Let me tell you what I did yesterday, because it is so rare that I do something I'm actually really proud of!
I never miss Steve Czaben’s sports segment on Bob and Brian’s morning show (which you can stream live at http://www.1029thehog.com/ ) . Yesterday my favorite sports guru, a resident of the Washington DC area, spent quite a bit of time lamenting the woeful performance of Washington Redskins’ offensive lineman, Albert Haynesworth. Apparently, Mr. Haynesworth is incapable of passing a basic fitness test, and his gigantor contract isn’t enough motivation to get into some sort of minimum shape.
As much as I love football, the pricetags for these guys is ridiculous. There are so many people in this world whose job descriptions do NOT include the word PLAY...yet these guys are paid to do one thing: PLAY football for 16 games. 20 if you're on a good team.
The Albert Haynesworth thing is especially annoying, both to Redskins’ fans and football folk because 1) He’s in the prime of his playing years at 29, and 2) he’s got a contract for $100 million dollars. Sorry, for that amount of money, I’ll cut off parts of my body if it makes me run faster.
So back to what I did yesterday. The test that Mr. H. can’t seem to pass is a simple running test. Run 300 yards, (900 feet) in 70 seconds, rest 3.5 minutes, then do it again. Reading some blogs online, I saw that many residents of the greater Washington DC area took this test and completed it. Also, I watched Mike Golic of ESPN do it online. He hasn't played football in many years. He succeeded. (CHEERS TO YA MIKE!)
Well, I thought, I have always done well with tests, let’s give it a go.
So I went to Gold’s Gym, something I was going to do anyway, with a purpose and a goal. I was going to attempt to pass a test a professional athlete making $100 million couldn’t. I even stopped at the front desk and let the trainers know that was what I was going to do. (More to alert them to the fact that a large woman was probably going to need medical attention in a few moments.)
Let’s just do a stat line up:
Albert Haynesworth: 29 years old, 350 pounds, 6’6”, has a bum knee, is a professional athlete making $100 million.
Sarah Bradley: nearly 43 years old, 75 pounds overweight (and that’s sort of being kind), has a knee that was damaged in a car accident 11 years ago and doesn’t work right, is NOT any sort of athlete. (The last organized sports team I played for was my 7th grade basketball team. Now I spend my days figuring out ways to NOT sweat.) Is an office manager making NOT $100 million.
I did a warm up on my favorite machine the recumbent elliptical. I love this machine because 1) I get to sit down while I’m using it and 2) I burn calories on it like a maniac. I did a full out 25 minutes on that to warm up. Then I got on the treadmill. I warmed up a bit more for about five minutes, then I cranked it up. Figuring that 300 yards is 900 feet, which is .17 miles, my goal was to hit .17 in 70 seconds.
Have I mentioned I never, ever run? I loathe it.
I ran HARD for 65 seconds and made it .15 miles on the first run. Frankly, it wasn’t my knee that wouldn’t take the punishment. I simply couldn’t breathe anymore at that pace. Still, Mr. Haynesworth’s time was .17 miles in 73 seconds for the first run. I did .15 in 65 seconds. A little short both in time and distance.
I wasn’t going to try a second time, because I hadn’t made the first goal. But then I thought, hey, neither did he, and isn’t the point of this exercise to see how I match up with a professional athlete?
So, I cooled down a bit for 3.5 minutes. It should be noted, the pro athlete took a 10 minute bathroom break, but I walked on the treadmill at a 3 mile an hour pace. Then I cranked the speed up again. This time I managed to run for 60 seconds, but only made .13 miles. Again, I fell a bit short.
Not as short as that professional athlete with the $100 million contract. He didn’t even attempt a second run
I stopped at the desk on my way out to let them know how I’d done. I may have failed, but I did not fail completely. I managed to get through a physical test that a professional athlete making $100 million quit.
So I guess what I’m saying is, hey, Albert Haynesworth? Shame on you! You just got beat by a gimpy, overweight, out of shape, middle aged girl who hasn't played organized sports since she was 12. Oh, and I don't get paid anything close to $100 million.
I'm just sayin'.
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