I feel the need

I feel the need

Monday, September 19, 2011

I have proof that KRAM and Elsie are in cahoots!

Good  evening.

I'm not  a superstitious girl.  Well, except when it comes to my Green Bay Packers jersey on game days...and then I am.  (Hey, they were very stinky until I put that on during the 2nd quarter yesterday...that's not a coincidence!)  Anyway, I'm not a superstitious person, and I'm not paranoid.  I believe I have proof...ACTUAL PROOF....that KRAM is forcing me to lose weight and he's using Elsie W to do it.

For those of you who don't recall...KRAM is the long suffering personal trainer I sometimes see when I sometimes to go Gold's Gym.  He's a lovely man, who recently became a papa.  (Which means he's going to find out that I wasn't slacking all along...once you have kids you lose all of your "me" time.)  Now, I haven't been to Gold's much in the last couple months.  But when I made my triumphant...and awkward...return last Tuesday, I realized that he'd been behind something that had bothered me for a week.

It's clear to me now that KRAM is having Elsie W eat my lunch to control my weight. 

Don't believe me?  Why should you?  Well, except that I don't make up stuff in this blog, that's why.

See, a couple weeks ago, I noted that things of mine were missing from the fridge.  It started with a new, unopened, bottle of coffee creamer.  I asked Elsie about it.  At first she said she never saw it.  Then she admitted she tossed it out, claiming it looked like sour milk.  (Her own ghastly collection of half eaten food and fruit fly laden salad dressing bottles, however, are still in the fridge.)

More recently, for reasons no one knows, Elsie forgot her lunch  (Though she keeps a grocery store in the fridge)  and just HAD TO HAVE A YOGURT.  She claims she thought she was eating NBM's yogurt, but in reality...it was mine.  It made up half my lunch.

Now I was perfectly willing to lay this at the foot of the greatest nitwit to live...Elsie...but then I went to the gym on Tuesday and chatted with KRAM for the first time in ages.  And I couldn't get away from one little thing.

The man had a twinkle in his eye.

Sure, he's a new pop.  Sure, he's happy to see me back in the gym.  Sure, he remembers I like Rick Springfield.

But then he said something that gave him away.

"You're looking slimmer."

To quote Valerie from "The Princess Bride;"


I do not look slimmer.  I certainly didn't that evening.  So now I know, without a doubt, the man is in cahoots with the human shark.  He's found the one person close enough to me and shameless enough to dispose of or eat my food. 

One part of me is annoyed.  I mean...come on...my coffee creamer?  That's sacred!

But the other part of me says, "Well played.   And when I sell enough copies of the book...I'm going to actually pay for a couple sessions with you!"

Meanwhile...I guess KRAM is just going to have to keep telling Elsie to eat my food.

BTW, Happy Birthday to my childhood hero, Randy Mantooth.  (And to my sis in law...we'll call her Jamie.)

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