mother or my boss, they'll have to agree with this.  Basically because, between the two of them, I'm reminded every day that yes, indeed, I am fat.  I was relating my hysterical attempt at Albert Haynesworths' fitness test the other day and Bossman said, "Oh, good, I was hoping you were still going to Gold's."

Not the point of the story, but thanks Bossman who doesn't offer a health care plan and therefore gets zero say in what I do and do not shove into my mouth, for reminding me that I need to exercise.

My mother is better.  She once offered me $300 to join a health club some years ago.  I took her money, put it toward removing unwanted hair  (Didn't finish the job, though, but that's another story for another day.)  and gained another 30 pounds.  Why?  BECAUSE I'm FAT!  And because, I'm revolting against her control.  Hey, she can deny my father food, but I'm a grown up woman.  My fat is a testament to my independance!

Hey, yes!  It's not fat...it's a banner of FREEDOM!

Sing it with me sisters of size!  WE'RE NOT FAT...WE'RE FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow...who knew writing about how fat I am would be so freeing?  I feel great!  I'm going to go get myself a cheeseburger and some fries!



Now my friends, one other little note:  Happy Birthday to Kevin Tighe, the actor who played "Roy DeSoto" on my favorite of all time shows "Emergency."  Cheers to ya!

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