I feel the need

I feel the need

Friday, February 11, 2011

If I actually do the splits will I get a GOLDS star?

Good afternoon.

I'm supposed to be working on my new novel, but I'm thinking I'll lock myself in my office at home in about an hour, so I'm catching up on my blogging.

One little thing:  I'm guest blogging on Sunday over at Goddess Fish Party pavilion and Long and Short of It.  They are both having Valentine's Day events going on.  Stop on in, you might win a Nook!   You can get there by clicking on those nifty black boxes there on the right...your right.  Go ahead click.  Well, actually click now, familiarize yourself with the site, then click again on Sunday and read my brilliance. I'm talking about celebrity crushes, brunettes, and first kisses.  How can you miss on that?

Okay, now let's talk about working out.

After taking a week off to nurse my anguished knee I returned to the gym.  Mostly I returned to the gym because, after cancelling my meeting with KRAM on Tuesday because I had the flu   (does it ever end with me?)  I promised him I would be in on Thursday.  I am a woman of my word.  SO I got there.

Now it should NOT be any surprise to anyone that I do not like to be viewed in a swimsuit.  I've got at least 85 pounds to shed before I'm going to be excited about people seeing me in my suit.  SO I generally don't do the pool thing unless the pool is empty or I'm in a class.

So last night after waiting around...I mean working out on other equipment for an hour, the pool finally cleared out and I was safe to swim.  I like being in the water.  I feel thin and graceful.   Maybe I was supposed to be born a dolphin, I don't know.  But I like the water.

What I do not like is the deck around the water.  Seriously, can we somehow develop a material that isn't super slick around pools?  Every pool I've ever gone to has a "don't run" sign hanging up.  But every pool I've been to also has a deck made of the most slippery when wet materials EVER.  How about something the is less like ice when wet?

Or maybe something soft and foamy.  Had there been something soft and foamy around the pool last night, maybe I wouldn't have crippled MY OTHER KNEE.

Yes, this is how I...or it...went down.

I walked slowly into the pool area.  See, there's this little hallway that leads from the women's locker room to the pool. Right next to it is a little hallway that leads from the pool to the men's locker room.  Do I wear my glasses when I swim?  No.  Have I nearly walked into the men's locker room on more than one occasion because the little hallways look exactly alike?

Of course.

So last night I walked slowly from the locker room to the pool.  I picked up a kick board because I like the kick boards.  They are fun.  They are also foamy.  I rounded the far end of the pool and walked toward the stairs.  See, the pool isn't very deep so I can't dive in, and since I'm still dealing with two bad hands and a bum knee, using the ladders isn't the easiest for me.   So I use the stairs and I sort of stride in to the pool like some glorious Egyptian queen or something.

As I'm approaching the stairs, moving at a slow, fat lady in a swim suit pace, I hit a patch of I don't know, WATER on a SLIPPERY  surface and I come very, very, VERY close to doing the splits.  I managed to not fall, which is good.  See I spend a lot of energy NOT falling down.  When a fat woman falls down, first of all it hurts, second of all it's hilarious and I wasn't in a mental space where I felt like being the funny fat woman last night. 

The upside is no one witnessed my graceful movements.  That's a good thing...until you think about the what ifs:

What if I had fallen, hit my head, slipped into the pool and drowned?

What if I had fallen, hit my head, and remained unconscious until they locked up?  Then I'd be in there all night...in my swimsuit.

What if I had fallen, hit my head, was knocked out, in my swimsuit and they had to put me on one of those special stretchers and cut me out of the pool because I'm so big?

What if I'd fallen, but hadn't been knocked out and had to listen to the people outside the pool looking through the windows laughing at me?

So I didn't fall down, I wasn't humiliated, but I did, yes, manage to twist my other knee.  Which means I now have two very tender knees which aren't handling just the basics of walking right now.


The very good news is , however, tomorrow I am spending the day in a gym at Peaches' cheer competition.  My unsteady knees up and down bleachers all day....

Double Awesome!

Maybe someone will videotape the moment one of my knees finally gives up completely and they'll send it in to America's Funniest Home Videos and I'll win some cash.

Which I'll use to replace my knees...and my thumbs...and a stomach stapling...liposuction...an eye lift...professional hair coloring...

THAT'S IT!  I will fall down!  I will fall down and be able to fix everything that's wrong with me!

Well it's good to have a plan anyway.

Meanwhile:  Good luck Peaches and the rest of the team tomorrow!

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