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Friday, May 13, 2011

If I were a 34DDD my life would be far simpler!

Good evening!

I'm so sorry...Blogger was down much of the last two days, so I wasn't able to give you a Laundry List Friday...well, Blogger was down and I forgot the brilliant list in my head.  I really must write these things down!

Anyway, yesterday, for no real reason...and CERTAINLY NOT because I 'm going to a Rick Springfield concert next week.. (Yes, Dee had to call me today and remind me that the concert is NEXT week, NOT the following week.)  I went bra shopping.

Like most women, I hate bra shopping.  Oh sure, I know the stats, two thirds of all women are wearing the wrong sized bra.  Well, I would WEAR the right sized BRA if BRA makers would MAKE BRAS to a standard size.  BUT, like every other piece of clothing made for a woman, bra sizes vary from company to company and from style to style.  I've held up a 42 C and a 44 C in a bra  and the cup was completely different.  Hey, more inches doesn't mean a bigger cup.  A C should be a C should be a C.

I'm betting if that were the case, more women would wear the correct size bra.  But I could go get measured  (oh yeah, naked for a store clerk...like it's not humiliating enough when I have to get naked for a doctor.) but really, every store is going to measure for the right size for the bra in their store.  Since I can't afford the bras they sell in the stores where they offer free bra sizing, I sort of have to go with what feels right.  And that varies, like I said, from size to size, cup to cup, maker to maker, and style to style.

Let me bring up, too, how bras are displayed in most stores.  On those stupid plastic hangers with the A cups either in the front or at the top, meaning that the C cups and D cups are either behind everything or at the bottom.  It's sort of like hunting for a buried treasure.  "AHA!  I've got a 44C  Whoop hoop!"  If the Titanic was a 44C bra, we'd still be looking for it.

Guys, you have no idea how much work goes into bra shopping.  Seriously.  You guys go in to buy underwear and your biggest decision is Boxers or Briefs.

We have a menu that would make Gorden Ramsey confused.  Push up, minimizer, deep plunge, full coverage, padded, under wire, wire free, side support, racer back, strapless, cotton, T-shirt, satin, padded shoulders,  colors, white, beige, and, my favorite "modesty petals."


Now I love to shop at Kohl's because I'm one of those people who enjoys the use of their liberal return policy.  Having worked at Kohl's I can tell you that finding a plus sized bra there...even in their "plus sized" bra department...is truly a quest.  I'm sorry, just "plus size" should denote both cup size and band measurement...not just cup size.  I saw a 34 DDD in there.  Seriously...Other than Barbie, who is wearing a 34 DDD?  Not a plus sized girl, that's for certain.  But apparently, in the world of Kohl's  (and Walmart, Target, Sears, any shop that isn't  "specialty" shop that will cost you half your paycheck just to get one bra)  bra sizes STOP at 44.   Period.  Game over.  No one who shops at any normal store is EVER GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BAND THAN A 44.  And by the way...the 44's are all that common, so let's just bury the one we have under 16 of those 34 DDD's we've got.

Do you understand now why US women aren't wearing the right bra size?  It's too hard to find!

Most of the time I just wait until the Playtex bras in the little plastic bags go on sale.  They're clearly marked, they're one step up from jog bra  (I actually prefer them to jog bras...which tend to ride up my neck and itch.)  and it's quick dive into the bra department and back out.  No fuss, no muss.

But ya know, every once in a while a girl likes to fancy up her girls.  Every once in a while, say about the time a girl is going to a...concert maybe...she wants a bra that makes her feel a little more like a female person and less like someone forced to wear a couple sweaty dough balls under her shirt.

So I went to Kohl's in search of a bra that would lift  the girls a bit, point them in the same direction, and maybe take ten years and 50 pounds off.  (Who am I kidding.  I'm always looking for something that will take 50 pounds off.)

Oh there are miles and miles and MILES of bras that lift, curve, soften, minimize, form fit.  I found one that said, "Age appropriate lift."  That's good...after all, I'm not 20, the girls are not going to be at level 1 anymore.  It wouldn't look natural.  But age appropriate lift?  Sign me up!

Shopping for the right size: It's the "Where's Waldo" of the undergarment world.
I picked up two bras, two different companies, both 42 C.  Now I know...I'm a 44...but I've lost 21 pounds.  Some of that had to be back fat, right?  Besides, I'd worked up a sweat looking for a 44 C to no avail.  I should be a 42, right?

Next stop, the check out.

Have you been to the Kohl's check out?

I know every store has their own credit card and they want you to have that card, but Kohl's is on a mission.  It's the one thing that bugs me.  Every five minutes they break into the MUZAK and blather on about the great discounts Kohl's customers get.

Well, Hubby has a card.  We abuse that enough.  I've applied for my own, and been turned down.  There is NOTHING like being turned down for a store credit card while you are in line at that store.  Never, ever again.  I just use his.

But I didn't have his this trip, I was using the good old debit card. 

"Do you have a Kohl's card?"

"My husband does."

"Do you want one of your own?"

"No, thank you."

Now at this point a normal person would check out my stuff and move on. Not this terrier in a Vera Wang cardigan.  Oh no.

"Are you sure?  You could save so much money today."

"No, thank you."

"You know I have one, I use it then I go to customer service and pay the bill right away."

(So then I would have to check out my bras twice at the same time?)  "No, it's okay, thanks."

"But you'd be saving so much money and then you'd have your own card."

SERIOUSLY?  At this point a line is forming and I, because I don't like being a bother to anyone, was feeling a bit embarrassed.  (I know...me....right?)

"No, thank you.  I do not want a card today."

Vera Wang Cardy sighed.  "I thought I'd get one with you."

Why?  Am I wearing a sign:  Pester me, I'll sign up for your credit card?  Really?

So I got home, pretty much in a rage.  Not only did I have to spend an hour trying to find a bra...but the check out harassment made me furious.

What is it they say, "Don't try on bras angry?"

Oh, did I not mention that I LOATHE the try on rooms in stores?  Please.  They are evil, they are small, the smell weird, and I can't get over the idea that someone is watching me.  So I try on stuff at home.  Hence I shop at Kohl's because of their return policy.

So I got home, raging, and struggled into bras...which did not go well.  I broke one of those stupid plastic hangers...tore the tags off of one of them while trying to adjust the straps which were set to the tightest setting. (Something I didn't realize until I'd tried to put it on..the lift was not age appropriate...it was stifling!) 

And will someone please explain why bras need SIX TAGS?

Now, 24 hours later, I'm happy to relay to you that I've found a bra, after my second trip, that fits nicely and makes me feel pretty.  I probably should save one of the six tags so that when I get paid next I'll go buy six of them...if I can find six.  Since it's a 44C, I'll probably have to go to six stores.  If only I could be a 34DDD...my life would be so simple!

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