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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Must our punctuation ALWAYS be so painful?

WARNING!

This post ranks up there on the gross meter.  Gentlemen, you may want to look away.

Todd...this means you!  :)



Ladies, as if our monthlies were stupid enough...I have a bone to pick with the Always people.  Seriously, it's not enough that we have to live through 5-7 days a month when we bloat, get headaches that would blind an elephant, get cramps that are not unlike actual labor pains, and back aches that would sideline most NBA, NFL, AND MLB players for at least a game.  It's not bad enough we must just live through it...when was the last time YOU took a day off with these symptoms?  When was the last time, at your workplace, when everyone else is talking about their aches and pains and guys will discuss their latest bout of the sniffles that kept them in bed for three days, that you whispered the words "I have cramps" and someone didn't mock you?

Basically, women operate ILL at least one week out of every month from the time they are about 11 until pretty much the day they die.  Or go through menopause, which I'm told isn't much better than actual death.  We do it because we must.  We do it because the world, contrary to what most men think, does not shut down just because we don't feel good. 

We do it, and we ask one tiny, little thing.  We ask that our personal products don't actually add to the pain and suffering.

I'm not talking about the products working at this point...I've ranted about that before.  No, my friends, I'm talking about personal products that simply, and with great glee, add layer upon layer of physical anguish to our already annoyingly painful weeks of punctuation editing.

Today I'm aiming my rant ray at the Always people.  You know, the same genius team that came up with "Have a happy Period" commercials, which ran during prime time on DISNEY which lead my 6 year old daughter to ask me why we were supposed to have a happy period.

Yeah, and as if that's not enough...they ALWAYS wind up adding to the pain.

Case in point:  a number of years ago, some friends and I attended an all day, outside, porta potty facilities only event.  I HATE porta potties.  HATE THEM.  Especially at the aforementioned event...I was in costume.  Let's say the costume was bulky enough that moving about in a porta potty without 1)  tipping the potty over and/or 2)  relieving myself on some portion of the costume was not a chance I wanted to take.

And yes, I was on that magical last day of my monthly...the day when you can't go without protection really, but you really are just done wearing protection.  I figured I'd through on something that ALWAYS protected on such days and I would be protected ALWAYS until I got to a real, inside bathroom at the end of the afternoon.

At some point during the day, and it was a hot sweaty sort of day, given the costume I was in, I wasn't terribly aware of the issue until it was really serious, my protection...let's just say, flipped.

Ladies, you know what I mean.  The adhesive side rolled up and stuck to my skin.  Funny how that same adhesive doesn't ALWAYS stick to the material it's supposed to, but it's ALWAYS lock on like glue to skin.

There wasn't much I was going to do about it until I got out of costume, a few hours later.  Once I was able to examine myself...let's say I wasn't walking terribly comfortably for a couple of days later.

So I swore I would ALWAYS buy a different brand of protection.  And I ALWAYS did, until a month ago when there was a discontinued sale on a product I'd never seen before.  I am ALWAYS intrigued by new advances in the realm of punctuation, so I purchased the item. This item promised more coverage, more protection, less leaks...and CLEANLINESS. 

Sandpaper and a baby wipe.
'Nuff said.
I should ALWAYS remember two things

1)  There's a reason a product gets discontinued.

2)  ALWAYS lies.

Ladies, this particular item had a lining that must have been designed by the Marquis De Sade.  Seriously.  It was hard to tell just how much irritation the product was causing me...because, you know...it's pretty much a traffic accident during those magical days.  All I know is that I'm moderately certain they put adhesive on both sides.  In the three days I used the product it ALWAYS stuck to my skin, giving me a super rash BTW.

Have I learned from my troubles?

Yep.  I am ALWAYS going to use a product that is not ALWAYS going to give me a problem.  Why add injury to injury? 

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