I'm sorry...is it April fool's day?

Good morning!

I must have slept through a couple months.  It must be April first.  It must be.  That's the only explanation I have for the events of recent days.

Yesterday I got the diagnosis from the ortho doc.  If you recall, Dr. Dudley Moore...I mean my useless internist...took two days to look over my x-rays and informed me, through his nurse, that I was old and that the pain in both my thumbs was just something I was going to have to live with.

No, it is NOT arthritis, and no it is NOT Carpel Tunnel.  But be sure to take the anti inflammatory meds, you know the Naproxin prescribed even though naproxin makes you break out in a very itchy rash.

Go with God.

So yesterday the Ortho doc, a man so young I will call him Doogie Houser, spent about six minutes looking at my x-ray, another five minutes actually touching my hands and said, "Well, it's clear you have advanced arthritis and carpel tunnel symptoms.

Go ahead, read that again.

Then, Dr. Doogie said, "It's strange to see such advanced arthritis in someone so young."

I'll give you a moment to read this comment and then reread the diagnosis from Dr. Dudley.

We then talked about treatment options.  Surgery, of course, was the first suggestion.  But surgery in someone so young  (I think I've fallen in love with Dr. Doogie.) wasn't a great idea because no one was sure how long the effects of the surgery would last.  "I don't like to operate on someone until they're far older."  (If my hands didn't hurt so much, I would cradle Dr. Doogie's face in my hands and never stop kissing him.)

So then we talked about other options.  Dr. Doogie is a man of action.  "Live with it" is not in his vocabulary.

So he got me a thumb immobilizing splint for my right hand.  I'm to find the same for my left  (He's saving me money by having me find one for my other hand.)  These splints are sort of a fingerless glove in black neoprene.  Once I get both of them, I'll kind of look like Watts from "Some Kind of Wonderful."  (Since I have almost the same hair style...the only difference is, well I outweigh Watts by...enough.)

The next thing we discussed was Glucosomine Chondroitine.  I'm supposed to take it. I'm supposed to take it three times a day.  Have you ever taken this?  The pills are about the size of my pinky finger.  Three times a day?  With a big glass of water?

Well, it's a good diet plan anyway.

Then I got a cortisone injection in my right had.  I thought maybe for the $50 co pay I had to shell out to get in the door, he should do both hands.  After getting the first shot, I see the wisdom.  I'm not saying it's painful, getting a cortisone shot.  I'm saying it's in the top five of all time most painful things I've done.  And I've given birth twice.  It's like having fire shot into the most painful part of your body, and then having that part of your body turn to stone.  Stone that feels tremendous pain. 

The real pain didn't hit until later in the day, when I tried to...well do anything involving my right thumb.  Try any one of the following simple tasks, and while you're trying them, imagine someone firing a nail through your thumb with a nail gun.

Buckling a seat belt.

Turning your key in the ignition.

Zipping your jeans zipper.

Ladies:  Undoing your bra hooks.

Changing your clothes.

Meeting with a personal trainer.

Oh wait, that last one...yeah, so I had a meeting with KRAM yesterday.  I wasn't about to miss it.  It was a weigh in and I'd lost at least five pounds since our last meeting.  Or so I thought.  My official weight was less...inspirational.  Apparently I gained 3-6 pounds overnight.

It was more than I could take.  Kram meant well, I think.  I hope.  Otherwise he's the cruelest man on the planet.  He said, "Smile."   He said, "Get off the couch and get in the gym more."  He said, "Obviously meeting once a month isn't enough.  Be here in two weeks for another weigh in."

All I wanted to do was lie down and sob.  Which is pretty much what I did once I fled Golds and got into my car.  Buckling my seat belt pretty much destroyed me.  By the time I got home  (Driving with my semi crippled left hand only) I was in tears and unable to get out of my car because I couldn't UNBUCKLE THE STUPID SEAT BELT. 

With tremendous effort, I took a shower and put on my jammies.  It was 5:30.  I then spent the next couple of hours lying on my bed, watching a David James Elliott movie, which was actually pretty good.  (More on that in my writers blog  It's a Writer's World.)  Hubby came home with my prescription for anti inflammatory meds.

Oh yeah, the final point of Dr. Doogie's attack on my right hand.  It's not naproxin, because he listened.

I started reading some of the cautions because I really wanted a glass of wine and a Tylenol PM and I wanted to know if I could take that with this new medication.  The instructions for this medication is, I kid you not, six pages long.  Small print.  I'll give you some of the highlights.

TAKE WITH FOOD  (awesome)

TAKE WITH A FULL GLASS OF WATER  (Kram will like that.)

INCREASES YOUR RISK OF SERIOUS STOMACH OR BOWEL PROBLEMS.  (ooh, danger.  Cool.)

MAY CAUSE SENSITIVITY TO THE SUN  (Well, I spend a lot of time indoors anyway.)

DO NOT TAKE IF YOU HAVE HAD SEVERE ALLERGIC REACTION TO NAPROXIN.

(wait...what?  Define "severe"  Skin shredding rash? )

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS:  Drowsiness, dizziness, (okay)  constipation, diarrhea  (how can it cause both?)  gas, hearth burn, nausea vomiting  (fun) CRUSHING CHEST PAIN  (um....)

DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL!

(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

Well, pain is pain, and frankly, I wanted to end the pain. Take the pills or cut off my hands.  So I pulled the packet out of the pharmacy bag.  And I instantly wanted to cry again.

Seriously, is it April Fool's Day?  The package the pills came in a flat package...something sort of like a birth control packet.  To open the pills, you have to push one end of the plastic packet with your thumb and pull the other end with your other hand.

Both thumbs number apply simultaneous pressure to get the pills out.  Then you have to apply more pressure to pop the pill out of the foil blister pack.

So let's review:

Dr. Dudley was exactly 100% wrong. 

Dr. Doogie thinks I'm young.

KRAM thinks I'm lazy.

I can't unbuckle a seat belt, zip up my pants, or put on a bra.  I can't blow dry my hair.  I'm a vision of hotness right now, I promise you.

The medication I'm supposed to take will probably kill me.  If not by the side effects or the fact that I can't have my glass of wine...then just getting the stupid pills out will kill me.

April Fools! 

Right?